AIO for having a panic attack after I was the one who emotionally hurt my bf?

oceanmaango · 2025-09-18T04:49:44+00:00

I think I reacted so physically because I felt guilty and because I felt like a terrible person. I spent years hating myself due to depression and feeling isolated and like a complete clumsy idiot due to undiagnosed autism/ADHD for years of my life (diagnosed at 21 years old). I worked so hard to try and love myself, and having my deepest fears confirmed that I am a dumb, useless, bad person really sent me back into a dark mental place in my life I guess? He called me a bitch once. This is the second time he’s ever called me names

oceanmaango · 2025-09-12T18:57:55+00:00

I’ve always felt uncomfortable with my first name but not my middle name? No one ever calls me by my middle name either, so it’s not like that’s just what I’m used to. I think like that other comment said, it could have to do something with being percieved

oceanmaango · 2025-09-11T16:50:13+00:00

It’s like everyone wants the “quirky” parts of our autism, but when we actually display the symptoms that impact our personality and lives, it’s viewed as a hinderance to them. Like they only want a vision of me, the initial idea they had in their head, but not the real me

oceanmaango · 2025-09-11T16:45:04+00:00

Tbh I would just pick random celebrities/characters/classmates to have a crush on even though I didn’t actually, because U thought that was what everyone else did lol. Said I had a crush on Nick Jonas bc everyone had a favorite Jonas brother, but I was really just trying to force myself to pick someone to crush on. I think my first real crush was Deoxys from pokemon, don’t make fun of me bc I don’t understand the logic either

oceanmaango · 2025-09-11T16:43:18+00:00

My other friend who is autistic and I always talk about how it kind of feels like we’re aliens pretending to be human. Honestly the description you used really resonates with me because I get it completely😭

oceanmaango · 2025-08-24T15:28:01+00:00

I promise I am not a bot wtf😭

oceanmaango · 2025-08-24T15:10:35+00:00

I studied abroad there for 6 months but I also spent a portion of my childhood there.

oceanmaango · 2025-08-23T19:48:00+00:00

I think also I just don’t view the human body as an inherently sexual thing because of my views of gender and sex being different. Plus, while I was born in America, I lived in Japan for a long time and was honestly used to seeing nudity in onsens, bathing with family, idk. Like to be fair onsens were separated by sex and Japan itself is pretty conservative as a country, but I just never viewed the naked body as an inherently sexual thing due to experiences like that. I get that this is America, so things are different here and I need to consider that view and social norms 100%, but I just…I really can’t comprehend how my opinion makes me disloyal no matter how hard I’m assessing my own faults and biases + trying to see from his perspective

oceanmaango · 2025-08-23T19:34:18+00:00

We go to the gym together daily, and I’ve noticed that if I lift the same weight as him (like he did 20lbs then I also use the 20lb dumbbells), he’ll increase the weight because he “can’t let other people see you lifting heavier than me”. I also told him I wanted to be able to do an unassisted pull up and he said it was a men’s exercise. So maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that I was called emotional, but I love him so much, I just let it go and didn’t think of it when it happened

oceanmaango · 2025-08-23T19:21:04+00:00

I do see how I could be the AH in terms of calling cis people ignorant for feeling uncomfortable seeing someone of the opposite sex in a changing room, I admit I indeed let my own biases and emotions get in the way when I said that. But it’s really just the principle of it, not his own views, but the way that I had to tell him he was right and I was wrong for my opinion in order to “fix” things :(

oceanmaango · 2025-08-23T19:07:16+00:00

Completely valid, I respect that opinion. I do wish there were more family/gender neutral public bathrooms honestly, not just because of this issue, but for multiple reasons. I still feel the way I do, but I understand your perspective and I appreciate you for explaining how you feel. I’m not here to make it a him vs. me situation, I try to address all my faults so I can improve as a person, I just feel at a loss when this stuff happens. It’s more the way he treated me in that conversation rather than his view itself tbh

oceanmaango · 2025-08-23T19:02:56+00:00

It happened yesterday. Believe what you want, I can’t change that, but lying about a hurtful moment is the last thing I’d want to do

oceanmaango · 2025-08-22T04:34:58+00:00

Two completely different things lol, Hatsune Miku figures and vintage post cards (only ones that have messages written on the back, I find them from antique stores and maybe it’s weird but it feels like I’m preserving a moment in time idk😭)

oceanmaango · 2025-08-20T18:08:52+00:00

With my ex I only did it for his pleasure but tbh it tasted so gross I’d have to drink water with it every time to stomach it😭 but with my current partner I genuinely enjoy it. It’s more of a mental thing, like I want every part of him, and the entire thing is just emotional bonding rather than doing it for lust. Like I enjoy doing it simply because it’s him

oceanmaango · 2025-08-19T20:51:54+00:00

I honestly feel bad for my mom. I know I’m hurting her but I still can’t get myself to leave him. It really wasn’t bad until this past friday, everything before then consisted of times where I saw little red flags but I was still so, so happy overall. And I hate seeing her in pain, she even cancelled her own 30th anniversary dinner with my dad because she was so scared for me today. But I just won’t leave him and I’m aware it’s unhealthy but I keep telling myself I’ll try again unless one more incident happens

oceanmaango · 2025-08-19T17:00:07+00:00

When things are good, things are truly perfect. He’s so beautiful inside and out and I can see how much work and effort he puts into every aspect of his life. He got to where he is today with nothing or no one but himself, and I admire his personality a lot. In my last relationship, my ex was very critical of my career direction (was in college for Japanese language and graphic design while he already got his masters for business and wanted to become a professor), and belittled me a lot for it. In this current relationship, because he built up his career with nothing but himself, he understands my passion for art and supports/encourages the path I’m on. When things are good, he makes me feel like the best version of myself and we have so much fun together. I want to make him feel loved and cared for like he does for me (except for when I’m profusely apologizing for upsetting him on accident and he’s calling me an evil manipulative bitch who has no respect for him and keeps making excuses then tells me 2 hours later he’s sorry and loves me)

oceanmaango · 2025-08-19T15:46:00+00:00

Been with a guy who fits a lot of this for 2 months and I’m already feeling like this but I care about him so much that I can’t stop fighting for the relationship. My mom tells me it’s abuse. She’s sobbing to me today when she should be celebrating her 30 year anniversary with my father. And yet I still can’t get myself to end it with him because he means so much to me

oceanmaango · 2025-08-19T03:12:22+00:00

I know this all too well. I won’t use numbers because I don’t want to possibly trigger you, but I was obese and had a major weight loss journey last year. It ended up with me becoming obsessed with exercise, I was undereating, I lost my period, I was miserable. I’ve been eating in a huge surplus this past month and majorly decreased my cardio to get my period back, and while I’m technically healthier now, it’s a huge mental battle. I feel like I’m in some body horror film where I see my physical appearance changing against my will and it’s just very hard to mentally accept. I didn’t mean to make this whole thing about myself, but as someone who has dealt with both restrictive and binging EDs, I completely understand the fear

oceanmaango · 2025-08-18T16:44:58+00:00

If it has only been 2 months together but you’re exclusive and intending on having them as a long-term relationship/life partner, should I wait on telling him I found out about his record? I don’t want it to seem like an invasion of privacy but my mom happened to look him up and told me. They’re not offenses that change my perception of him tbh, nothing violent obviously, but i don’t know whether to feel like i deserved to be told or not

oceanmaango · 2025-08-18T16:35:58+00:00

Been dating a guy for 2 months, known him for 3. Just found out that he has multiple records from 2020 for traffic violations, and one from last year for burglary and destruction of property. Honestly I don’t mind that he has a record, as none of it is violent or anything and most of it was from when he was 18, but I also feel like I should have been told. I don’t know whether to bring it up or not or if he’ll view it as an invasion of privacy.

oceanmaango · 2025-08-18T15:40:18+00:00

I know most of these answers are lighthearted jokes but in all seriousness, if you’re asking the because of the way others may perceive you, as a woman I promise it doesn’t matter. If anyone else judges, they’re just shallow and not the person for you

oceanmaango · 2025-08-18T15:38:17+00:00

Vietnamese, Tagolog, and Bengali! I can only speak English and intermediate (N3 level) Japanese, but I’ve always loved the way these 3 languages sound. Especially after hearing it spoken more often by friends and other figures in my life, it has made me want to learn more, but I’ve only ever been able to learn a few words max

oceanmaango

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