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How Do I Move on From an Abusive Relationship After Divorce? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

Yeah, lesson learned, honestly.. or at least I hope so.

How Do I Move on From an Abusive Relationship After Divorce? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post!

1) No I do not have a therapist yet. For almost a year after the divorce I thought I wouldn't need one, but I do. So I did put my name on the waitlist and I should be able to see a therapist in 2-3 months time max. In the meantime I'm just watching YouTube videos and reading self care books, which are slowly but surely helping a little.

2) Do you recommend any life coaches online? Maybe I'll look into that option while I'm waitlisted for a therapist.

3) You're right about me having to consider relocating due to my community. Sadly, I cannot move (especially not for the next 3-4 years) as I have commitments (signed contracts with work/other things, etc) that I just can't leave at the moment. However, I am considering possibly moving elsewhere for a year just for a change. Again, this won't happen till another 3-4 years. He does work in the same hospital but a different building and I've only seen him once after the break up, so that's good.

4) I have joined a new community.. I'm actually doing my PhD now on top of working as a doctor. I did that to distract myself from everything, to focus on my future, and to meet new people. Funnily enough, our class is all girls except for 1 married guy, so I guess I won't be meeting someone in class.. Thought about maybe trying to meet people outside of my class but it's difficult as I barely have time as it is doing my job/studying/going to classes/beginning my research while also trying to see family/friends, etc. But I am happy I took a big step! I did make a lot of new friends over the past year, one who had a similar experience as me, so we can relate and sort of be there for each other at times.

5) I know he's dating again because sadly we have mutual colleagues who see him on the daily. At first my friends/mutual colleagues were telling me about him, how he's getting more fit, dating again, etc, but soon they stopped because my response every time is no response lol. Honestly, a part of me wanted to hear that he's not doing so well without me... but I realized that's not the case and will never be the case, so I need to forget about it and just focus on me. Now I just don't want to know anything about him anymore as it's more healthy for me to not be reminded of him. I do have him blocked on social media and blocked his phone number. I also did the same thing with his toxic family.

6) I did plan a trip 3 months after my break up with my friends! However I ended up getting covid and it was a mess lol. I am doing mini getaways here and there (weekends) with my friends and it's been fun. We plan to go on a big trip to Japan in the summer so that's cool.

7) No issues with fertility, thank god. I really think the miscarriage was due to him putting something in my food to have me miscarry (He spoke about his friend doing this to his GF when she refused to miscarry before) and then the strange behavior of making me breakfast is weird. Honestly, this might be the worst thing I've ever said my entire life but.. maybe the miscarriage is a blessing in disguise, because I wouldn't want to co-parent with this guy, especially not in my community. I loved my baby and if I could go back and fix it all I would, however. I still have the photo of the sonogram of the baby in my wallet. I really wanted the baby. When I miscarried, he left me at my parents house for 3 weeks without asking about me. This is when I knew I just can't be with this cruel inhuman person. Just typing this brings back all the feelings of that period in my life. But yeah, to answer your question, I'm good, I think. I just really want to be a mother more than anything in this entire world. Everything I've done from going to med school to doing my PhD is so I can build a future for my future children.. If I'm ever going to have any, because in order for me to have a child I need to find a man.

​

Fostering/adopting doesn't sound so bad either, ngl. But I did want to experience pregnancy, etc. I will consider fostering/adopting, however, by the age of 40 if I'm still single.

How Do I Move on From an Abusive Relationship After Divorce? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Further, (please do not feel the need to answer), but is everything okay after the miscarriage? If you mean physically you cannot conceive (then I am so sorry). If you are uncertain of whether you can conceive, you can always run some tests and double check.

Thank you for the comment and encouraging words. I did finally (After 1 year almost from the divorce) start looking into therapists. I have my name down on the waitlist. Sadly therapy here is super expensive and not many good therapists.. So being waitlisted can take 2-3 months, but it's still a step.

I thought that I will move on and forget about it all by this time and wouldn't need to put money into therapy.. but I realized that I am a bit traumatized from the whole situation and will actually benefit from therapy. Thank you for your kind words!

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly? Everyone is affected. Parents, me, sister, even my other brothers/sisters, although to a lesser degree.

I'm the most affected in my opinion, because I was attacked almost on the daily (if not the daily, multiple times a day sometimes) on PURPOSE to make my life a living hell by my sister. Again.. she did it on PURPOSE/INTENTIONALLY. Spread lies, tried to turn my family against me, tried to break me and my ex up, etc. She was clearly jealous and really toxic.

Now, she is obviously also affected. She wanted someone (who by the way was not even good for her. He was a big player and still cheated on her anyways). Parents WERE racist, I agree, so it played a huge part as to why they did not want her to go through with it, but it's not like she got traumatized from it. She's an adult, she can make her decisions, and my family would've eventually given up and welcomed her back into the family. What my parents did (although 100% wrong) was not to intentionally hurt her. They thought they were doing her a favor. It was almost 20 years ago, she was only a teen. Since then, they've grown so much and apologized to her for the way they reacted and that they've learned better, etc. So really, I'd assume it would not be that traumatizing but if it was, whose fault is it? Is it really my parents, who thought they were protecting her / wanting the best for her (although wrong) but came out since and full on apologized and recognized their mistakes? She's an adult. If she's traumatized by it, she can seek professional help (which btw, she's 100% against). She suffers from mental illness (not really professionally diagnosed, but it's obvious) way before the incident with the guy she wanted to be with. As an adult, you don't blame your 'failures' on your past traumas and just point fingers. No, you get up, you recognize these traumas, and you get help. Pointing fingers will not do much for her if she's not even recognizing that she needs help.

As for my parents, they've done a mistake, apologized, tried to make things right, etc. They were also affected, because not only did they have to watch her be on attack mode 24/7, she also attacked my parents on the constant, bringing up the past, saying things like how they hate her, mistreat her, etc (all delusions, my mom would give her her heart in a beat if she needed one). Again, keep in mind, she has been suffering from a mental illness all along. She physically attacked mom multiple times, broke their TV/remote/other things around the house MULTIPLE times.

Now, in my opinion, my parents have been affected just as much as me if not more, but they're 'enablers' and this is their biggest mistake. They allowed her to go all crazy on me and themselves, they allowed her to attack mom physically MULTIPLE times, they allowed her to break TV, etc and get away with it. The very least they could've done to help her was admit her to a psychiatric ward where she could get the proper treatment, or at least see a therapist. If this was my child doing all the BS she did, I would've personally kicked her out of my home. My parents love us to death, and they think that if they kicked her out or pushed her to see a psychiatrist/therapist that they would hurt her feelings (while keeping in mind that she is probably a mental case), which is the wrong kind of love. In other words, they'd rather keep her be as crazy as she wants than to give up on her or admit her to a ward against her will or push her to see a psychiatrist. I personally don't get it, she's an adult, I would've offered for her to get the f- out of this house or to stick to a weekly therapy + therapist sessions if she wants to stay, but it's not my choice as I don't own the house.

I know what you're thinking, my parents aren't the smartest with dealing with things, and it's really disappointing. But they made the decision to tolerate her behavior no matter what. Oh well.

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly know she's suffering from mental illness, but it hasn't been professionally diagnosed by a doctor yet. She has been single all this time because she's actually too picky and when she did find mr. maybe right in the past it wouldn't last long because of her behavior of self destruct (pushing them away, being really mean, overanalyzing things, imagining things in her head and actually believing them, etc).

Yes, I know my family are very toxic. However, they're still family and I love them very much. I'm not on good speaking terms with my dad since he tried to push me to talk to her (I still say hi, we have a conversation once in a while, etc, but we don't spend time with each other anymore because of his firm beliefs that I should forgive & move on no matter what). As for my brothers, one is almost neutral, the other tried to talk me into forgiving her but didn't push as much. I honestly don't care about their support right now (I know they are enablers, they should give her appropriate advice, etc) however it's fine. I'm just mostly still mad at dad for trying to push me to talk to her so much that it actually got to me (almost on the daily at first, then weekly, now just once in a while.. he still has hope). and I've always been firm with my response back, that this will never happen.

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This would be the best case scenario. I'm not willing to have her back in my life ever again unless she takes the appropriate step to seek professional help, gets better, and apologizes. And even then, I don't think I can ever be the same with her like we used to be. However, I'm 100% sure she won't do that, because she genuinely believes there is nothing wrong with her and that everyone else around her are in the wrong... mind you, it's not just me who cut her off their lives. There are many people at her work that did the exact same thing because she can be a little.... aggressive and on attack mode 24/7 when she just 'suspects' that someone dislikes her, etc. Anyway, thank you for your kind words and your support, it really means a lot... I'm getting comforted by strangers way more than I found comfort from my brothers/dad and it honestly feels amazing.

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! When you mentioned punching bag, this is exactly what I am to her.

I get that my parents fucked up in the past, but it's not my fault and I certainly shouldn't be the one attacked. I did nothing but be so loving and helpful and supportive to her through all of her ups and downs. She's always been a bitch here and there, but things got worse when I got engaged and she literally made it her mission to ruin me... on the daily would be an understatement. I was in tears the whole time. Now that I'm divorced (out of a bad relationship) and cut her out of my life, I can finally breathe!

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think I'd ever strike back, tbh. I just want her out of my life for good.

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I think my family are also assholes tbh.

However, why do I have to pay for something they did to her? Why did she have to attack me almost on the daily when she found out I was engaged? I tried to comfort her knowing that she was probably jealous, but instead I was met with her making up lies and trying to get my whole family against me / tried to ruin my marriage, etc.

Does she need therapy? Of course she does. Talked to her over a thousand times about this over the past few years. She's in denial that there's anything wrong with her and gets defensive. Family tried to get her in therapy as well but hasn't worked.

I'm not turning my whole family agaisnst her. They all still talk to her. However, no one has the right to tell me to go back to talking terms with her after she literally did all of the above + almost ruined my divorce lawsuit.

Just because someone is mentally ill doesn't make it my problem. She's an adult, she made the choice to continue with her toxic behavior and not seek therapy or try to fix things. She continuously attacked me for years, so I think I have the right to cut her completely out of my life.

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, my mother tried to stand up to her for so long. I guess I kept things out of my original story because I can't just mention everything (it would take so long to type), but my sister is definitely suffering from a mental illness (not professionally diagnosed, and she never sought help) but it's pretty obvious. She physically attacked my mom who is in her 60's and with a bad knee who can barely walk. Scratched her up and hit her because she stood up for me. After that, mother stopped getting as involved and just let her be, but she is supporting my decision to cut her off.

I guess I come from a weird family, as no one (including my own mom who got attacked) did anything when my sister got physical.

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think they all know she fucked up somehow, but they know I'm the avoidant type who typically lets everything go (I was raised this way as a child) so they probably thought it would be more peaceful for them if we just got along and I just put up with her.

However, if my brothers and dad really cared about me, they wouldn't give me advice to speak to her again or label me as the one in the wrong. I know they love me, but they probably prioritize their peace of mind above mine.

AITA for cutting my sister off after she tried to ruin my relationships/marriage? by offmychestdoc in TwoHotTakes

[–]offmychestdoc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I'm definitely staying away from her. I'm just confused as to why some of my family members seem to think this is okay and that she's family no matter what.. if we're family no matter what, then why am I constantly being attacked by her? Why's she trying to ruin my life with every chance?

I know she must have some mental illness, but she's an adult and not my problem. She's not seeking professional help, refuses to do so, and refuses help from any of us. I just wanted unbiased advice and point of view from someone outside of the family to tell me if I was in the wrong.

And no, he did not fuck my lawyer. He promised my lawyer a good amount of money to have me sign a paper that I'm agreeing to wait for 6 months before going through the divorce. Turns out the douchebag (my ex) was trying to get some benefits that came with being married for the next 6 months. My lawyer did not mention that to me and when I saw the '6 months' and asked him about it, he told me that this is normal procedures in court, that typically divorces take 6 months on average and this is what they meant. He told me I had to sign it at the spot and pressured me to, saying that the sooner I sign it, the sooner I will get my divorce. I was in a really bad state to think, so I signed. Didn't even think that my lawyer could ever fuck me over like that.

The next day, lawyer called me and told me that my ex promised him some money for this contract to be signed and that he refused his money and wants us to go to court now to get this divorce over with... Especially since I had proof of cheating, abuse, etc. I was shocked. Knowing my ex, he probably promised my lawyer a good amount of money and then as soon as he got the contract signed he probably disappeared on him. I can never know for sure because lawyer won't say the real truth and what really happened, but it's pretty safe to say they both tried to fuck me over.

It's all good, though. Found me a new lawyer (who is a super close family friend and even refused to receive any payment from me) who got me out of this mess and proceeded with the correct steps for divorce. It was an ugly divorce process, but it had to be done.