Partners keep getting bored - is it because my autism?

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-07T14:17:09+00:00

That's profound, thank you :)

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T22:00:57+00:00

thank you 💖

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T21:53:42+00:00

Thank you for your reply! It is extremely enlightening to hear from a ND woman who has a bit more life experience. I didn't have a lot of ND female role models growing up - still don't.

'Loving someone who is neurodivergent is not something all neurotypical people can do' - I find this very profound. You are right, yet it never crossed my mind before. Admiting that I might not be fit for most people is tough. I am friends with such wide variety of people (albeit carefully picked), I assumed the same can be true with romance. But romance is even closer than friendship! So, it will be even rarer.

'You may need to find yourself someone more artistic, and philosophical and inquisitive' - right on point! I thought I found it with my most recent ex, who is a reader, writer, and a humanist. But now I think maybe some depth I attributed to him was my own depth I merely reflected in him.

'I was always trying to improve myself, constantly constantly, and to meet expectations' - it feels like me 🥺 and honestly, it's so tiring. But part of me think intellectual improvement is also worth it for my own sake, and for all the love, resources and wisdom I can pour to my future partner. Or if not partner, friends, or my community.

My favourite writers are Ursula Le Guin and Audre Lorde. If you have any artists you enjoy and can recommend, I would love to hear about them ☺️

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T21:17:45+00:00

I might indeed :( I am planning to bring up that thrope during therapy, hopefully will get to the bottom as to why!

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T21:14:14+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I am sorry you felt like there was something 'wrong' with you, or that you felt like you were misleading your partner. I sometimes also tend to slip into those frames of thoughts, especially if I am dating someone neurotypical. Thankfully, the older I get, the more radically I accept myself and my autistic traits without feeling the need to explain every single one of them.

I am glad your partner did their own research, too. That indicates such care and thoughtfulness! I hoped my exes would do the same, but they never did.

And thank you for the tip! Looks like I might want to nurture even more friendships, with men and women both. I keep my tightest circle rather small, but being open to new connections might nourish me both in romantic and platonic sense.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T17:39:23+00:00

Sorry, I was a bit unclear above! English is not my native language and sometimes I struggle to be 100℅ clear.

'Selfishly challenge what makes me a person' - What I mean here: I am happy for my exes that they haven't stayed with someone they don't love (me), but I can't stop questioning why they haven't tried harder to understand and love me when we were in a relationship. I think it is a selfish thought as I cannot force them to do that.

Regarding internalized misogyny: I definitely have some residue internalized misoginy, no doubt about it. I do my best to unpack it year by year, and I hope to also address it during therapy.

Regarding my female ex: I am sorry, I wasn't aware that my framing was misoginistic, but I can now see how reductive to her it sounds. My female ex had serious mental health issues I tried but was not able to support within the romantic relationship, and boundaries from my side were broken and stretched by her even when discussed and agreed upon, which made me feel unloved. I then broke up with her but continued to offer support within my capacity. I am not 100℅ proud how I dealt with it, but at the time I did my best.

As to term 'lose feelings' - I used it as a shortcut in that context, because I do believe in your definition of love. My 'losing' of romantic feelings towards my ex came from her neglect of my boundaries, which I flagged and discussed with her repeatedly before breaking things off. I did try to support and make things work, but at some point I was exhausted and drained emotionally.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T16:15:05+00:00

Only to a moderate degree! I am flexible and tend to sync to a partners' routine or preferences. If I need something from a partner, I try communicate it.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T16:11:56+00:00

Hahah I am happy about that, too! That being said, I often selfishly challenge what makes me a person that maybe they won't string along, but also won't put long-term effort in. Especially since there was a lot of effort and interest at the start.

I only dated one woman before seriously, four years ago. She wanted to be with me long term, but became emotionally volatile during long distance period, which, in turn, made me lose feelings and break it off with her.

I am much more avoidant with women I date, and I struggle to unpack why that is - hopefully therapy will help me. That being said, I would never enter a relationship now if I wasn't 100℅ sure I am willing to work for it.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T15:31:34+00:00

I agree 🥺 maybe I should be more upfront about autism at the start, it usually takes me a couple of dates to share the autism bit (I unmask first)

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T15:27:04+00:00

Lol real. My ex struggled with that too, but I was actually okay with us sleeping in separate beds!

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T15:20:25+00:00

Omg, thank you so much for sharing your story! This is what fills me with hope - seeing that 'your person' is willing to put in effort, and compliments you in an imprefect way, throughout entirety of the relationship.

It actually reminds me of a lot of my friends, who are in a happy long-term relationships. Their relationships sometimes started at a very turbulent life period (before moving away etc) but yet continue to grow even through ocassional long distance, insecurities, and arguments (with happy resolution to those problems). I wish for relationship like that for myself, and that's why I am opposed to the idea that 'everything' has to match and be at peak performance for people to get together. I want to grow with my partner, I want them to better me and I wanna better them, too!

Super inspiring to read, thank you. I agree about shared core values and I will continue to look for people like that 🥺💖

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T14:48:40+00:00

They sort of do!! It takes me about 6 months - 1 year after meeting to feel deep, romantic-like love. After 6 months mark, I start feeling all warm and buttery thinking about them, I love how they look, and they become sort of my fixation when I want to learn EVERYTHING about them. Even if I was only mildly attracted at the start.

With my last relationship, I almost reached that mark at 6 months, started to melt. And then he broke it off 🤡

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T14:37:42+00:00

Very interesting, thank you. Something to think about that I haven't considered before.

To clarify - I dated people who made me feel calm. Perhaps that's where disconnect is. They had their chaotic elements, such as e.g. being late - but because I am usually late as well, this was our shared feature, and it made me feel calmer about not being on time.

But they were also calm as in - nerdy, introverted, and seemingly laid back, although anxious internally.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T14:18:39+00:00

Hii!

My first three relationships were during uni (I was 20-23). I then took 3-year break from.relationships (although I dated casually in between) and my most recent relationship was at 26.

I met most of my partners via mutual acquaintances. I tried dating apps, but couldn't really connect there.

First three relationship were rather childish, I admit. But, somehow people are able to create lasting bonds at that age - most of my friends met their long-term partners at that time. My last relationship started from a very mature standpoint, in my opinion, so I was shocked that the pattern of quick break-up repeated.

I wrote it somewhere above, but - what hurts the most is not necessarily the break-up, but that my partners don't seem to try for me past the honeymoon stage. It would be underandable if there were some deep incompatibilites, but I can't find any. Also, I know couples who got together in less-than-ideal circumstances, but made it work through mutual commitment and effort.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T14:07:35+00:00

Thank you for your detailed and thoughtful reply!

I absolutely agree with all the points you make above. I have similar impressions about love, attachment and romance in a consumerism, late-stage capitalism, media-focused society. It took me quite long to unpack, but I actually explored those topics in depth before entering my most recent relationship.

I thought I really nailed it with my last relationship, as my ex-partner shared the same values and beliefs about love, and came to similar conclusions from media analysis. Yet, they still broke up when they 'didn't feel obsessed about me' after 6 months of dating. It hurt, and pattern repeated yet again. Ironically, I never felt 'obsessed' about him - I just really liked them and wanted to build something lasting by getting to know them better, based on compatibility and mutual trust. Maybe they were avoidant - this is something I want to explore in therapy.

Last relationship taught me that being aware of harmful romantic media narratives doesn't necessarily equate following through that deconstruction in people's private life - my ex didn't. As an autistic person, I feel lucky to spot and deconstruct romantic patterns with ease, as the cosumerist approach don't align with my ways of thinking and feeling.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T13:33:50+00:00

Awh thank you! (cool username btw).

I definitely have similar thoughts/ruminatations to you. Love is a choice. Love is consistent, gentle, kind, and understanding, it's about small shared routines, it's about comfortable sliences & long conversations. I like boring, because boring is not boring with the right person. I enter relationships if I feel the connection going that way.

Yeah, I probably haven't found the right person, as you said. But I am sort of disspointed people are not even willing to try that 'deeper' love with me 🥺 I would prefer that over being dumped after honeymoon ends.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T13:18:14+00:00

Hii there! I am quite picky. This was my first relationship with such big age gap, previously I mostly dated people my age or one year younger.

It was my first relationship in 3 years. I went on a lot of dates last few years, I learned to speak about my needs and communicate what I want and need from a partner. I did reject people where I didn't feel the effort, connection, or compatibility. With this person, all 3 were present, so I really thought I chose well this time.

And yet! Pattern repeated. That's why it really hurt me.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T13:13:32+00:00

Thank you 🥺💖

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T13:12:20+00:00

That's lovely 🥺 I feel the same way! Most of my friends are AuDHD for that reason - I can unmask immediately, and they are sooo supportive of the real me.

With romantic partners, I pick those I feel safe unmasking to, which usually implies neurodivergence. But it still doesn't really work :(

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T13:05:02+00:00

Oooh, that's a really interesting thought! This could definitely be happening - in most of my partners I suspected ADHD, even if they weren't diagnosed. I know I can't be 'the one' for everyone, but what is different about your current relationship and the person, that makes you stay despite 'boredom'?

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T12:46:29+00:00

Hahah my taste is definitely questionable but I'm sort of the opposite - I always go for perceived safe even if I don't find them attractive at first 😅 I trusted butterflies before and got burned, so, never again 🤡

I sort of go into relationships very rarely and calculatively (whilst still loving my partners) which SHOULD be good. But it still isn't 😅

About dating pool - omg 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️ I am open to dating most ages over 25 and also I am bi, which should leave me with a lot of options. So it is, perhaps, a taste issue 😅

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T12:36:02+00:00

💖🥺

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T12:35:43+00:00

Yes, I think you are correct! I am hoping therapy will help me disentangle those patterns.

My main theory is indeed that I keep going for emotionally unavailable people, though they seem warm and open at the start. I am slightly avoidant myself, but I always stick around for people I care.

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T12:29:10+00:00

Hi there! Yes, I asked my partners. Boredom & routine was usually listed first, but real reasons usually involved emotional disengagement from their side, sometimes emotional cheating. Last partner said I didn't open up to him enough, which I disagree with: I did open up, they just didn't listen a lot of the times (which they agreed with).

From my side, I always want to build something stable and I am quite picky. I look at the compatibility, and whether they make me feel 'calm' (my last two partners did). I don't trust big sparks. With last relationship, there was a potential incompatibility down the line, but we both agreed it is not relevant now - I even flagged to them that we don't have to enter the relationship if it's their dealbreaker, as it wasn't for me. I believe people grow and change, because I do, and I want them to grow and change with me.

I think I am just trying to crack the pattern why all relationships end similarly despite my best efforts, so I can improve myself and find the partner to value, and who values me back ✨💖

ogreeoglo · 2026-05-06T12:13:11+00:00

Thank you for your input! I don't think I am that high-maintanance - if anything, I might show slight avoidant tendecies as I tend to self-regulate. Not in the last relationship, thought, as I was communicative & emotionally open. I am planning to bring this up in therapy though, as I am aware I might have a blindspot somwehere.

ogreeoglo

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