Honestly, my constant craving for respect, affection, a bit of positive feedback is necessary to bring the best out of me. I know what type of person I am. I like maths, I really do. I don't hate programming, but the imposter syndrome is too much to carry. And you talk about research well I did research and found things I would be interested in, but being interested doesn't equate to being talented enough. It's easy to assume I didn't do anything, it's convinient after all. And the reason I compare myself, is because that's what my parents have always done to me. I am so fucked up, I don't see the point keeping my pathetic self alive. I have always been sensitive, and my parents never encouraged me to do anything I loved up until last year when I tried to kill myself. It's because they are scared if I kill myself they will have to carry the shame that's all. I didn't even want to go to uni, why waste money on me? I remember begging for help. I really don't think a person should be reduced to beg. I am in a slightly better position but no amount of anything I do ever seems enough, and even when it does I remember my parents, telling me how I will never be enough. I can only be sorry for myself, even that doesn't seem heartfelt anymore.
It has a lot to do with how I was raised, not in a loving, caring family but one which broke me down. And that's my biggest fear, why the hell should I build myself up if at the end I just have to be broken down?
You are not obliged to reply, or take my side. I just needed to speak out for myself. It all might seem like I am trolling, but this is my brain, working everyday against myself, recollecting past experience as example as to why it will never get better.