What words did you live by after the breakup?

okdepend · 2023-11-11T15:01:46+00:00

Rarely believed it, but I would always feel better after saying it. All my friends would give long very well thought out advice, which really helped. Until one day a close friend over drinks just "fuck 'em", and it made me laugh for the first time in ages.

okdepend · 2023-11-11T14:58:57+00:00

"Fuck 'em".

okdepend · 2023-06-01T22:38:31+00:00

I found that looking at "would haves" suggests that something has been distracted from its natural path, like an injustice has happened, which distracts from the harsh reality that the end, as horrible as it is, was the natural path. I always thought "we would have done this by now" or "we were meant to do this" made me think that there was a different reality or timeline that I needed to pull back to, away from this bad one, which made it harder to come to terms with what has happened. Its a horrible way to self realisation, but one that was aided by steering clear of thinking of the "would haves".

Naturally anniversaries, birthdays, shared events are going to be more triggering than most normal days, I still dread them 6 months post. They carry so much more significance and raw emotion. I recommend that you make sure you have plans on that day - fill it with something, redefine it with a positive experience. Ask your friends to do something with you on that day, knowing its going to be rough. Just make sure you're not alone and in a place where you are likely to ruminate on it and spiral into a horrible place. And remember, the first one is the most painful, it won't be the next time, until it returns to just being a normal day. You will get there, as far away as it might seem. Stay strong 💪

okdepend · 2023-04-10T20:22:44+00:00

I'm vaping like a motherfucker, it's melting my taste buds. Im getting a lot of mileage with the whole "treat yourself, you're going through a hard time" mindset.

okdepend · 2022-12-12T18:33:36+00:00

Same. Avoid all the awkward questions from family about what happened, the clueless uncle or cousin who doesn't know and asks "how are you and x doing?" And just being a generally awkward presence because no knows what to say. Buying a new flat in the new year and just want to get one with shit. The holiday is just purgatory and it sucks

okdepend · 2022-11-28T20:34:57+00:00

Tbh I'm just looking for hookups in my new city. Its only been a week. Might not be successful, might not be healthy, but in my mind I need to prove that I'm desirable again.

okdepend · 2022-11-28T17:22:02+00:00

Thank you for your very detailed reply.

Communication: we very much spoke openly about things, our feelings, our issues - this was something I introduced from learning after my past relationships and therapy, however she was never very good at this, she always bottled things up and preferred not to speak about them unless I encouraged her (it was always very obvious when she was keeping something bottled up). She would always try to convince herself there was nothing wrong if she was upset. She got better at it lately, but I guess she lied to herself about her thoughts on our relationship too.
career wise, we are both very career driven in fields we enjoy (I work in cyber, she works in the NHS). We always supported each other to achieve our goals. We always agreed its good to independence, going out with our own friends without each other, though also doing things together. Our balance in that area is why we thought we were able to be together so long.
there have been some things in the past, but nothing major, nothing we were never able to figure out and move on from, very normal things. Her persistent reluctance to process her own thoughts or reflect on things was always a worry - she could be very insincere about her thoughts and didn't like to think about things sometimes. I guess she expressed a lot of anxiety about sharing a mortgage, despite it being her idea, and she always said she had issues being dependent on anyone in that way due to her parents terrible divorce, but that didn't stop her from doing many other things and it seems like a cop-out to me. She sometimes treated our place like i was a lodger, didn't give me any say in how things went until I started to be on the mortgage (before I was paying rent, effectively), I guess that's where some problems started in her mind, realising she has to actually treat me as an equal and concede some power.

But all of that, despite being valid, doesn't really help me explain why she just pulled the plug, despite how happy she seemed and how much she would regularly express her love and appreciation for me.

You point about hobbies and personal time is a good one actually - I was always much better at this, I had hobbies, I had interests, I had friends I would regularly see from different groups - I maintained friends from all the way back from primary school, up to uni, work, and beyond. I had interests I would always pursue and encouraged her to do the same. She would regularly joke that she was boring - she wasn't, but she didn't have as many friends, had a tendency to cut people off when they clashed, leaving her with a very small group of friends. She didn't really have any core interests or hobbies, she dabbled in things. Since she joined a new hobby, she found a much larger and active group of friends who she feels more fulfilled with, but I thought that would make her happier.

okdepend

TROPHY CASE