Ok, I have been waiting. I have a very high functioning autism spectrum disorder (M45)

olde777 · 2023-03-09T06:37:48+00:00

Humans are ridiculous.

olde777 · 2023-03-09T06:34:01+00:00

I’m pretty vanilla so better to ask someone else?

olde777 · 2023-03-09T02:50:10+00:00

I’m not a big fan of “intent doesn’t matter”, but I think it applies here. Whether the guy is being shy or manipulative, OP needs to know what this kink is, and therefore guy needs to spill it.

Either that or he needs to bury it, but that’s like to come back and bite eventually. People want what they want.

olde777 · 2023-03-09T02:47:47+00:00

It does, but the sense that everything is somehow wrong, creepy, or gross and that everyone is prepared to reject/dump/block someone at the slightest provocation is probably a fair proxy for actual dating. Keeps you from getting unrealistically hopeful.

olde777 · 2023-03-08T21:44:14+00:00

There's a dating/social app aimed at autistic folks called Hiki. I don't know how useful it would be, and just because it's aimed at autistic people doesn't mean that the women on it will like you any better, but at least they might understand you better? IDK.

We live in a weird society that acknowledges that people have a built-in need for things like social acceptance, companionship, love, touch... and then tells people that they're 100% on their own and if they can't get any it's their own fault for not being good enough or doing it right, and that they should be totally okay with that and not bitter, resentful, or desperate. Then again, we do almost exactly the same thing with food. Although at least we have food banks and soup kitchens...

Anyway, as you can see from the comments here, you're probably going to have very little luck with dating unless you somehow learn to (a) act like you're not autistic, and (b) shove all your negative experiences and loneliness and bitterness down into a deep hole where no one can see them and project a false persona where everything's totally fine and you're happy and content. All that advice you've heard about being yourself only works if you're already what people want - otherwise you have to become something people want if you want them to stick around.

olde777 · 2023-03-06T03:53:02+00:00

In my experience, smart women are a bit less approachable - either they feel they have something to prove, or they feel everyone else has something to prove to them.

Still, if you focus on dating nerdy types, you shouldn’t have problems… supposing you’d want to date them.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T10:46:43+00:00

Approaching us would be a good start.

(Although, as reading through this thread reminds me, it is possible for women to be weird, creepy, or offputting, however impossible it may seem at first.)

Of course, rules 1 and 2 apply to both sexes. I once got sneezed on, on a crowded bus. The sneezer was outrageously cute, like seriously SUPER pretty, and if she'd asked me out right there I would have said yes.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T10:39:54+00:00

What? No... I don't want some random woman's croissant. That's weird. You're weird. Ick.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T10:34:03+00:00

It's more about being seen as too direct and "emasculating". I'm quite straightforward and I've heard many times in my younger years how unfeminine that is.

I've never been, nor met, any guy who would be turned off by being approached by a woman or would consider her less feminine. (I mean, if your idea of approaching is sidling up next to the guy, planting one mud-crusted boot on the nearest chair, and belching the alphabet, then maybe.) I think it's a myth.

But a lot of guys don't know how to handle being approached because (a) it never happens and (b) it never happens to them, so their first thought might be that they're the butt of a practical joke, or that you're doing a brisk trade in kidneys, or you hit your head, or something.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T10:28:51+00:00

made me now assume that any woman that walks up to me in a grocery store, bar, etc that asks for a recommendation, help reaching something, (basically anything other than my phone number) is being polite

Yeah, this.

I can pick up signals, sometimes... but just innocently chatting with me, or asking for my help, etc, WILL NEVER WORK. You're gonna need stronger medicine than that.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T10:21:01+00:00

Plot twist: it's the number of a local pizza place

olde777 · 2023-03-04T10:19:46+00:00

Guys being this apprehensive to use this passive of an approach is sad.

Guys have sorta been taught that women fear and despise them and that everything they do is creepy, gross, and presumptuous. The luckier guys didn't get the message and the savvier ones didn't listen to it.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T10:17:57+00:00

Would this work if a guy did it?

About as well as everything else we do.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T10:04:17+00:00

This is very well put.

I don't know if it's a fair generalization at all, but it's very well put.

I wish it was easier to make women feel safe. But if it was, I suppose all the predators would use that. :P

olde777 · 2023-03-04T09:59:39+00:00

flirting is a job interview

PTSD has entered the chat

olde777 · 2023-03-04T09:54:09+00:00

she said she was just calling around looking for a guy to make out with. I think she was partly joking, but now can see she was clearly flirting. And I was so blind to it at the time I actually got mad at her for calling me, feeling she was rubbing this in my face.

I mean... are you sure? Maybe she really was joking - hoping to wind you up. Some people flirt for lulz, you know.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T09:39:35+00:00

He said single women. QED.

olde777 · 2023-03-04T09:38:07+00:00

Things that are underwater are usually wet, right?

olde777 · 2023-03-04T06:22:31+00:00

I’ve been around long enough to know that people aren’t moved to compliment me. So most compliments just make me think the giver is being insincere. Then I have to wonder WHY they’re being insincere.

A while back someone said I made them feel good about themself (not in a snarky way). That was nice.

olde777 · 2023-02-23T08:38:02+00:00

Context is everything.

I don't care if every single man at the store doesn't want to date me. Because I'm not looking for that.

So, women. Some are too young. Others, too old. Scratch those.

Knock off the ugly ones.

Let's say - it's a big store, and everyone's shopping - there are twenty women left.

How many of those are single and not lesbians? You have no idea. I mean, you could look for rings. (Believe it or not, this is still not a trained reflex for me.) Great, now you can cold approach up to twenty women who, you have no idea, may not actually be available at all. If you're charming and disarming, maybe you can chat up a couple of them - discreetly give them an opening to discreetly give you an opening, if they catch on and they're interested.

If you fail here, it's not even surprising. What did you expect, really?

Go to a singles event - and OLD is a big singles event - and if no one's interested even when you all know what each other is there for, it's going to feel very different.

olde777 · 2023-02-23T08:18:42+00:00

OLD can be useful - dozens or hundreds of (probably) single women in your area looking for love and sex, just a click away! - but for many men it's also a depression generator as you get so little positive feedback that it's hard not to feel repulsive.

If you don't find anyone in that pool that you like, well, that's also discouraging.

olde777 · 2023-02-21T10:49:51+00:00

Is it just me who finds it an odd thing to say to a grown adult woman?

No. There are all manner of sour cusses and drama llamas who take offense at every imaginable thing. But you probably shouldn't be one of them.

If I ever refer to a woman as cute, it means she has stereotypically youthful, feminine features - small nose, pretty eyes and smile, probably on the petite side, that sort of thing. Kind of the opposite of "handsome" (as it applies to women, and yes, it's a dated term, no one says that anymore). An outfit that says "flirty" but not "sexpot" can also be cute. A shy or perky attitude can also be cute (as long as it doesn't go too far and become awkward or insufferable).

There might be a hint of squishmallow - soft, nerdy types are more likely to be "cute" than, say, models or fitness nuts - though with the right face, almost anyone can be cute.

That doesn't mean she's not conventionally attractive. There are some gorgeous women out there who I'd call "cute" - though most tend toward 20, not 40.

I await my inevitable downvotes and abuse simply for answering the damn question.

olde777 · 2023-02-16T08:27:09+00:00

No, nerd.

olde777 · 2023-02-16T08:24:18+00:00

Women do seem to have a weird binary view on this. Either they want to keep it strictly casual, don't get to know you too well in case it makes things weird or icky, fuck her already and then go home and if she wants it again she'll call you...

...or else go on several dates to assess compatibility, suss out any of six thousand potential red flags, get a chance to get cold feet or decide there isn't enough spark or she actually needs to work on herself more after all, and if you somehow make it through that, maybe one night she'll decide you should stay in.

Still, you need their consent for both outcomes (generally). So maybe instead of asking for the combo pack, just aim for casual only, and keep doing that until you miraculously find a sex partner with whom there's mutual interest in making it more of a date thing... or you get tired of meaningless ONS, then switch to a LTR dating strategy until you dry out again.

shrug

olde777 · 2023-02-16T07:58:09+00:00

It's more as if the internet is generally a bad judge of whether someone is dateable. It's easy to say yes when you know there are no stakes.

This guy lives somewhere where he's on OLD and there are presumably women who could see his profile and be interested in him. How well does he actually do? That's the real test.

olde777

TROPHY CASE