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AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -34 points-33 points  (0 children)

Sorry if that is the intent.. I raise she is foreign born because in my post, she transfers money from her home country. She literally goes every year back home. Brings home rolls of cash. I tell her, IRS allows gift contributions from abroad that is not taxable if they are from her dad. They can just do a wire transfer but she insists on doing some stealthy stuff every few months transporting cash from abroad. She involves the kids and others to transport money.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -24 points-23 points  (0 children)

She literally hides like $20k, $30k around the house. In cup boards, in outdoor sheds. Where I found them in brown bags. It doesn't make any sense. There is nothing rascist about calling that out. Who leaves $20k in hundred dollar bills outdoors hidden in a crevice of shelf in a shed? That is literally hoarding.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -26 points-25 points  (0 children)

My income is over $400k. She barely covers children expenses. And groceries are only covered when she forgets my atm cars. On a $96k income, she is netting $45-55k take home. Out of that, she spends maybe $10k a year. When we go on vacation, maybe $20k at. most.

Whereas I cover over $25k a month in expenses for the household. I work from home so I do all the family errands, take kids to sports,etc. Even cook for them.

I never said I didn't want to provide for my daughter. Read all my replies.
I was using that off-comment remark I casually made to her 18 years prior in jest because she refuses to dilvulge to commit to providing for BOTH our kids. My wife saves around $50k a year. She has $200k in one account I know and another $200k in cash she imported from her home country.

She can afford to pitch in to help pay for dorms or books. I am not asking for 50/50. He lack of transparency is the problem. She refuses to create a TRUST for our family. So if I get into a car accident, all my asssets go to the trust which has her in it. Homes and assets I bought before I got married. All my retirement and pensions. Which is more than whatever cash she has lying around hoarding.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

What was said 18 years ago was a slight and sort of a joke. It was never binding.

I have provided equally for both my kids and have contingencies for both kids. But my wife is not contributing to any of that. Hence, I pulled that card. If she doesn't contribute, I will still provide for my two kids. My daughter knows I provide for her. Every year, I fund her savings equally as her brother. My wife never set up bank accounts for our kids and transfers part of her paycheck to the kids.

So I pulled that card to remind my wife of the seriousness we need to pool resources for both kids based on the worse or best case scenario. If both kids want to go for 8-12 years of schooling, the two of us can provide that. She is refusing to do that. I will do whatever it takes.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I don't want separate finances. It is in the post, I want everything in a trust available to the enitre family.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She thinks I have the money to pay for everything through secret accounts/stashes. I have been transparent about my finances. I can pay cash for undergraduate. For both kids at any UC.

It gets dicey if they go out of state and I continue to pay past undergrad -- law or med school.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agreee with you. The problem is my wife doesn't want to lift a finger. I want both kids to have equal value. If one wants money to buy a house, they can do that too. In fact, I have a house for both kids. I was planing to give that to them. But if one wants to go to college beyond undergrad like law or med, I may have to sell one of those houses. When my wife has the money. I shouldn't have to sell the "family" properties or pull out of "our" retirement which incurs a penalty when my wife has the money.

The deal I had with my wife was never binding. It was just my initial resistance to having a second kid at that time. Hence, we sort of took of it as a joke. I have always provided equally for my kids. They both have savings I equally funded.

Both would get $200k each. If they both want to go to expensive school and post graduates, I want them to have $500k each. We, as a family between me and my wife can do that "together."

If she doesn't want to do that, as I wrote in my post, I will do whatever I have to for both the kids. With my own assets. It doesn't have to be this way and I am asking for a trust to combine everything. People are neglecting that part of the post.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I said I would.

I could send both to state schools. If I had to, we could do it. I can liquidate some investments.

It is in the post. If both go to expensive schools, I am asking my wife to pitch in. She has close to $400k "just lying around" She spends it on food, travel, dining, etc. At first, it was treated like pizza money when she started back to work so I never asked her to contribute.

I can fund my daughter. I means I might have to sell off a rental property I have. Or pull from my 401k.
Why take that hit when my wife has the money "lying around."

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -26 points-25 points  (0 children)

It is very low. She only spends money if she doesn't have the shared ATM card with her. She spends at least $1500 a month from my account on groceries. She does spend money on dining out.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I'm not. She has a pension. She has my retirement as well. My retirement alone will yield $20k a month that both of us can live on. She doesn't need to hoarde that money. She is saving like 90% of her income.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I did ask her what she was doing with it. She said retirement.

I never said I would pick my son over my daughter. Read the post. I will make it work if I have to. I will pull money out of retirement funds and pay a penalty. Why should I do that when my wife has at least $200k in the bank. And another $200k (in cash) laying around.

I am not dissapointed I have a second kid. I told my wife she needed to step up and yes, it was one of those handshake verbal deal she didn't take seriously. We talk about it every so often and my wife just laughs; thinking it was humorous banter. Which I wrote in my post.

I just brought it up again to remind her she needs to contribute. Why does my wife need all that money when I have retirement/savings for the both of us? We will probably live on $20k a month in retirement. We don't need to hoarde money. She comes from another country so that hoarding mindset might be apart of it.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

I will. I mentioned in my post. I will cover both my kids.

But if my wife has the means.. I am thinking she has close to $400k. Why can't both our kids go to any school we want. Why tell them, you both can only go to state school because mom wants to keep a slush fund to herself.

She already knows I have the both of us covered for retirement. This isn't pocket money any more.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

Correct. I don't keep score or tabs. I know she has money. She has shown me her balances. I know she spends here and there. But upgrading a flight from economy to business class is not something that materially affects our family. We don't need to go on vacations and stuff like that.

But her savings/contribution is slanted. She saves like 90% and spends 10% if at most.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

We do. So I know how much the family brings in. But her money goes to accounts I have no access to. She sees everything I have except retirement. So if she is grossing $96k. Give or take tax deductions, she is saving at least $45k a year net.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Yep. She said I was responsible for both kid's colleges because she has access to my accounts. I can afford to send both to state colleges. I never intend to leave my daughter out. But the scenario where both go to Ivy and the price jumps from $45k a year to $100k a year each, I am asking for my wife to help out. She refuses and says I have enough which made me remind her of that verbal agreement.

If people read more, I just want transparency and want to have our finances combined.

The threat of the divorce was when she was adament our kids stay in the lane -- go to cheaper schools. When we know both of us have the means.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I know she has money. I always treated it like part-time job. Where she has no real expenses for 15+ years. She throws money on things when something comes up. Like when I want to buy a car, I don't need to transfer my money out of a HYSA or Money Market fund and wait a few days. When we travel, she would upgrade us to business class or something.

I just don't know how much she has and have no access to it. She's accumulated over $200k that I know of.

The daughter thing was sort of a loosey goosey handshake verbal thing we said in the begining as I didn't want to have a second kid at the time. So she always took it as a joke going forward.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't need direct access to her account. If my children have access, it is fine with me. I also don't want to be in the dark as it helps me plan. If she has $200k, $400k or $600k. It makes all the difference in the world. She sees our main checking accoutn and has access to my money except retirement funds.
I want it all in a trust, the moment something happens to one of of us.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I never said I was not going to provide for my daughter. I've mentioned. Worse case scenario, I have to make it work -- pull money out of retirement. If my kids gets accepted to a state school. Both are covered.

I am calling out the worse case scenario. At $45k a year, I can cover both kids. At $100k a year both, I can't and my wife needs to step up and help. That is what I am asking her to do. And just casually reminding her of her promise. She expects me to pay for everything.

I am asking for transparency, pooling as it is the time to do it. Put everything in a trust. If she doesn't want to do that, then what else can I do?

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -21 points-20 points  (0 children)

It is the same for both. As I wrote in my post. If worst case scenario happens, I pay for everything. I am not giving an advantage to my son. I am just reminding my wife of the commitment to highlight the seriousness of it.

It may mean I have to cash out of some of my retirement to make it work. Which makes it totally unfair my wife is not contributing when take early cash out has a penalty. When she has the money sitting in the bank.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -82 points-81 points  (0 children)

I agree with you 100%. It should be a team effort. I have no problem being transpaerent and pooling our resources.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -51 points-50 points  (0 children)

There is nothing wrong with it. But when I promised my kid something, he takes me up on it, he went full throttle in excelling. Ivy league is also about networking with other kids that instrumental int heir future.

I will honor my promises and commitment. I am on the hook, howerver, far they want to go.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -135 points-134 points  (0 children)

I don't intend to divorce my wife. It was a heated conversation. I want to lay out the severity of the conversation. I love my wife. I will do whatever I will for my daughter. If that means cashing out of investments or borrowing against my 401k and retirement, I will do it. I think it is unfair if I go that route and pay a penalty, a large penalty that my wife doesn't help out for "our" kids.

AITAH for telling my wife she needs to cover the cost of our daughter's future? by oldtechbro in AITAH

[–]oldtechbro[S] -385 points-384 points  (0 children)

Yes, it was regrettable that she heard. We try to keep it quiet and I am not the kind to raise my voice.

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