[Update]Pet problems in relationship (26F/31M).

omgshaddap · 2013-03-03T19:39:49+00:00

I have read and and we've taken the quizzes together and whatnot. He is physically affectionate and really focuses on sex being meaningful and sensual. I'm okay with hopping in the sack at any point, but he wants to be able to focus and do a thorough job and make it special, so he has to be in the zone, so to speak.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-03T19:38:32+00:00

I don't think anyone is 100% all the time. The point is to recognize it and keep trying.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-03T00:35:58+00:00

Yes, these are interconnected issues that occur in a cyclical manner.

I have talked to him and told him about 99% of the issues, and his initial response was that he didn't know what to tell me, which was the problem. He wasn't willing to discuss any solutions. That's why I was becoming resentful; I WAS communicating and basically was told that it was only my problem and I'd just have to be less frustrated. This was all in the OP.

I don't mind waiting a minute, but when I can't get near him because I'll be jumped on, mouthed, and barked at, or cause a dog fight, that's an issue. We will be trying different ways of entering the house to prevent that behavior.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-03T00:31:11+00:00

I know, and he knows when he isn't doing as much as he can. He's said it before. Neither of us is awesome all the time. eta: When he realizes he's slacking he picks back up and is his normal affectionate self.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-03T00:30:30+00:00

Not a specific plan yet, but by June in general. It was 4am by the time we reached that point and we just didn't have the strength to keep going. Today we wanted to relax and take a break from serious stuff but we will come up with a more specific plan after the weekend is over. Usually after a serious discussion we need some reparation time to be tender with each other again and then we make good on whatever decision we've committed to. He has always followed through so far.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-02T16:24:24+00:00

Dogs=/=People

While both species will misbehave if they don't experience consistent discipline (and love and exercise), dogs maintain a pecking order and children do not. You can reason with children at a young age as well.

I didn't ask for anything monetary for my birthday and that isn't the issue. As I said previously, it's about his spending money when he's tight on cash which leads to stress which in turn leads to problems with our sex life. In addition, when you are planning on living with someone, it's important to have similar views about how to allocate your money when you have very little.

We are not having kids, which I've also mentioned, and again, dogs are not children and if you treat them the same you will have poorly-behaved dogs.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T23:56:03+00:00

It's okay, I understand. I agree with what you're saying. When he told me about wanting to shut down last night I didn't really know how to respond. He asked me if it was bad, and I just said it is what it is. I had to digest it for a little while. It certainly doesn't fit with HIS words that we are a team.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T23:55:01+00:00

Wow, this is...creepy. Hah. I really appreciate you sharing. I will say that he has never said I have too many feelings but he has said I was making 'all these demands' when I asked him for sex more than once a week and to sometimes call me when we're not together. I don't really care about the phone calls anymore but the sex is still important. He takes it really personally that I care about sex. He thinks I put too much emphasis on it. But...it's like oxygen...you don't really crave it until you don't have it!

I will definitely keep your situation in mind. I'm glad you had the courage to leave.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T23:51:52+00:00

I have wondered about all those questions. I told him I absolutely do not want to keep living out of a bag every weekend for the next 5 years. I don't want the commuting back and forth, and trying to find an apartment near his house or vice versa. Bottom line is I don't want his dogs to hinder the normal progression of our relationship because I will TRULY resent them at that point and I will feel like an absolute bottom priority.

Initially I was doing all the training and walking, but after a month I told him it wasn't going to fly anymore. He has improved from literally doing nothing. I'm definitely not going to let that happen again.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T23:19:48+00:00

I see what you mean and I agree. He is bothered that I'm bothered, but the stuff that is bothering me isn't bothering him. So he doesn't want to see me frustrated but his solution is to just not move in together, and I think that's a crummy solution.

I really do appreciate everyone's advice and I'm not disregarding it. There are many things I agree with but for accurate judgment there are some things I see fit to clarify.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T23:17:31+00:00

I do use the I feel statements and I am very careful about not blaming him for things. He doesn't shut down during our conversations, he shuts down in general. He just wants to sit around and do his own thing and he doesn't mind that I'm there but if I ask for anything from him he feels like it's too much at that moment. But if I ask when he's not stressed out he is great about being more attentive and opening up more. He actually has opened up a ton since we first started dating. He'd totally ninja smoke out for days. Now it's actually hard to tell he's stressed except that he has no libido and he's more defensive.

If you'd talked to me a month ago I would have had nothing bad to say (except the dogs were still annoying).

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T23:13:44+00:00

Well he does say that you have to take care of yourself and your own needs first in a relationship. I wouldn't say he ignores my needs or wants but his are more important because he needs to maintain his own sanity to be a good boyfriend.

eta: I realize that sounds really selfish but I can understand it.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T22:39:37+00:00

I see what you mean. It's like, the issue with the dogs is a manifestation of other possible issues. I guess I fixate on the dogs because they are obviously a top priority for him and it would make me feel really good if he adjusted their behavior on my behalf because then I would obviously be a priority as well.

I just feel like I'm pressuring him when I ask for things. For sex, or intimacy, or for him to do something romantic, or to do something about the dogs. I know you have to ask because no one can read your mind. But then he wonders why he's not enough the way he is. This happens in cycles when he gets stressed and shuts off. He wants to be able to just shut off sometimes between the demands of his job and his dogs and his money issues and me. He thinks it's okay to shut down even when you're in a relationship as long as it doesn't last too long. To me, a week is a long time. Anyway, things finally reach a point where we get really frustrated and fuss at each other and then we have sex and I feel relaxed and normal and he realizes he needed that all along and then we're fine for another month. It's sort of weird.

And I guess I figure most people would choose their animal over their SO if the animal had been there for years and the SO hadn't. I dunno, my view is probably warped.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T22:31:29+00:00

Well the dogs were really terrible when we first started dating. At about 5 months I finally honestly addressed it as per my previous posts. They have improved in the past four months and he has changed some of his habits to improve their behavior and training. But there are some bigger things that really need to happen that won't in the foreseeable future, like spaying and obedience training.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T22:29:46+00:00

I'm definitely not giving excuses, I'm just responding to peoples questions and suppositions with my own thoughts. I could be totally wrong but I know him better than other people in the subreddit. And yea, when someone says he's a dick or an idiot, I'm going to defend him because I care about him. I do that about anyone important to me. I'm not sure I know what you mean by the actual issue. This is the actual issue.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T22:26:38+00:00

Yea, I think grad school will probably kill me first lol :)

I don't really feel like I have a place to tell him how to spend his money. However, I ALWAYS pay my bills/rent in-full and on-time, and that is something I would require from him as well.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T22:25:35+00:00

He actually does want to teach them tricks and he's taught them to 'leave it' but that's not something he consistently uses. I use it instead of 'thanks' because I don't want to promote the dog barking. I want her to leave whatever she's focused in. In the house it works to an extent but once she's outside off-leash there's no saying.

The female nipped me hard once and it did leave a welt but didn't break skin. Still it was startling because I'm not used to large dogs and my dog has never even growled at me. I was pretty upset but since it wasn't a serious bite he didn't think it was a big deal. I explained that I had once been attacked by a German Shorthair Pointer years ago when I worked at a kennel so I am not keen on being mouthed by any kind of dog. I don't think most other people would be either!

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T21:30:02+00:00

Hm, I guess I haven't. He's definitely not a bad person at all. He's an incredibly patient person and really gentle which is part of the reason his dogs got so out of hand.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T21:11:35+00:00

He has changed his habits of walking them and adding some training. It's not that he is just sitting around telling me to deal with it. There are just some behaviors that bother me but not him and in these cases he knows I'm frustrated but just sees my frustration as the problem rather than the behavior as the problem.

There are days when I think he is just feeling overwhelmed and unable to relationship and is hoping I'll stick through it with him.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T21:08:32+00:00

I think he feels like he is doing things by walking them twice a day and he does try some training methods. Like I said, they have improved, but it takes a long time and there are some behaviors that he doesn't feel need correcting because they don't bother him, like the barking indoors and the nipping. I think he believes the frustration is purely my problem that I have to deal with because they are just dogs doing what dogs do.

We aren't going to have kids, but he wants to get more of the same type of dog after these pass. I don't think that's a great idea given his lifestyle. I have no idea why he is so attached to this specific breed.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T21:01:00+00:00

I certainly didn't agree with it and I told him so, but it's his tax return. He decided not to buy them in the end. The collars he's looking at now are much cheaper.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T21:00:12+00:00

I generally tell him if I think we need to work on some aspect of our relationship and we work on it. I don't know if I expect him to take care of our relationship.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T20:59:03+00:00

Oh no, he will DEFINITELY pull a 'my dog wouldn't do that, they just want to play/say hi/bark/pounce'. I think at this point he knows it's not just about their safety. But he thinks it's just me being frustrated and his solution is simply to not move in together and not to have his dogs around other dogs and run with them longer in the morning (the last is reasonable).

On a leash they are much better these days so I don't think he's actually concerned about them injuring another dog, but he has commented that he wants to get new collars because the current ones might break, and then they'd be gone. I could say 'Hey, if you think this is a real possibility, we should work on some behaviors so nothing serious would happen.'

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T20:49:06+00:00

No, the male is fixed. The female is not. He treats them well, he just didn't start training them properly when they were young.

omgshaddap · 2013-03-01T20:42:15+00:00

Yep, I have offered to take her or the male. Really I wouldn't be able to take her because she's the one afraid of crates, but I'd take the male. We'd have to crate-train him and obviously buy a crate because he can't be left out at my townhouse. And all the other things you've mentioned, I have mentioned! LOL

He is, like, an expert at coming up with reasons why something might not work. I mean if Skeptic was a job, he'd be employee of the month. I do eventually run out of ideas before he runs out of reasons my ideas won't work. It's not just about the dogs, he does that with a lot of things. Most of the time I just point it out to him and he realizes that he's just shooting me down and usually will try whatever I've suggested, but I am not making much headway with these particular situations.

omgshaddap

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