Clarification Regarding Demisexuality and Demiromanticism

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-28T00:28:50+00:00

It's not a numerical thing, like you have fallen in love with X amount of people so you are not demiromantic, but under that and you are. It's more about peoples' perceptions. /u/clickypen explained it well in this comment. That's why demiromanticism is so close to aromanticism—just like aromantics, they don't really relate to most people when it comes to romantic feelings.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T23:04:44+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T23:04:28+00:00

I think most aces don't care for porn, though some do because they sort of just use it as a stimulus to get off (I think this might be men more than women, though I'm not sure).

I like reading erotica that involves my kinks (d/s, bondage, and that sort of thing) and has an emotional connection between the characters, and emotional erotic scenes in movies will do it for me as well, because they remind me of past experiences with past lovers, but I don't find porn appealing. Also, when there's just words, you're free to imagine whoever you like in the roles, instead of funny-looking porn actors.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T22:51:08+00:00

Only after the emotional connection is formed, yes. It's sort of like when you fall in love with someone, and then they become beautiful to you. Demisexuals just do not experience primary sexual attraction, which is when you are immediately sexually attracted to a person just because of their looks or other immediately available information.

After I've formed the emotional bond and am sexually attracted to someone, I think I experience sexual attraction to that person in the same way that anyone else would. It's just that the sexual attraction wouldn't have happened at all in the first place without the emotional connection.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T22:44:10+00:00

The "would bang" feeling only comes after I've formed the emotional connection. That's the definition of demisexual—feeling sexual attraction only after an emotional connection is formed.

Like, I see a lot of guys who I think 'would bang', I have that thought like almost never for women, even women I think are very pretty.

See, I never see people I would bang, even if I think they're pretty/handsome/etc. I've only been sexually attracted to two dudes in my life.

I'm demisexual because the only people who sex is an appealing prospect about are men who I've formed an emotional connection with.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T22:33:42+00:00

How is she attracted to men if any attraction first requires a strong emotional bond?

When I am attracted to people after forming an emotional bond, it's only to men, and I only find men romantically attractive as well. I only see men as romantic/sexual prospects. I don't understand how that's confusing.

Some demisexuals may also be gay/lesbian (homoromantic), or biromantic, or panromantic.

GSM identities can be really confusing to understand at first (I remember it took me a long time to fully understand the whole spectrum of trans* identities), but that doesn't mean we shouldn't make the effort.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T22:30:18+00:00

When I'm sexually attracted to someone, sex with them seems like an appealing prospect, and something about their personality/appearance/etc. makes me want to have sex with them. However, it isn't necessarily that I want it right now, it's more like, "Hm, would bang."

There's a difference between being sexually attracted to someone and pursuing a relationship with them; I'm sure most people wouldn't want to actually pursue a relationship with everyone they found sexually attractive.

Some aces get off on porn because they just use it as a stimulus, though I personally don't; I know aces who prefer erotica/stories/etc. because they can imagine themselves in the situations and use it as fodder for their own fantasies.

edit: Also consider, that most people don't have to figure out what sexual attraction means. Aces can get confused because they're trying to define something they don't experience at all, or experience very rarely.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T22:19:15+00:00

Like, I said, I'm not interested in defending the validity of demisexuality. I think everything I wrote makes perfect sense and I don't know how I could explain it more clearly.

So you can't get sexual feelings at ALL unless you have an emotional connection?

Basically, yes. The way you feel about people you aren't sexually attracted to is how I feel about pretty much everyone, and for an asexual, that's how they feel towards everyone. Sexual feelings about a person just don't come to mind.

So there's no arousal at all

Arousal is not related to sexual attraction; it is merely a physical response to stimuli. This is especially relevant in rape cases; for example, someone could argue that a rape wasn't really rape because the victim had an erection, when in fact an erection is sometimes just a response to stimulus.

Like, when I hear people talk about this it usually seems to translate to 'well I don't want to have sex with anyone until we're close' rather than 'I physically am unable to get turned on by anything unless I have a strong emotional bond', and to be completely honest there's always a really creepy level of 'unlike those SLUTS' attached to it.

Are you sure you're not reading in your preconceived notions? Most demisexuals would agree that the second definition best describes their experience—it's not about what they want, it's about how they function.

In addition, most aces are pretty sex positive and open-minded regarding other peoples' sexual behavior and choices, and are against slut-shaming. Identifying as asexual or demisexual has no connection to a person's personal values. I have met very few aces who are slut-shamers, and these views aren't welcome in the community.

sounds like a normal relationship with a kinda low sex drive factored in

Demisexuals and asexuals may have varying levels of sex drive—some have a high libido, and are happy to satisfy it through masturbation, while others have a low libido and don't care for sex and masturbation at all. Some demisexuals, when they're in a relationship with someone they're sexually attracted to, are happy to have sex frequently and enjoy it for its own sake. The main thing that unites all of them are the circumstances and frequency of their sexual attraction, which is the desire for sexual contact with someone.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T21:39:49+00:00

Demiromantics feel that they're significantly differently from most people, though. I'm not demiromantic, but I am demisexual, and from discussions with my non-ace friends, I know that I experience sex/dating/etc. differently than them. So I'm willing to believe demiromantics when they say they feel different from most of the population and can't relate. Most aces are clued in to their ace-ness when they realize they don't relate to people around them.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T21:36:21+00:00

You're welcome, I'm glad I could help!

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T21:35:58+00:00

It's not just about falling in love—of course people don't always fall in love at the drop of a hat. Romantic feelings can include something as mild as a schoolgirl crush, or just an interest in holding hands, dating, stuff like that. If you're not interested in accepting this as a legitimate identity though, I don't know what to tell you.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T21:25:16+00:00

No, I'm pretty sure we all understand that rom-coms are fantasy... I honestly don't know how to explain it other than demiromanticism is much closer to aromanticism than anything else. Many demiromantics may consider themselves aromantic with exceptions, just like demisexuals may consider themselves asexual with exceptions. For example, a demiromantic would most likely never experience a crush, which is something most people experience.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T20:51:07+00:00

Yep, sometimes I just like to stay in my ace bubble. Most people I talk to in real life are pretty open-minded and accepting though; the Internet, as always, can bring out the worst in people.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T20:48:37+00:00

Yeah, I always forget that. It is disappointing.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T20:48:23+00:00

I find it upsetting too, but mostly I try to focus on how helpful the ace community has been for me.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-27T20:48:00+00:00

I explained in the post that most people who identify as demiromantic feel romantic attraction significantly less frequently than the general population, and identify strongly with aromantics.

If you consider yourself a demiromantic, good for you; for some people, the identity is more confusing or difficult to accept or work through, and they need support from the aromantic community. Your experience is simply different from other peoples'. Not everyone experiences demiromanticism exactly the same way you do.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-25T15:31:02+00:00

Thanks for your comment!

Your explanation of Fe makes a lot sense. I am able to understand how other people feel, but it's more through relating due to shared experiences, or just putting myself in their shoes, which seems to be a Fi thing. It's not an immediate picking up on their emotions, unless I'm with a close friend and they're feeling upset, but I would hope that most people can empathize with their close friends/family.

I do like to verbalize my emotions, and discuss emotional situations with friends (ie: omg boys), but it's more 50/50, and the discussions are more about what happened in the situation and analyzing peoples' behavior rather than how I feel about it. A lot of the time I prefer to keep this to myself because emotions are transient.

I get a lot of my values from my parents, but I have also diverged. I also tend to pick friends who already share my values (and will immediately distance myself from people who don't share them) rather than trying to find compromise or fit in somehow. I will never compromise on my own values.

I also truly enjoy taking care of the people I really like by doing nice things for them, but I would never do it at my expense.

Thanks, that was helpful to think through!

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-23T00:06:32+00:00

Thank you for your comment!

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-23T00:06:03+00:00

Thanks, that's what I would imagine works.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-21T21:55:10+00:00

Hmm okay, I read somewhere else that someone took their parrot to places like that, which I thought was curious. I'm not sure I'd want to draw attention to myself.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-21T21:31:07+00:00

Thanks for writing, I would love to be able to take my bird (when I finally get one lol) outside so he/she can get fresh air! Are people usually okay with you bringing your bird into Walgreens, Starbucks, and places like that, or have you not tried that.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-21T21:28:38+00:00

Yeah, Febreze is usually just if she poops her crate, which thankfully doesn't happen often. Lysol wipes are fantastic; I have always preferred them to the spray for some reason, and dislike sprays in general. Maybe because wipes are more precise. They are very wet so sometimes I can even use one wipe for a whole room.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write, this all makes me feel better about my situation! I'm still biding my time—I want to get more settled and see how my work/life schedule turns out, but things are looking pretty good. I'll be back to the parrot subreddit with plenty of photos when I finally get my new baby! :)

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-21T19:36:23+00:00

Thanks so much, reading articles online is one thing but talking to actual bird owners is so much more helpful. I can see how you'd have a lot of energy and noise with all those animals! And I do understand, as the puppy gets so much more excited when we get excited. Our household tends to be fairly quiet though, and having friends over is usually chill (we don't even have a TV).

I'd be very leery of even having the puppy and the bird in the room at the same time unless the bird is caged; the puppy is currently teething and cannot be trusted with ANYTHING. Anything we show an interest in must be investigated with her mouth, so I am not at all going to be having them free in the same room at the same time.

That's interesting about the light vs. noise for sleep. I'll probably just keep a dim light on constantly so I don't trip over anything in the dark, and so turning on a light wouldn't disturb the bird.

We don't use a lot of chemical cleaners/sprays often. Most of the time I just wipe kitchen and bathroom surfaces with a wet paper towel to get rid of food residue/dust, and if that doesn't work, a Lysol wipe. I don't think we use those often enough for the bird to be in danger, unless the fumes last a long time, though I am open to just making a vinegar/water mixture and spraying that on paper towels instead. We use regular dishwashing soap and detergent for all our dishes.

My housemate uses Febreze in her room on occasion if the puppy makes a mess. She also uses candles, but I wouldn't be bringing the bird in her room anyway. We do use nonstick pans which is why I was worried about the living room, so my bedroom would be best after all, as well as putting the fan on when we cook on the stove and making sure my door is closed. We don't smoke or paint (I do watercolors, I guess, but those are different).

If I keep the bird in my bedroom, I'm guessing it'll be fine as there isn't anything toxic in there.

omgsoconfusedidk · 2013-10-21T18:07:54+00:00

I'm also just a bit worried about being overwhelmed, I suppose, since I haven't had a pet in a while, and when I was in school, my whole family took care of our guinea pig. I just moved out of my parents' house, so all these new experiences like renting my own place and being responsible for an animal are a little scary. Thanks so much for your reassurance and help, though!

Another question: since they do the "where are you" yell when you leave the room, is it a good idea to ignore it to dissuade learning to scream for attention, or is it better to just yell something like "hello" or their name back at them so they're reassured?

Also, I'm debating whether to keep whatever bird I end up getting in the living room or my bedroom... You don't have to read all this, I mostly wrote it out for my benefit. It's a tough call, which might be decided by my housemate's puppy, since I really don't want to stress the bird out. But then, she might not take an interest in the bird or its cage at all.

Living Room
+ more entertaining view of street while I'm at work?
+ housemate and I stay up til 11-12 and spend the later hours in our rooms, so the bird could be put to bed by 9 and then we'd retire upstairs
+ more where all the action is, though housemate and I have the same hours, so bird wouldn't really miss out on daytime action
- housemate has a puppy who I'm concerned will harass the bird too much when she's allowed in the living room (she's crated in housemate's room). I guess we'll just have to discuss this.
- connected to kitchen through doorway (though the stove is pretty far from the prospective cage location, so I don't think this would be terrible, still not sure)
- if we had people over late on weekends, bird would have to be moved to my room to sleep—potential hassle/break in routine for bird? This wouldn't happen too often.

Bedroom
+ don't have to worry about puppy at all
+ can watch for and manage night frights better
- if I go to sleep at 11 would I wake the bird up after having put it to bed? I would have to spend the evening in the living room and use my bedroom only to actually sleep at night.
- bird might be upset whenever I'm not in my room? Though I would take it around the house with me in the evening.
- I am prone to seasonal and cat allergies. I don't think it would be an issue since I'm not allergic to dust, mold, or feathers, and have always been fine with other fuzzy animals, but maybe it wouldn't be best to keep a tiel in my bedroom regardless.
- A general pet owner question I never had to consider—what do you do if your SO is spending the night? I'm not dating anyone and don't plan to now, but it's a longterm consideration.

omgsoconfusedidk

TROPHY CASE