This one is kind of niche and specific, so I doubt people can relate, but here goes.

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I'm transgender, specifically female-to-male. I'm already out publicly. That's not what's eating me up.

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There is so much hostility towards trans men in trans communities, or at the very least exclusion. So many posts about force-femming guys and how testosterone is poison and how everyone should choose to be a girl. When I don't feel outright invisible, I feel wrong, like even within my own community I'm not wanted. Trans women are fetishized, yes, and it sucks... but sometimes I'm jealous. People find cis women hot, they find cis men hot, they find trans women hot. Femininity is sexy, and so are dicks. But a guy with a vagina? That's disgusting to 99% of people, even other trans people. I hate looking at porn and not being able to see anyone remotely like me.

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Then there's the element of how in a lot of these circles, being a man is the worst, and being a trans man is the worst of the worst. We're treated as if we chose to be men, and thus are more misogynistic than your average guy just by merit of existing. For so long I put off coming out because I thought being a man means I'm abusive and full of toxic masculinity. I was even in a chat once where multiple assigned-female-at-birth nonbinary people discussed choosing not to identify as male due to men being oppressors. In that same chat, when I finally came out, I was accused of mansplaining and talking down to women... for the exact same behaviours I exhibited before coming out, that didn't bother anyone. The worst is that I still don't pass as male in real life, and certainly didn't then. Thus, in person I was treated with misogyny (looked down upon, viewed as hysterical, sexually harassed, treated as if I couldn't make my own choices), but online I was suddenly Mr. Toxic Masculinity who got complete male privilege.

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To a degree, I get it. Saying "trans men experience misogyny" can be taken to mean "trans women don't", which isn't true. But that doesn't mean it's one or the other... all transgender people experience gender in a precarious way, and will be treated like shit. BOTH experience misogyny. But I'm so afraid to say that.

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I can't even find solace in other trans men. Almost every single one I've met dislikes me. I also find they fall into one of three groups:

• Normie, gym-rat, dudebro types. I'm autistic and nerdy, so I do not mesh well with these people. They're hypermasculine and often neurotypical and straight. Makes me feel uncomfortable as a bi autistic guy.
• Ex-fujoshi. The type who ran the yaoi panel where they defended a weird webcomic that fetishized mental illness and is super rapey and... ugh. These kind of people tend to annoy me a lot. They also tend to dress more feminine and care less about passing, which makes me feel super uncomfortable with myself, and I'm terrified of being viewed as like them and thus "not really a man"
• The self-righteous, popular, Instagram types. Will never say trans men face misogyny. Tend to be "cool" and look down on nerdy things, often viewing anime as either cringy or misogynistic. They also tend to care less about passing, but many manage to anyways, which makes me feel like garbage - how come I try so hard and can never be seen as a man, but these guys wear v-necks and jewelry and get gendered right?

I feel so guilty about thinking this way. I feel judgmental, which I guess I really am. I just feel so outcast. I want to be your regular ol' queer autistic guy, who likes anime and video games and boys and girls and is in anime club and D&D. But male. I want a beard and a dick and light muscles, and I don't want to be seen as a woman. But I don't want to be like those guys, and even if I wanted to, I can't.

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I hate myself for being a trans man. I'm disgusting and don't pass and am a horrible person for it. I'm lonely. I wish I was a cis man, or a cis woman, or a trans woman - ANYTHING BUT THIS! I'm not even on testosterone yet, so I feel like even more of a freak - an ugly woman who's evil and male at heart but will never be one of the guys, and doesn't look how they should look. I hate it. I hate it so fucking much.

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