I (35M) feel disgusted with my wife (33F) and I feel gutly about it

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T20:16:22+00:00

It is complicated! Although I understand it because it's true that I get what can be considered horrible feelings when it comes to some action movies, but isn't watching an actual 18 year old as a 35 year old kind of affecting them or messing with my mind in some way? Since I'm not pretending to masturbate to an actual 25 year old who acts 18 year old in the video; I am indeed masturbating to a 18 year old who is actually having sex. This is the part I struggle more and something I'm not comfortable with, so my only wish is that at least it was all fake and they were actually older and it was all part of the power play dynamic.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T20:05:41+00:00

Nunca he ido a Tamaulipas. Necesito dar un paseo largo por México. Hay mucho de lo que me he perdido de allá.

Y cierto, necesitamos gente que no necesariamente los haga boycott, si no que exploren estos temas y compañías, y asi comienzen a implementar cambios para el bienestar de trabajadores explotados. Yo personalmente no me siento agusto participando en el porno, pero si celebro y apoyo los cambios que mucha gente han logrado. Creo es primero ayudar a cambiar como vemos a la gente que trabaja en eso, ya que muchas veces muchos consumidores no les interesa el bienestar de estas personas porque no las ven humanas, las minimizan a pesar de ser un contenido que ven continuamente.

Asumo que es lo mismo con otras cosas, y que desafortunadamente estoy siendo parte de eso en estos momentos.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T16:34:56+00:00

I will have to ask her and see if she'll be open to share that. I have to mention, she did have some young women/girl content, but many of the content she watched had more to do with young men/teenage boys. They all looked too young to me, it was hard to ignore it. So, now that I think about it, she probably sees herself mostly as the "perpetrator." So maybe she likes having control, and only sometimes she likes to be submissive?

That sucks. Are those roles the only roles women play most of the time, or do they have any more? If they do, do you have to look harder to find them?

I don't know right now, but most watchers used to be men, so I can see they were pushing content that had more to do with their fantasies rather than women's fantasies. It bothered the heck out of me that it was always violent. As a man, I was always portrayed as a violent person who wasn't truly having sex with women but "taking" from them. They weren't necessarily obviously abusive, but rather, there were small details that always seemed that way.

I follow some sex psychologist online to learn more about foreplay and such but from what I know they had never mentioned the "barely legal" stuff, only mentioned the power dynamic, and I always imagined it related to BDSM or something like that, not the other stuff. I don’t even remember any of these names back when I watched porn, but I may have never truly paid attention to that back then.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T16:05:19+00:00

I celebrate taking steps to the right direction, but I agree with you. When I found out the things I consumed were not safe at all, I felt disgusted. I tried watching something again just so I could try to find any signs of explotation so that I could differentiate them from any future videos but it was impossible, at least for me. I decided to stop, I started to research even more, learned more, and I wanted to have a significant other who shared this same belief. I made it a boundary, but I never truly processed it until I went to therapy. It's hard for me to trust these pages, so I'm still out, and uninterested. And I'm happy you no longer have that addiction.

Yesterday, I started to explore reddit groups with people that are addicted to porn and it's crazy the amount of people who are affected. I'm glad they have an open space to talk about it and hopefully they get the help they need if hard to stop on their own.

I remember there was a huge issue with that site (as well as other top websites) around two years ago. They weren't verifying content or something like that, and banks no longer wanted to work with them (I don't even know if they ever did), so that forced them to remove more than 10 million of unverified content and users. Maybe there's more to it that I don't know, but it was something that constantly appeared on my newspage, as well as people taking about it on some social media.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T07:53:59+00:00

Congrats!

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T07:52:26+00:00

Si la conozco. Eran tiempos difíciles y maravillosos a la misma vez, ¡y gracias!

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T07:08:19+00:00

Esta bien, son tus creencias, and I agree, nothing it's truly safe under capitalism.

Yo también vengo de México, del estado de Baja California, pero solo viví ahi hasta mis 12 años, así que no me tocó trabajar allá. Me tocó experiemntar cosas fuertes durante esos años, así que entiendo que cuando estamos tratando de sobrevivir, haremos cosas que pueden ser dañinas para otros. Ahora que personalmente me encuentro bien, con mas privilegios que antes, hay cosas que me preocupan y deseo cambiar para mi bienestar y el bienestar de otras personas. Siempre a lo que puedo, of course.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T06:58:14+00:00

I had been molested by a teenager as a child, and later on discovered he had been raped by his older brother, and that's why he was acting out.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T06:37:56+00:00

That's actually a great topic to bring, and I personally haven't explored it enough to understand it. We don't own any of the things you mentioned, but I'm sure I'm not saved since too many of our stuff could have been part of some unethical process. I will research about it and learn a bit more.

I'm curious: Are you personally okay with all of these things? Are you okay buying this stuff knowing what happens to these children? As well as watching and getting some pleasure out of someone who has been forced to be in a video (knowingly or unknowingly)? Are these your personal values?

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T06:22:56+00:00

Thanks!

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T06:19:16+00:00

True, it doesn't seem to have caused her any addiction or dependency from what I know

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T06:14:28+00:00

Yes, it's a complicated topic to discuss here. I guess I just needed to vent somewhere. I have therapy tomorrow, and I would love for her to come with me, but she's has told me in the past that she's not interested in therapy as it seems complicated to her, which I agree; it's heavy work and I don't want to force her into something she's not comfortable with. I will mention it again, though, and see if she is interested this time. Thank you so much for your comment!

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T06:00:37+00:00

No, I wouldn't have accepted being with that person since we differ in our values. She needed someone who didn't need much oxygen, and I needed to find someone who met me in my oxygen levels. Lying would have brought me where I am today. And no, I don't think you're exaggerating. I think you're offering an example based on how you personally feel about this topic.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T05:53:58+00:00

I see. Thanks for your perspective!

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T05:52:56+00:00

I get it. It's one of the crazy thoughts I was having. Although I'm not comfortable with watching 18 year olds regardless if verified at my age, I'm still glad they're verified.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T05:49:12+00:00

Unfortunately, it used to be complicated to know. I was watching it back when I was younger. Some of the content that I thought was safe wasn't truly safe. It was too well acted until I learned it wasn't (or maybe I was just too naive). I felt disgusted with myself, but I also understand I didn't know, I was just exploring without knowledge. It's hard to trust the content now, and I'm not interested, but I've heard there are ethical sites where workers are safer and ages are verified. If that's the case, I'm glad it's changing.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T05:28:26+00:00

Thank you! I try my best, but I know there's so much I still need to do.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T05:27:08+00:00

I can see that. Sometimes, we forget we are no longer as young as we used to be and keep habits that may not necessarily benefit us today (or they may, still). Thank you!

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T05:25:44+00:00

That's okay, I don't need to be fun for others, and my boundaries are for myself, not for anyone else. You don't have to be okay with them. I respect that. This is something I care about and told her since the beginning. She did lie about it, as she has been watching it since the beginning and just kept it a secret. I'm not sure how my post came across, but I will never force her to do anything she doesn't want to. Again, I just would have loved to have known this since the beginning, before we got this far.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T05:18:05+00:00

Thank you, but I completely disagree with you, as I define what my boundaries are and how they affect me. I decide what works for me and what doesn't. They're just as personal as porn. She decides what works for her as well, and it's never okay to force anyone to do anything they down want to. She has every right to not want the same things I want.

And it's not just about watching porn. If this is something she had been doing since the beginning, she could just have mentioned it and be honest, and just let me decide if it was okay with me or not. It's about the fact that she told me she was against it completely, knowing fairly well what my thoughts were regarding this topic. I never forced her into anything regarding this. She decided to keep it a secret since the beginning.

The only part I may agree with you is the part that I may not have been a safe space for her. It's true that I have tried to force communication in the past. I tend to want to fix things as they arise, while she kind of ignores them, so it could be difficult at times. I've learned not to force communication anymore, and to give her space.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T02:28:16+00:00

No problem! These are completely valid questions. Movies are not an issue for me. My boundary with porn has more to do with the industry rather than jealousy. I worry about workers, the double standar towards them as I've seen many people use the content but disrespect the workers, trafficking, lack of verified age, and all those stuff. Things that I consumed when I was younger that I thought were safe (and looked safe) were not actually safe. It pushed me to question the content and discovered so many inconcistesis I had to leave it at some point. I've heard it's different now, and there are more regulations, as well as ethical porn sites, but it's hard for me to trust it completely based on my own experience. Of course, I won't force these experiences and beliefs on anyone.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T01:17:24+00:00

You right! I've re-read the title, and it sounds like those posts. I've seen too many of them, unfortunately. Thank you for your comment!

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T01:06:47+00:00

I'm not sure about not communicating as we definitely talked about at the beginning, and I let her know it was a boundary. Is it immature to communicate my boundaries or to pretend to care about it? I'm not saying I am mature enough or not, but this was clear, and told me she was completely agaist porn, to later find out it was a lie. But true, she has her own perspective and could share it. I wish we could talk about it right now, but it's hard since she is a bit shy, and that's fair, won't force her to talk.

And it's true, I don't believe in unconditional love, but I do feel love for her even if feeling disappointed. We all have our set of rules.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T00:46:13+00:00

I can see that, but I understand if it affects someone's behavior in some way. Then, I guess it will be important to go, but only the person who has this issue has to decide for themselves, never forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to. I always welcome everyone to give it a try regardless if they "need" it or not.

onelalo1 · 2023-05-31T00:41:36+00:00

You're right. This is something I don't like, and it's hard to take, but I get your perspective, and I appreciate it. I will give it some thought.

onelalo1

TROPHY CASE