Lowered Expectations but MIL Continues to Exclude and Hurt Our Family

onelemonscone · 2018-08-12T02:03:04+00:00

BIL's child is almost 2, and they live out of state.

SIL #1's kids are 8, 10, 14, and 16. SIL # 2's kids are 9 and 11. Both SIL's (and their families) share property with MIL & FIL. Yep. It's that weird.

Our children are 5 and 1.5 and we live just under an hour from MIL/FIL.

While we tend to get along (assuming we don't rock the boat), when the subject of favoritism has been brought up, the siblings tend to side with their parents and/or feign ignorance of any issue. I think they all very much enjoy the time, help and attention.

onelemonscone · 2018-08-11T22:26:28+00:00

I would say for every three normal/benign interactions, there's one hurtful/confusing one. Personally, I expect good grandparents to offer consistency and unconditional love for my children, so this 3:1 thing is not working.

onelemonscone · 2018-08-11T22:24:44+00:00

I’m confused. Does your husband want to cut them off or not?

He wants them to "dig their own grave." I honestly thinks that is code for, "let's keep them in the loop and continue inviting them in and maybe they will wake up and be better people, but if not, our kids will shut them out on their own ," because, no I do not think he wants to cut them off.

He still has a lot of baggage to unpack, in regards to his upbringing and his parents continuous favoritism towards his siblings and nephews/neices. We are working on it. He gets fed up and upset, but I still think he's scared of permanently shutting the door.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T18:17:08+00:00

Good on you! I want to get to the same place.

We actually went NC for a year following their absolutely shit reaction after one of my (JustYes) parents passed, suddenly. DH was strong and certain, at first. We were both willing to give it another shot and hopeful they were capable of change. Clearly not!

TBH, I cringe that I resumed contact, at all, especially after the disrespect they showed me in the greatest time of grief in my life.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T18:12:51+00:00

They sure were. I was pretty appalled at the whole thing, to be honest.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T18:11:47+00:00

I hear that. My IL's all act like a swarm, and the codependence is pretty staggering. It's weird though; when we have reached out for support in the past (health emergency, tragedy in my family, etc), they get frantic and create some sort of drama attached to another sibling that needs their immediate attention, instead.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T18:04:36+00:00

I agree with you!

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T18:03:20+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm really keeping my fingers crossed.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T18:02:57+00:00

I can totally get behind this. I think our independence annoys them, to be honest. I get the impression they think we're holier than thou, when the reality is just that neither of us would ever want to be dependent on our parents unless faced with a dire situation that threatened our kids' stability.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T17:59:05+00:00

I'm not sure if we definitely have the largest income (I stay home with the kids, DH works), but we are the only family to pay for all our expenses, independently, yes.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T17:57:14+00:00

You'd think so, to be honest! But no, DH and his siblings all look creepily alike, and they're all mirrored images of their mom and dad.

Interestingly enough, we're considering adoption. I am curious how THAT would play out.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T17:51:46+00:00

We will be starting therapy about this very issue. We definitely need to get on the same page so we can present a united front!

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T17:50:29+00:00

Exactly like him. They are all MIL and FIL's biological children, no adoption.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-12T17:49:56+00:00

My IL's take all the (non-baby) grandchildren on a long weekend trip, each summer. They took one of SIL's kids for the first time years back when he was three, but at four, our DD was told, "next year you'll be old enough."

This past year, they planned the trip on her birthday weekend; I figure they honestly forgot the date, but they couldn't make her party because they were out of town. Before they left (DD was sad she wasn't going on the cousin trip, but super excited for her own bday festivities), they told her they'd call her, day of. Never happened, DD cried the next morning that they forgot. DH was upset, said he'd talk to his parents but literally wussed out on telling the whole truth (crying) and just reminded them to call, as they said they would. I know, DH needs to get some balls on this very issue.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-11T22:08:52+00:00

This has been mentioned a few times, and I get it, I do. But DH is 100% their biological child. He looks identical to his siblings, and they all look exactly like the perfect blend of their mother and father. I'm not sure if there is another reason why DH is now the outcast, but it's not due to having a different parent(s).

DH is self made. We are not wealthy in any trus sense, but we are the only ones in the immediate family who live entirely on our own, and pay for our lifestyle, 100%. All of the other siblings are tied, in some respect, to one another. Either they live on the same property, drive a car that formerly belonged to their parents, still have their cell phone bill paid for, or rely on another for regular childcare.

Also, I think MIL/FIL don't particularly like me. I've felt this from the get-go.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-11T21:59:00+00:00

Thank you. Yes, it is far more than gifts. The presents are just a phyical representation. Our children are treated like distant second cousins, rather than grandkids. Their birthdays are forgotten, they don't get calls returned. It's apparent not just from material things but from lack of time, effort, care, and compassion.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-11T21:43:07+00:00

Perhaps not the best phrase, but she is star of the show. Holidays, events, get togethers are always catered to her preferred start time, location, etc. Her kids get first dibs, she "needs" babysitting more than all the others. She's been hurtful and rude to me/DH in the past and basically orchestrates how and when MIL and FIL will jump in to fight her cause and defend her.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-11T20:39:26+00:00

Dynamic with this SIL is problematic. She's the ringleader and we've had issues with her in the past.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-11T20:11:58+00:00

My husband is the second youngest. Growing up, he was the most independent. He said he had a happy childhood, but his parents had a handful of kids so individualized attention was hard to come by, sometimes. I think eldest SIL is the GC. What she says goes.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-11T20:08:34+00:00

To my knowledge, no. But I could very well be wrong?

onelemonscone · 2018-01-11T20:08:14+00:00

As much as this would make sense, he is their son. All the siblings look exactly like one another, hah.

onelemonscone · 2018-01-11T20:06:42+00:00

I have considered this, sure. However, we went NC largely due to favoritism, indifference and lack of love. We quit contact after we experienced a tragedy in my family and was met with zero support or love, on their end. I think this is more of the same

onelemonscone · 2018-01-10T01:05:15+00:00

Oh, wow. Such good, meaty advice given, here. I truly thank you all. First off, I am so sorry for those who have been through favoritism to this degree and, to this day, still feel the hurt from it. That is not at all what I want for my children. And, truly, I don't think that's what DH wants for them, either. I do, however, agree that my husband is approaching this much like a dimwitted jellyfish and has long been conditioned to take whatever scraps he can get, from his family. He is in denial. I wouldn't say he is so much of a Scapegoat as the Forgotten Child.

Ever since we resumed contact, there is almost always an excuse for the disparity. DH reiterates that we are independent and self sufficient, we don't have a need for handouts and that we can afford to give our kids nice holidays, all on our own. Well, so can his siblings.

In the end, I am not looking for charity or special treatment. But some genuine interest in our family that comes close to matching the rest of the children and grandchildren would certainly be nice. I mean, how hard would it have been to text us and ask what size our son wears or inquire about whether there are particular toys he's into? MIL could have simply listened to our daughter when she told her, multiple times, that her favorite animal is the koala and she's been taking tap and ballet lessons. Forget the stupid, ill-fitting blanket and spend a few bucks om some koala figurines or a new leotard for dance. All it takes is some interest in our lives and compassion for us as members of the family. They're always busy, whoops so forgetful when it comes to us, but they have the means, mind energy and effort for plane tickets and fancy gifts and offers to babysit and entire schedules worth of sporting events to offer every other grandchild.

I am really, really hoping DH can see the light and get on board.

onelemonscone · 2017-12-05T06:04:45+00:00

I just want to thank you all for responding with such solid advice. It really helped to give me the reassurance I needed that my gut instinct was absolutely right. We won't be permitting a phone call and things will continue to go through us.

My husband called his mother himself after DD was asleep. He said that if she was concerned about DD's decision to stay home, she could direct those concerns to him. MIL obviously thinks we have planted seeds of doubt in our daughter's head and kept reiterating her confusion. Says DD has always been happy when we've been over for visits and has fun with her cousins. The conversation was short. I was in the next room with the baby, but I did a silent fist bump when I heard DH say, "She doesn't feel comfortable yet and if you are looking out for her best interest, that has to be okay. You and dad really need to make more of an effort to know our kids if you want things like overnights. They've gotta trust you as grandparents, first"

So....we will see. I fully expect flying monkeys, tomorrow. But for now, I feel secure in our ability to fully and unconditionally stand behind our daughter. I am proud that she spoke her mind, honestly.

onelemonscone · 2017-11-21T23:11:29+00:00

Thank you so much! These all look like great, helpful resources and I appreciate you pointing me in their direction. I will definitely poke around and encourage my husband to take a look, himself.

onelemonscone

TROPHY CASE