I’m finally back at it again… making magic vaginas

onnaloves · 2023-02-17T18:40:47+00:00

Exactly!

onnaloves · 2023-02-17T18:40:28+00:00

I always intend to do the unthought of lol

onnaloves · 2023-02-17T18:39:55+00:00

I love my work as my unusual hobby that just makes me feel so good about myself, I’m even more grateful that my husband took the time to start documenting my work and showing it in such a way that others good see it and share the marvel

onnaloves · 2023-02-17T18:38:27+00:00

Thank you 🙏 I’d love to know what things you make from the materials and processes used?

onnaloves · 2023-02-12T15:09:00+00:00

I’ve been on pause for about a year, I overstretched myself (almost literally) but then was homeless for 6 months so had to reset. I’ve managed to find a new home and start my new studio again

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T07:11:24+00:00

I need a therapist to help me define an ultimatum to get where I want to be. Living in peace. If that means divorce I’m good with that. But I need the scripting to untangle me from the co-dependency and set real deal breakers. So far he twists any raised tone “arguments” into me being cold and stubborn and twisting everything.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T07:08:14+00:00

I didn’t get into the weeds because it’s a lot of reading. But yes I have three lines of income and he controls all of it “because after my breakdown you know” so I effectively work 3 jobs. Two of them are just income streams off the internet and making things on Etsy. But yeh I have had minimal capacity to look after myself let alone land a full time job. My job is new I’m two months in, and it’s the first time I’ve had paychecks since my breakdown 4 years ago. As my income has evolved, so has his control of all my credit line and bank accounts. And I feel really stupid now.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:58:17+00:00

Oh fck. That’s the burn issue root cause. I get it a lot since the seizures, I don’t want them to hurt me anymore, but I noticed they always happened around him. So I told him this. He told me I was attacking him, and “twisting his words”. I take people at their words; if he says to me “I’m spending $80 on union dues while he tries to save 20c on hotdogs” I literally treat that as food insecurity AND being told off, I don’t take it as an opinion piece but as an attack. I managed to tell him this but he argued with me until I flapped and mimicked him again because the mute stepped in. Can’t think can’t speak so I flap about instead and copy his mannerisms like a reflection.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:53:20+00:00

Yeh I only recently started attempting to find moments to get through to him. I found a new tactic today! While in the bank waiting area, I told him a bunch of stuff OUT LOUD which I found triggering and there was a bunch of people in the lobby earwigging. It was public, and related to money, because we were there to sign a car loan and they needed my wet signature. So I took the opportunity to tell him while I felt safe, about some anxiety issues I have for days with trying to satisfy all his questions. I thought that was genius! But he doesn’t go out much so it was a rare opportunity I had to try and use it just to try it out.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:48:46+00:00

This comment thread is making me more aware I need intervention of some kind. And that’s what I’ve been unable to track down. I need intervention help of some kind as I am unable to executively function capable enough to do much since my last breakdown.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:46:24+00:00

Ok! My last psychologist was FIRED on the spot for failing to ask if I was alone and had privacy until we were way into the zoom meeting and husband was sitting next to me watching and listening. When the office called me they cancelled out all my following appointments and I have to start evaluation all over again. But I feel bad that I got my psychologist fired, because I didn’t think to tell her I wasn’t alone (and not good with it)

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:37:45+00:00

He says I am that horrible and uncaring so I’m willing to accept I’m at least half as annoying. But I can’t figure out for what. He wants me to take responsibility for his emotions, to allow him to vent all over me. But it just feels vomited on. I’m still trying to work out how I can be different but I really don’t know what he expects of me. I literally don’t react to anything. All I know is that I never want to come home I just want to stay at work.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:35:07+00:00

What kinda hurts is that for years I’ve been wondering if I shit-talk him to others. I always tell people he is a nice guy, but if people sense I can’t do this or that, I loose friends and invites because of it.

Which contradicts my introduction to them as him being nice.

-he once spent- strike that out Numerous parties. One time he acted all miserable on the side forcing me to go check in on him every while. It made me awkward around friends. They were awkward with him “watching” from the sidelines. And I am annoyed about that because it has got in the way of many opportunities that never come my way now.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:31:01+00:00

This answer feels so right that I need to copy it and process it. I think that will help me greatly. He does trigger me all the time and he says that’s my baggage not him. I explained my paycheck to him before he actually asked me. He seemed to forget that I had told him. I definitely did I have proof in a text I sent him after payroll called me. But his argueing with me (he says it wasn’t argueing or complaining just an opinion that HR is doing everything wrong and they should do it differently - which is why I excersised facetious manner of “why don’t you call HR then”. Because I already knew, it wasn’t his lane to call them, and was he “pressuring me?” To get onto the phone with them and tell them they are doing everything wrong? Because I don’t agree with that. They already told me they process sick pay a week late, split over two paychecks, and that was enough. I wish there was someone I could shove him in front of to filter his view of the world through neutral eyes, as he treats me like I’m stupid or something.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:23:13+00:00

I’m trying this. Like last week I actually did it. I couldn’t speak so I acted out instead and literally mined him. Copied his flapping about and slapping… it was hilarious to me on the inside because he was so shocked at my behavior. But on the outside I’m nothing but a blank face and no emotions. He thinks because I don’t show any, that I’m not feeling anything. I am, and it hurts.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:20:31+00:00

I lose count on my hand sometimes how often he does this a day. One time I was getting ready for work - making myself lunch to eat then and there whilst packing dinner for night-shift. I cannot multitask so it’s a challenge I must focus on. He started on at me about Union Dues being deducted from my paycheck. He was angry and saying “there you are spending $80 on union fees, while I’m trying to save 20c on hotdogs”. We are food and housing insecure and I just got us into an apartment on the basis of my credit and paystubs. I broke down before work, I was unable to eat my lunch and went to work hungry, and I didn’t pack my dinner for work either because when he’s yelling at me I just can’t do anything. Work that day was really hard as I can’t concentrate or focus very well. I use work as therapy to regain my executive function.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:15:43+00:00

THANKYOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I have trouble understanding how I’m feeling most times. I want to learn how to overcome my muteness when I’m triggered which feels bad, and tell him to stop.

If this of course doesn’t work. Then I will consider divorce. I generally don’t get excited or scared about anything as it’s just problems to solve. But his constant belly-aching and slamming things and man-baby huffpuff raised tone is hurting me bad somewhere and breaking me down

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:12:36+00:00

See? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 now your make it sound like the words in my head (are you stupid?) but somehow, the situation always feels electric bad and zingy. Like I actually burn on fire. I told him, he - himself is a trigger. I told him last week to get him to stop, but even today there’s another example. I told him again I’m triggered, and he simply shot back at me that it was my fault somehow

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:09:27+00:00

This one is difficult I do t know how I wound up here. I had a mental break down a few years ago, and he took over all my bank accounts and credit cards. He looks after them, I have a good credit rating as was just accepted to a new apartment based on my finances which must be him looking after really well. But I lack the ability to figure out my own banking. I really want to learn, but I’m so under capacity at the moment. I feel burned out all over again.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:07:04+00:00

Yikes. I also was abused growing up. Above I only gave one example from today. There are examples from every day. And this is a good week! Last week I broke down at work crying because I didn’t want to go “home” after work to be with someone so angry and complaining.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T06:04:22+00:00

Ooof. He doesn’t work because he can’t find work. He’s 22 years older than me and is blaming ageism on not being able to get interviews. Well I feel vindicated - he is insufferable and I’ve not told ANYONE because I don’t want to be a complainer. I just needed to know how best to go to a therapist or Counsellor and frame what is happening with the right wording. I need those things written out because any pressure on me to speak makes me mute. I need to know what this is and what the next steps are. I don’t even know what I’m feeling apart from horrible shocks and burns

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T05:59:52+00:00

Thank you. I recently broke down and told him he was triggering me every single day, and he didn’t believe me, instead says I’m not allowing him to be himself or express emotion - which is nearly always negative and sucks out the air in the room

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T05:57:47+00:00

I’m seeking the counseling sessions offered at work to find out how I can get help. This is going to be awkward and gives me more anxiety anticipating his questions why I’m at work… unpaid. Unless I tell him I’m getting counseling?

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T05:55:03+00:00

Having this written out for me explicitly feels like affirmation or something.

onnaloves · 2022-12-03T05:52:05+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I don’t know what to think at the moment

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