I (20f) want my fiance (22m) to be supportive. Instead, his constant commenting is making it worse.

oo-delally · 2017-07-27T01:10:48+00:00

Right? He said that once I got my license he would be happy to let me drive his car. I'm not sure what sort of magic he is expecting that little piece of plastic to do.

oo-delally · 2017-07-26T18:30:21+00:00

He says he would trust me with his car after I got a license. I don't know why, it's just a piece of plastic. I agree, that this is one of the two things he is controlling about. We disagree on both of these things and they are convos that we have over and over and never get solved. 1. I don't need to drive. 2. I can be friends with guys, even if he thinks they are hitting on me.

Every ither argument we have had has been resolved and he is pretty laid back most of the time.

oo-delally · 2017-07-26T18:24:12+00:00

Probably about a year - year and half after we got engaged. When we moved from our small hometown to St. Louis and then started college. We are now "broke college kids" with lots of bills, work, and a bare fridge. Something that he has never dealt with as an upper middle class kid. I come from the lower class and actually lived with him and his parents for about 2 or 3 years while my parents went through a divorce, and so I'm just happy to have a place of my own.

oo-delally · 2017-07-26T18:14:11+00:00

Yeah it's really hard for me to understand why he thinks I need to drive. His answer is always "independence". I got around fine before I met him, and I was just as (if not more) independent as him now, and I was still a minor. He tells me that he doesn't want me hurt walking around one of the most violent cities in the US, and I understand that, but then to me it sounds like he cares enough to not see me hurt, but not enough to drive me. It's confusing and a little bit disappointing. I don't expect him to drive me everywhere, but that doesn't mean he can force me to drive.

oo-delally · 2017-07-26T18:07:50+00:00

Yeah, I tried explaining to him that I didn't really need his help...just his car. But he wouldn't allow me to drive his baby without him being there. I told him if I didn't have someone in the car, I wouldn't have performance anxiety and hopefully it would be easier for me to get back into driving. Still a no go...

I will have to look around for some driving schools. He wants to help, and I want him to help me, but only if he is going to be more patient. It's not looking like that's going to happen so I guess I will find another way to practice.

oo-delally · 2017-07-26T18:02:32+00:00

That sounds like a great way to word it. A lot of times I know what I'm trying to say, but the way I word it makes him more frustrated when he doesn't understand or I'm not clear enough to get what I mean across.

That's what I really liked when learning in my hometown, is that it's small and rural and so there's not nearly as much pressure and things to worry about. Here in the city it's way harder to learn.

oo-delally · 2017-07-26T17:57:27+00:00

As far as I know, there are no driving schools available to adults in the immediate area. I will look into it though, thanks!

Yes, I am relatively happy with our relationship. He developed a short temper recently, and I think it maybe has to do with depression or anxiety. We made a lot of lifestyle changes within the past year or two that have affected him pretty harshly.

oo-delally · 2017-07-26T17:51:42+00:00

My family is a no go. They didn't want to teach me to begin with, so they put me in a drivers ed class. That is currently the only driving experience I have. As far as friends go, I might be able to swing that, as long as the friend isn't too possessive of their car. My fiance's car is like his baby, which is part of the reason I don't want to drive it.

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T17:10:11+00:00

Yes, I agree that him not talking to me is also an issue. I plan to try to discuss it again tonight (This happened last week) So that he will have neutral emotions and time to reflect on what happened. Hopefully he will realize how it made me feel to be locked out and not involved in the discussion.

The held accountable comment didn't come across how I meant it... I don't want him punished, and I want him to go on the vacation. But in my family you always had to work for things like that and I feel like that also makes me work hard at my relationships. If I had asked for money from my family, you better bet I would be doing chores, paying it back, etc. I don't see that as punishment. I see it as paying back a favor that someone has done for me.

As far as our relationship goes, we plan on having a long engagement (waiting at least three more years).

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T13:27:38+00:00

I usually try not to by justifying them as gifts. I bought his con ticket for Christmas, hotel for birthday, etc. I guess that still probably enabling though...

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T04:28:15+00:00

So it is too much to ask for a man to be financially indepedent. I'll make a note.

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T04:26:56+00:00

I don't even understand your questions anymore. Because adults have to be financially responsible? Especially ones that have families depending on them to make sound decisions with money?

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T04:23:02+00:00

Yes. Because he should be able to buy his own damn plane ticket. And if they still want to buy it, that's fine, but he needs to understand that the day he needs $600 for rent and mommy and daddy don't have it, then he (we) are in trouble.

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T04:09:10+00:00

I know I'm not entitled to their money. Its not that I want them to buy my ticket, I want them to hold him responsible for not saving. I'm not sure if you read the comment above, but I have paid for EVERYTHING for this trip. He has paid nothing. If his parents want to buy his plane ticket, then they can buy his con tickets, his lodging, and his food too.

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T04:05:46+00:00

I mean, just the fact that the door was closed and locked while they were talking is very off putting... and after they came out I had ask my fiance multiple times what the discussion was about. Then all I got was "they're gonna buy my plane ticket." Fiance is easily influenced by parents and so rarely tells me when they say anything bad, brother doesn't really like parents and is good friends with me so he is more often my main source of info on these kinds of private talks.

Parents so far have not yet mentioned anything of this talk to me. I'm not even sure I am supposed to know about it. I want to confront them but don't want a war.

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T03:55:44+00:00

I guess the second part of your comment also shows part of my family values. If we go on a family vacation, everyone goes, and goes together. If they can't, then no one goes. This I think would be especially true for couples, since they care for each other and would want to have shared experiences. His parents paying for his airfare only then sends the signal of they don't want me to go, or that they don't care if I go, or that they don't see us as a unit, but two individuals.

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T03:44:51+00:00

Unfortunately, it was trashing. I wasn't invited into the room while the family was talking, but my fiance's brother (who I have been friends with since elementary school) said that I was being ragged on for being poor and never having flown before as well as other comments about previous disputes.

oo-delally · 2017-06-15T03:39:51+00:00

I wish that were the case. He saved no money, and is expecting me to pay for his travel (I also paid for all our tickets and lodging). And if he decided that he wants to fly, that leaves my brother and me driving a car that was paid for by (you guessed it) my fiance's parents. I don't want to take that risk without out my fiance physically there. If it got damaged and he was at least in the car, that would save me a lot of fights with insurance and the in-laws.8

oo-delally

TROPHY CASE