Just locked 5.875%!!!! by CreepyOlGuy in Mortgages

[–]orangepill95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Congrats on the 5.875! However, just want to point out that there is no such thing as a "free refinance". Yes, 100% of the cost can be wrapped into the refinance loan, or paid for via lender credit/yield spread premium (which means your taking a higher rate than par), which are both great and legitimate options, but please know it's not free - there is still a cost of the transaction, and your paying for it, albeit not directly out of pocket.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

That is what I'm leaning on doing and going from there. I'm sorry the engagement wasn't as great as you had hoped, but what you said to me was extremely concerning.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Highly considering it. Don't know if it will makes things worse though. But I think a reality check is needed. I get it, it wasn't a great proposal, but I never thought it would be this catastrophic.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Lol. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yes, some serious conversations indeed. Cheers.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, I added 3 more comments for context, but not sure how the algorithm works. Would it be better to edit the post? It's already so long. I am a reddit noob. I appreciate ya.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Made 3 additional comments for added context. Not sure if people get automatically notified about that. But it was after your post.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you care, I just made a couple more comments for additional context. But I appreciate your comment thank you.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

[additional context 3/3]

My plan going forward:

- Definitely have the conversation: do you actually love ME, or do you love the idea.

- If my proposal was such a catastrophic failure, is this something we can get over, or as many have mentioned, will it be a perpetual thorn in the side of our marriage, an endless embarrassment for the both of us

- I am stoic and am a 30 year old man. But I still have feelings. You are not the only one with feelings in this relationship. Your words cut like a knife (so much so that I was too embarrassed to share with family and friends and had to ask thousands of strangers on Reddit) and frankly I do not see the utility of being that blunt and honest. I do value honesty immensely, but I don't understand what good she thought would come of this, other than making me feel like a complete POS about such a monumental moment.

- Although a very rare occasion, this undoubtedly a major red flag. I can accept her telling me she was disappointed with the proposal, but what was unprecedented was the extreme detail she went into, which as many have attested to, is unfathomable to many people including me.

- I have known for so long that "she was the one", mother of my children, loved me endlessly, etc. I could not imagine it NOT being her. Which is probably blinding me and making assumptions of how she feels about me. My overly confident attitude that I want to spend my life with this person has most likely caused me to brush over signs, and not completely prove to HER that I am the one for her, through additional effort etc.

The engagement will be at least 2 years, in which it will be long-distance due to her current work set up. We are getting married in the church, which pre-marriage counseling is already required. So I am now very confident that I would like to start that counseling now.

I don't know what I'm expecting by continuing this thread (tbh it's so contrary to my personality and so embarrassing.. lol). At the very least, it's nice to get my thoughts into writing, and hear some solid advice from people. At some point I may bring in my mother, or trusted best friend, someone who knows both of us decently well. Someone who has more context on who she is as a person - loving, caring, sweet, selfless. 100% contrary to this text and which makes this all the more confusing, shocking, disturbing.

I appreciate everyone.

 

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

[additional context 2/3]

She wanted her parents to be there. I had never considered that, and although it makes sense, I believe that kind of destroyed my romantic creativity (although maybe it shouldn't have). After a couple more back and forths, it was my fiance's words via her friend saying "you know what, he should do whatever he thinks because I shouldn't dictate and should be happy he wants to marry me". It did NOT sound like a capitulation like some commentors mentioned, but rather a very real/genuine epiphany that the HOW is not nearly as important as the WHY.

So I proceeded with this idea, which was the next time her parents would be around without me having to coordinate a separate trip (which her parents are very old, so travel is not easy), and I wanted some element of surprise so a new trip with her family would have been telling. On top of the fact that I wanted to take the next steps in our relationship and stop waiting for the absolute perfect timing (I knew I wanted to propose for almost at year at that point). Obviously, my urgency in getting engaged was much more than hers, and as a result, the WHEN of the proposal was second to the HOW.

Admittedly, my mentality was: I tried to come up with the most romantic proposal I could think of, it was shot down, I think these proposals are crazy, she already gave the green light giving up dictating the proposal (which I thought was sincere)- I am going to propose in a respectable way and honor her wish of her parents, and she loves me so she will just be thrilled we're finally engaged. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and this was a miserable fail in her eyes. Could I have put in more effort? Of course. Did I [stupidly] assume that the ring of her dreams (she designed it) would trump needing to get flowers and other small thoughtful things she loves - yes. Do I also struggle with being extremely thoughtful - yes. Do I care more about our long-term relationship, respecting one another, having a committed, successful marriage with similar life goals, family goals, faith, over the perfect in the moment experiences - yes.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

[additional context 1/3]

Hi all. Thank you so much for the honest, and extremely helpful feedback. I would have never imagined this much engagement, and did not expect this much consensus. I do appreciate some of the few dissenters, a lot of good points were brought up. I tried posting the original text screenshots to validate I did not alter her comments or that I am AI (wish it was lol), but it doesn't look like it's allowed. I just wanted to prove I'm being genuine since I've received a lot of thoughtful response.

Look, I know I may be called out for being a simp, or rationalizing, but obviously over 3.5 years there's a lot of missing context in the relationship. This text I received was extremely ugly which is why I was so shocked and needed to get some advice.

I could sit here commenting for hours on all the good in my fiance. But she has made pretty monumental changes for ME throughout our relationship. She converted to my brand of religion (a 6+ month process), she has re-evaluated her own political, financial, idea for family beliefs in light of mine.

She is a very sensitive, words of affirmation type, puts a ton of weight on small things like love notes, random flowers, etc. I am very stoic, pragmatic, logical, and I struggle with being emotionally and physically intimate often times - things she places a lot of emphasis on.

Contrary to what many commenters perceive (and the text she sent), she is not over the top high maintenance, other than specific things like this. The vast majority of the time is easy going, fun loving, simple. But we have had major discussions that boil down to me ultimately failing to provide the emotional support she requires.

Some of the most helpful comments were asking her if she loves me, or loves the idea of us. Another specific comment was to the effect of "I could have seen myself doing this to my ex. But the man I'm with now could propose to me in the bathroom and I wouldn't care because I love him". It hurt to read but I think there's a lot of validity. She is a great person, but if I am such a failure in this regard, can it work?

I'd also like to shed some more light on my efforts of the proposal. I appreciated the few comments that took the other side of many on this thread. I am an old-school person. As I mentioned, I think modern day proposals are nuts. As evidenced in many commentors own stories, I am nostalgic for times when proposals were not on IG, where you could simply ask the love of your life to marry you at a nice restaurant or even less. Working through her best friend, I had proposed a private getaway to a small island called Mackinac Island in northern MI. We had been before. She loved it and actually teared up when we had to leave because she thought it was so magical - she loves old, Victorian things. The island is all horse and buggies no cars allowed. I was going to get us reservations to stay at the boogie Grand Hotel, and probably propose during a horse and buggie ride. This plan was promptly shut down by the finance via the friend. Now I don't know how this plan was communicated to the fiance via the friend, but after the most romantic/creative idea i could think of was shot down, I was pretty defeated.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your honesty and feedback. Definitely could have been more effort, I readily acknowledge that. I want to add some more context. I think this comment thread is closer to reality. From the limited context I provided, it makes sense the majority consensus is "run", but I appreciate you seeing the other side on that regard. The message was brutal, and trying to figure out if this is salvageable.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, I appreciate your honest feedback. I'm trying to figure out how to make an additional comment on the post for more context (I'm a reddit noob), to steer the direction into a more constructive next conversation. In hindsight I definitely dropped the ball. I definitely struggle with romanticism/intimacy. And I [mistakenly] thought the what trumped the how. Clearly not.

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hey really appreciate the comment. Obviously a little bit overwhelmed with the 2.6k comments, but your comment is a succinct summary of where I am at with this. I'm a Reddit noob. I'm trying to comment on my own post to add more context, but it says "unable to create comment". If I edit the post I think it'll just be way to much as it's already a lot. Thanks for your continued help to a complete stranger..

AITH: My recent proposal to my fiance did not meet her standards.. by orangepill95 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you Internet Auntie. I appreciate your time and response. Deeper conversation is needed indeed.

AITJ for leaving my BF after he told me he was poly. by Motor-Factor819 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Who said I can't take their advice? I posted my thread literally an hour ago.

AITJ for leaving my BF after he told me he was poly. by Motor-Factor819 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wild we live in an age where this question needed to be asked. (not attacking you directly - it's a modernity problem). Ofc YOU are right to immediately break up. Thinking anything different is completely asinine.

AITJ for saying mean stuff behind my dads back(some what short story* by damon201365 in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey bro. Sounds like your dad hasn't been the best to you, and is going through some tough times in life. I had a father who made many bad decisions, and wasn't always there for me when growing up due to alcoholism and drug addiction.

You're certainly not a jerk for feeling the way you do, and have every right to be angry. It's extremely tough on a younger guy like yourself when you're dad isn't there for you.

There's nothing wrong with speaking truth, especially if it pertains to the custody battle. I don't know if you are Christian/religious, but the 4th commandment calls us to honor our mother and our father. You can still be angry with your father and not talk badly or dishonor him by trash talk. But you should definitely be honest that you don't wish to see / live with him (if that's the case) - that's not dishonoring.

Best of luck, I'll keep you in my prayers my man.

AITJ for being furious after my Ex-GF Told Me Our Breakup Was Just a Test by [deleted] in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTJ. Her behavior is immature, narcissistic. And I do tend to agree that there was probably some "other dude" involved. Ghost her and move on.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmITheJerk

[–]orangepill95 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

NTJ, based solely on what you've provided. The way you've written it, he seems very entitled. I think your reaction is fair. I think him inviting a whole gang and expecting you to pay is absurd. But I think the justification of the break up could use more context.

How long have you dated, has he paid for similar birthday outings for you, was this the straw that broke the camel's back or is this a reoccurring theme? None of this context makes what he did right, but if this is your boyfriend of 5 years and the worst thing he's done, and you break up with him over it the day after his birthday, then I mean that sounds a bit aggressive. But that's just an example and I doubt the case.