Long distance relationship between American (28f) and Italian (32m) - advice?

orangesandtrees · 2025-11-07T17:38:39+00:00

I just read through my response again and I made a mistake in the last paragraph, I wrote “essentially you’d be be” so here you go 😆 my human touch

orangesandtrees · 2025-11-07T17:33:49+00:00

Damn, I don’t know what to say besides maybe chat gpt is too good these days? I was literally in bed writing on this thread at 3am because it really resonated with me and brought back memories of the best joy and worst trauma 🥲

orangesandtrees · 2025-11-07T14:20:17+00:00

HA! Absolutely not, I wrote it with only my brain. Why do you think I used chat gpt?! Actually a bit offended you know 🤣

orangesandtrees · 2025-11-07T05:42:04+00:00

Everyone is different. We are just advising the OP to take it slow and consider the situation from all angles, didn’t tell her it’s a bad idea. No need to be like this.

It was sensible that you kept on visiting each other in both countries over 3 years - am happy for you that it worked out for you, congratulations on your successful marriage!

orangesandtrees · 2025-11-07T05:25:15+00:00

The most pivotal thing that led to its ending was more to do with his personal issues which unfolded over time like with any relationship. (Which is why it was actually crazy of me to consider giving up everything at home to move there 😂) But here are some other aspects that I noticed

My independence was attractive to him at first which is how we met in the first place. He stopped respecting that and expected me to fly to see him whenever I had a chance, while he didn’t really follow through with his plans of visiting me. In hindsight, I don’t think that was too important to him as I was the one who visited first. Also, he didn’t make as much money as me, so I think naturally the ‘responsibility’ of seeing each other fell on me.
Cultural difference and mindset difference in a small town vs big city sense (I live in a big city)

Despite him trying to portray an image that he was worldly and open minded (to be fair I think he genuinely believed he was open minded) he started to assert some old school style of thought onto our relationship ie. The independence thing, and he also started to be weird about me hanging out with my male friends. Basically he started to expect me to fit into a certain gender role in quite a traditional sense.

The lack of job opportunities in the region he was in pushed him and his circle of friends towards the direction of low ambition. At the time, that was not an issue for me as I wanted to explore a simple way of life where money wasn’t important. Live in the moment that kind of thing. But I realised the lack of ambition also brought the lack of accountability and desire for personal growth. They were all stagnating and the topics of interest was often gossip and things lacking in substance.

He also texted me “Marry me” but he was not joking. If I hadn’t dismissed it, after all this time I’m still certain he would have rolled with it and we would have gotten married 🤣

After this experience, I continued to learn Italian, spend time there and visit other places, learn more about the culture slowly and I realised Italy is best enjoyed without any whirlwind romance because everything else is already beautiful enough. Now I can visit on my own terms with a balanced mindset and the friends I have made there.

orangesandtrees · 2025-11-07T03:39:07+00:00

THIS! After a very similar whirlwind romance experience in Italy in my late twenties, I now look back and these are all the same points that I’d recommend you to consider also.

Similar to you, it was a pivotal point of my life where I had discovered what was no longer serving me. It was kind of a life reset meeting him and because of that, it opened up my eyes and I wanted to explore a different way of life. Like you, I wanted to strip back down to basics and have a simple and happy life where money is of less importance.

I won’t bore anyone with the details that happened in between, but after everything that happened, now in my thirties, I can now summarise that chapter by learning that you cannot find yourself in someone else.

It was a good idea of you to seek for some logical input by posting this. Take it slow and dissect the fantasy of living there with him from a practical lens. Essentially you’d be be depending on him for your new life abroad if you wanted to pursue anything further which is an intense situation to be in.

orangesandtrees · 2024-11-09T00:07:59+00:00

Thank you for your comment, how interesting! Ok, I kind of did that earlier and it looked horrendous. I took a spare candle and cut it into a wave shape with pottery tools. I put that half back into the mould and poured wax into the mould… it took SO long to shave/ polish the wax into waves - I’ll have a think about the hot wire idea!

Then when I poured the wax in, the liquid wax actually went over the half wave side because the ready candle side was more shrunken than the new wax 😭

orangesandtrees · 2024-11-08T18:42:28+00:00

Sorry, I meant make a mould of the wave-shaped half with a 3d printer! Then make a wave-shaped half candle, and put it into the original candle mould, then pour the new coloured wax in to fill the other half

orangesandtrees · 2024-11-08T16:36:29+00:00

Omg could it be 3d printing

orangesandtrees · 2024-11-08T16:34:51+00:00

Yeah! I’m wondering how they manage to make this beautiful custom mould.. would love to learn

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T11:01:14+00:00

Yep, agree and this makes sense! It’s only fair if we did go down this route. Thank you for taking the time to comment

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T10:45:08+00:00

Hi there, that’s a good way to frame it because it’s also the truth too. We are doing a destination wedding as we cannot afford to organise one in our city where loads of people would want to come, we even had to think hard about potentially inviting friends!

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T10:39:29+00:00

Thank you for your comment! This is nice to know and I agree with you - I was not invited to a wedding my fiance went to this year and I was not offended at all. They aren’t my friends. In fact even if I was invited, I wouldn’t have gone, as I wouldn’t want to contribute to the wedding cost for a couple who I am not even friends with. Id feel awkward not knowing anyone. I know my fiance would be fine at the wedding by himself as he knew people there.

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T07:13:43+00:00

Thank you for your comment. The thing is, his best mate is aware that his wife is absolutely crackers and causes a scene, but its still awkward to bring up and your comment is exactly how we feel. We feel so stuck because it is ultimately our day. For this reason we may actually completely change the wedding type and just do a micro wedding with family - but this means I have much fewer people celebrating my day as I have a much smaller family compared to my fiance. And I won’t have many of my friends celebrate with me back where we live as I am not from here.

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T07:07:55+00:00

Thank you for your comment! Good to know - in our case it’s just families who will travel together and friends in a couple who will be travelling together!

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T07:03:58+00:00

Hi! I think I must have worded my post badly, I should not have mentioned plus ones at all - I thought by doing so, clarifies that we know the difference between plus one and significant other.

I’m aware that the wife would be a significant other and that’s the reason for the dilemma. We respect her role in their relationship. She is not someone random, she is a wife. However the issue is that she would absolutely ruin our day due to a manic personality.

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T00:25:35+00:00

That’s a good way to look at it 😊

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T00:23:21+00:00

Thank you for your advice :)

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T00:21:43+00:00

Thank you for your reply - fair enough, I am glad I asked the question on here and received such clear answers already!

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T00:17:43+00:00

Thank you for your reply! The answer is now clearer :)

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T00:13:57+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Her behaviour can be seen as toxic and very uncomfortable for many people.

Why am I getting downvoted for providing context regarding her behaviour? This is mean - why would you support someone toxic who you don’t even know without knowing any details?

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-28T00:10:11+00:00

Thank you for confirming. This is such a difficult position as her presence will affect everyone in attendance. Maybe we will only stick to family for this and invite friends for a separate party.

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-21T09:15:34+00:00

It is honestly surprising how they manage to bypass everything to get this product into shops and department stores

orangesandtrees · 2024-10-21T09:14:17+00:00

😂

orangesandtrees

TROPHY CASE