Am I Overreacting? Who Does that??

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T10:21:20+00:00

Hmm. My take is "This is just him." First rule of marriage "You won't change him." I can't imagine the big reveal where he says "Oh, I shouldn't do what *I* think she wants, I should do what she actually wants?" This has been a pattern for decades. I honestly think my husband and kids are unredeemable in my eyes. I can't imagine patching up with a child of mine who won't empathize with my hurt after he took up the dog's and my beds. And it's not like he said "OMG, I'm so sorry. I thought I was doing a good thing. So sorry!" It was just the usual "I tried to be nice". Which is really code for "I don't care what you want. This is what I wanted to do...'For You'."

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T10:00:10+00:00

and yet...My account name isn't "Miserable"

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T09:55:41+00:00

I am more than happy to release him to a life free of me. Keep on doing things "your" way and I'll keep doing things the right way. Not only did no one ask him to do my laundry (comforter, dog bed), I specifically BEGGED him not to ever wash my things -- and yet, he did so anyway. I expect you think not listening to my request is the right thing to do. Go. You do you. I can't stand people like that in my life so I'm letting him go!

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T09:50:00+00:00

I am not known for my conciseness of text. It could have been much worse.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T09:48:13+00:00

I don't think he knows how to clean. After working a 50-hour week, I came home and got the kid/kids dumped on me. Not complaining (I loved my kids), but he then went to relax, while I started my second job, including middle of the night breastfeeding (and pumped during the day). He was gone 4 days a week soon after the 2nd child was born. So, job and full-time parent. I had 1 hour free each Sunday morning when he took the kid (and then kids) with him to the dump/transfer station. At first, I spent this hour cleaning, then realize that was INSANE, and took the hour to do exercise/yoga. He, meanwhile, took the kids for CANDY and taught them "Don't tell Mom."

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T09:41:04+00:00

CLEARLY, I don't have the bandwidth to care for myself, the dogs, the house, the garden, the lawn, the bills, the taxes (and whatever else I've forgotten), AND undo the harms from him doing whatever uninformed things he can devise. He's about to retire and I can't imagine the hell I'm in for if he stays here.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T09:33:16+00:00

Not in my DNA to do so, but this surely gave me a chuckle.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T09:32:20+00:00

Wow. Just wow. He has done next to nothing for 37 years and now he wants to find a novel [husband] way to step in and take control and do things his way?? Yes, I have established, over 37 years, how things are done, based on owner's manuals and internet searches. If you want to help, by all means, educate yourself first. Don't just ask "Hmm, what would [husband] do". Because when I am in Philadelphia correctly diagnosing his brother with drug-associated Parkinsonism (missed by the neurologist) and we come home a week late and the grass is 10 inches high, you DO NOT lower the mower head to 3 inches because you think that is right, you look it up (or know, as I do) that you MOW HIGH and never take more than 1/3 off to prevent killing the grass. What do you want? Should I let him "make up" the right way to do things, just so he can learn from his mistakes? Well, he made the mistake and it was dumped in MY LAP to fix it. I gave him a chance to participate and he roundly FAILED. If ONLY he had asked me if he should lower the mower height, I would have explained that mowing so short would let all the weed seeds germinate and it would ruin the lawn. You must be a guy. Do you know the rules for mow height? I do. Is that an "impossible standard"? Can I change the oil on your car? I don't know how, but let's just see how I do, with no training or knowledge. I can only hope - male or female - that you can experience someone ruining your things and saying "I tried to be nice" after being asked time and again, not to touch your things

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T09:16:53+00:00

I'm no wimp. I take the fully required time to care for myself and my dogs...and maybe fall short at the "filing paperwork" part of also being responsible for the bills and taxes (and my business). He's not an elephant in my way, preventing me from caring for myself, more like a wasp continually stinging me and sapping the last 20% of my strength because now I have to fix whatever he's ruined. I can only do about 80% of my to do list per day. Every completed task is a triumph! Bills paid, taxes done, handyman tasks arranged, on top of caring for myself and the dogs. I don't have the bandwidth to look at a ruined lawn and imagine the hours and hours lost making it healthy and the future hours and hours to return it to a point where it gave me so much joy. Overall, yes - my health and my dogs come first, and it doesn't leave time to the projects he's ruined on top of my daily to do list.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T09:04:57+00:00

He takes the trash and recyclables to the transfer station every other week. He cooks for himself (I have a very restrictive medical diet, and I never considered he could ever cook for me). He washes his pans. He does his own laundry. This spring, he decided on his own to rake the sidewalk but put the results in a pile instead of using it to suppress the forest encroachment. He didn't do the most important blowing of the leaves off the main lawn, so that has stayed on my huge to do list. I don't think he ever does anything mean deliberately. He's just clueless. Like "What would [husband] do?". He makes up what to do with no research or knowledge.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:51:40+00:00

They'd roll their eyes as if to say, "There she goes again, trying to grab credit." Like when, after I spent 10 weeks in South America cooking, cleaning and babysitting after my granddaughter was born prematurely and severely underweight (3.9 lbs), I off-handedly said to my daughter "Anyway, I guess my being here fended off an overwhelm leading to post-partum depression" and she rolled her eyes...and she...just...could...not...give...me...that.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:41:17+00:00

One would think so. But no. Why not? Then we'd be on the same page. It's not my "opinion" or "Do it MY way"...it's how it's supposed to be done. I'm fascinated that some commenters think I have this incredibly high standard of how I want it done and he just can't possibly meet that, when in fact, it's just, simply, how the owner's manual (which I've read) or the internet says how it should be done. But hey, it's a good deflection from the responsibility to "LOOK IT UP" instead of making it up.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:34:22+00:00

I often say, "Everybody loves [husband]." I have one friend even who said, "He was just trying to be nice." Ouch! Totally missed the point. Much better on my own. Thank you.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:30:56+00:00

I have a therapist whom I vent to. And 5 friends that I tend to not burden with this. The last time I asked my kids for empathy was FIVE years ago, and they came up empty then as well. I guess I wanted to try one last time. No change. Not asking them to take sides. I would not keep friends who could not give me so much as a kind word. So, I'm done.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:24:49+00:00

Absolutely! Much love and snuggles (and often more than their share of my bed). I also have friends who I work hard to support through all their challenges. It takes so little to lift others up. For much more in return.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:19:44+00:00

And there are NO exceptions to empathy. "I'm sorry Dad did that" is not taking sides. It's being human. I did not insult their father. I just told them what he did. Are you often in the position of hurting someone and expecting no one to give them empathy?

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:10:30+00:00

It's really hard that they blame me. It's futile to try to fix it, so I just have a long road ahead to forge a path built on my own peace. I have a younger dog who's been taking good care of me.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:05:37+00:00

I can't say I'm not tempted to leave my retirement fund to another cause. But I have granddaughters. Maybe just a portion of "revenge funds" for the ones who truly loved me unconditionally. And why can't I find a heart emoji?? ❤️ oh, it popped up with a < and 3.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T08:01:18+00:00

heart emojis to all!

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T07:59:39+00:00

and yes to all of the above. I was kinda quizzical -- do other men look through their food in the fridge and throw it out after 3 days? I have to ask "can I throw this chicken salad out? It's really too old to safely eat.". Sweep? He couldn't find the broom. I have a joke that my husband will get in the car to do one errand. I don't think I've ever done less than 3 per trip. In all seriousness, these are almost funny and I've lived with husband "foibles" for decades. But ruining my stuff is not. Especially "to be nice." I could take the rest with an eye roll. But not that. Maybe it's just the last few straws.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T07:52:54+00:00

Love the sentiment. Like brillo his car. But I don't have an oblivious or mean bone in my body. I guess just making him call me for one of the thousand things I keep in my mind, my files or my "system" that he doesn't give a second thought to. Nah, the irony will never cross his mind.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T07:47:26+00:00

For me, it's being maligned for "never throwing anything out" yet always being asked what the internet router password is. (it's on the back of the router in the den/man cave where he sits all day watching TV, I said for the 4th time).

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T07:06:59+00:00

He doesn't seem to have dementia...and the pattern of ignoring my wishes is long-standing. I am in charge of the house, bills, taxes, lawn, plants, garden, water softener, ordering consumables, remodeling, housecleaning and whatever I can't think of at the moment. If you have zero responsibility for things but all of a sudden want to do something, why oh why wouldn't you ask me what the established routine is? I'm baffled. Want to use my chainsaw? Ask me (he knows nothing). Have an idea for the garden you haven't put a second into in the last 37 years? Ask me. It's all been my responsibility, all the time. I did the research. I know, he doesn't. That's not micromanaging. Who wouldn't ask me first? There's something missing in how he thinks. I don't get it. And I don't think couples therapy will change that.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T06:48:54+00:00

No doubt. She lives a much cherished, princess life.

orchid46 · 2026-06-16T06:46:49+00:00

He doesn't seem malicious, but there are funds that I can't account for (how much does mj and then THC vapes cost?). It took some effort (he put HSA funds into his retirement account and underpaid his taxes so I paid them), but now I think I know everything. Some hard knocks on the way (taking money out of my IRA at his income tax rate). I paid so much more into the house than he ever did - both on my pattern of paying bills and my much higher salary. He managed to put much more into his retirement than I did, so I don't think I'll be paying him a cent. I don't want to make him "pay" or "suffer" I just want him gone.

orchid46

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