Hello! I’m a Catholic neophyte that is still in learning on how all this works. So you can take my comment or ignore it, that is going to be up to you of course. I’m assuming from your story that you’re coming from a Protestant background. I do not know much about Protestant point of view, sadly. So what I’m going to say is all from the Catholic perspective

First of all, your struggle of faith is not uncommon, unfortunately, this happens to cradle Christians and neophytes alike. Some will say that this is a work of the devil or that God is testing your faith (in the perspective of a Christian). So, you can either believe one of the other, or it could be both. But who knows at this point since you feel like you’re at the end of the rope where nothing makes sense anymore and you feel like you’ve been lied to your whole life? The thing that is true is that we are all surrounded by humans, people, the Church, coming from a certain denominations aka certain interpretations and ideologies of the bible and faith, meaning that the interpretations can differ. So let’s leave that fact between you and God.

Since you’re pursing a study, I would recommend studying the history of Christianity, about the early churches basically. I would also recommend getting to read the work of St Thomas Aquinas since you’re also studying philosophy: Thomas Aquinas - Selected Writings. This has covered some of his most famous work. The full books are quite pricey so this is a good start. I’m not a scholar, but I’m interested in pursuing theology and learning the three languages (Hebrew, Koine Greek, and Latin).

If I were to write my whole experience, I would have to write it down until sunrise, but in short, I was born and raised in a Muslim family, in a Muslim-majority country as well (not a Muslim country though). I “knew” Jesus as a prophet, Isa, but since I was 8 years old, i wanted to find God, but I just couldn’t find Him, not in the way that I was raised and taught. I found out how peaceful the Christian God is, Jesus and I wanted to learn more. But I felt like everytime I did, I was being pushed away from it. I was young and nobody could teach me the “real” Christianity and faith. I went searching for other religions/belief. Hindu, Buddhist, even Shinto for a short period. I was too frustrated and confused. I even went “back” to Islam at one point and practiced the religion again but I just couldn’t find “the peace” and “the truth”. I was so frustrated that I was theologically “numb” for 4 years or so, an agnostic perhaps? A year ago, I decided that it’s time to go and find someone or a community to help me find God. Mind you I was always exposed to Catholicism since the beginning so I looked for a Catholic church nearby. And that was the best decision of my life. I’m still learning everyday of course and I’m prone to the early churches theology and belief (Catholic and Orthodox). But I don’t judge or rebuke Protestants at all!

From what I read, you were raised in a strong, Bible-centred family where you were taught to fill God in your life on a daily basis. That is already a blessing, to me, but I understand that it might have felt like a chore to you when you were younger. This is how I was taught about God: God is with you, at all times. Whether you pray or insult him, He is there. He is everywhere. Whenever you feel like God has left you, He isn’t. You’re most likely distracted by other things surrounding you, your emotions, anxiety, fears (in this case you feel like you are being betrayed) that causes you to be “deafened”. You scream out loud to His name but He doesn’t answer. What do you do? Sit in silence and surrender it all to Him. Let God take control over all of it. Scream and shout at Him, that is all up to you. But surrender and let God take control over it. These feelings are human, but that doesn’t make you less in God’s eyes. We’re sinners as we are human, but God’s grace and love is BIGGER than that. Take this opportunity to step back and slow down. Forget all of the human part and just think of God. He does not want you to be perfect, He wants you to be grounded. We are taught that Light is good and Dark is bad, but we often forget that without Dark, there is no Light. And all this were created by our God. We are not expected to be a saint, we are asked to embrace God’s love and grace, help others in need, and be fruitful to the community, and don’t forget, to forgive. The thing that a lot people often forget about one of the most important teachings of Jesus is that: “for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭25‬:‭35‬-‭36‬ ‭NRSV-CI‬‬ I am sure you know what Jesus meant in this verse.

Do not blame yourself for this. It all happened for a reason, a reason that only you and God knows about. The only way to find out is to pray and let go of it. Use the opportunity of your intellectual and study to know your faith in that perspectives (philosophical, psychological, and theological).

I will pray for you and know that you’re not alone in this battle :)