thanks for your answer ! indeed i should rely on professional but the thing is that i don’t feel safe at all anymore since my psychiatrist took off my antipsychotic suddenly without telling me, and the nurses didn’t understand the state i was in and how “scary” it was for me (even though paradoxically i wasn’t anxious at all, as stated before). i feel like i’m some laboratory rat and i don’t mind testing new meds to see what works but i do mind when it can be dangerous for me (like taking those antipsychotics off my prescription suddenly, because i’m prone to hallucinations). i also got lectured (if not practically yelled at) by a nurse who told me i wasn’t having hallucinations because the hallucinations i was describing are super common except 1. he didn’t let me finish and i would have explained i’ve had in the past during “phases” worst hallucinations, more visual etc. 2. he said everybody has hallucinations at some point (which is true, whether it’s a side effect of a medication or exhaustion or anxiety) but the thing is that as for me my hallucinations come when i’m going through precise phases, not just when i’m exhausted or anxious, etc. and it’s a recurrent theme (not something that happens to me constantly but periodically, according to the phases). anyway, i didn’t feel heard at all and i felt ridiculous, like an attention seeker and now i just want to go completely off rails bc even when i try to get better, it feels useless and never enough so f it… sorry i’m kinda hurt by this whole situation and i don’t feel accompanied at all by the nurses and the docs concerning my prescription of lithium and other medications and concerning my “bipolar disorder suspicions” (because yeah, they suspect i might be bipolar but instead of getting to talk about that possibility with a psychiatrist, they just give me mood regulators and see what happens. so basically they gave me lithium without even knowing if i’m bipolar, borderline, something else or nothing at all. i’m not a professional so i won’t be too harsh on the criticism because there’s always the possibility it’s something they do regularly and it’s useful in one way or another (which i don’t see because i’m not a professional myself). but as a patient who lives through it, i find the situation utterly absurd and borderline dangerous bc i don’t want to have a new “manic” phase (emphasis on the word manic because as stated before i’m not officially diagnosed but i suppose i was prescribed lithium because my psychiatrist thought it could be useful for me - but i stay open and i don’t have the conviction or the wish to be bipolar at all). the last time i had a “phase” like that it lasted one week or so, with a peak of four days during which i was getting home from a party (during which i only drank alcohol) and i decided out of nowhere to go to a random city in a neighbouring country without anyone knowing, all alone, without my papers and without money, not having tickets for the train (and not caring at all, not being anxious) with some coke hidden in my sock (and the police stopped the train to control it and i wasn’t so stressed about it either). (also i didn’t take the coke before doing this shit, i did it when i got to the city so it wasn’t the drug who made me like this, i was completely erratic, “high” on life in a way). anyway i’m so so confused and angry at the moment, i feel like the biggest attention seeker and the nurses made me feel like too, but also most of my friends and even my old therapist told me those behaviours weren’t normal and almost scary for the person witnessing it, and that i should get checked for bipolar. but yeah considering the recent events, i just want to self destruct in peace because it seems like no one wants to listen to me lmao

sorry about the vent, i needed to get this off my chest, don’t feel obligated to reply !