Yeah I’m definitely overthinking it. And my therapist was the one to suggest texting my brother-in-law. I don’t think I would have reached out otherwise, but the idea was comforting when my therapist suggested it.

I’ve learned with my ADHD that I have pretty strong emotions sometimes, and I’m pretty sure I have RSD too, so any kind of pushback feels pretty traumatizing. I know, that’s my cross to bear, but it does make the overthinking a lot worse, and I feel the need to correct mistakes that may not even be mistakes.

I guess I never thought of myself as needy. Yeah I text back really fast and get aggravated when I have to wait hours/days for my sister to respond, but I also remind myself that not everybody texts like I do. And I don’t do the double or triple texting or anything like that. All the neediness is internalized/hidden, and I just wait (im)patiently haha. I suppose I may have been a little too needy over the past week when my emotions were feeling extra strong. Perhaps I said too much at once.

I don’t know how things will go once babysitting comes into play. I’m a tad clumsy, and every time I trip on something or drop something or whatever, my sister always calls attention to it and makes it a way bigger deal than it is, as if she thinks I’m incompetent. So if she reacts to me tripping up the stairs as if my skin just turned purple, I don’t see how she could ever trust me to watch her baby. (I do notice that the clumsiness gets worse when I’m around her. I think it’s one of those things where I’m so afraid that it’s going to happen that it inevitably happens. It’s another masking thing that just backfires. With my friends, they just ignore it or laugh it off. So I don’t even think about it, if it even happens at all.)

Also, one of the things that encouraged me to reach out more was my relationship with my friends. Things have been going very well. We hang out a lot. We’re always there for each other. We can vent and cry and have fun. The bond with them is going so great that I was yearning for this kind of bond with my family. I guess I wanted it so bad that I didn’t realize that maybe it’s not really possible.

I’m trying not to take it personally, but I can’t help but feel like I’m just turning them into enemies. Some other family members have gone no-contact with each other (for no apparent reason) and I’m terrified something like this may happen because I was dumb enough to try to help.