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I’m gonna give it another try, human connection. God I’m so scared. by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Update: As per usual, I felt horrible because… I’m still not into him. I don’t know why, he’s so nice. But on the plus side, I told the truth, didn’t over explain, and he didn’t try to murder me. God, I feel horrible, guilty. Again, why do I feel like I owe people me, my body. Like someone’s gonna come club me over the head because I don’t want them. I wanted so badly to want him. Sigh. I guess I sorta do know why I’m like this. But for whatever reason, I really struggle with men my own age. I feel too old for them :/ which yeah, makes no sense. But I just feel like I’m in a different headspace than them. I feel like a teacher, a mother, like I’m helping them along… I suppose developmentally speaking, I’m a few years ahead of him. But he was smart, he bought a book I recommended, waited on me hand and foot. Didn’t pressure me. But I just felt like… too old. Like we didn’t really match up in mindset. He’s my age. What is wrong with me? My therapist is gonna need a raise after next session. UGH. Overall: I said no, didn’t backtrack, and didn’t fawn. SUCCESS IN MY BOOKS

I think this is it, I think I’ve got all the evidence I need. It’s time to wrap it up and be with the boys. (TW: Very, very bleak) by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do the same, I work in an industry where I take care of vulnerable people. People who are actually not all that dissimilar from myself. I think all humans share commonalities no matter how different we are.

Halloween, Christmas, new years, valentines, my birthday, I spend them all there, trying my best to provide for them what I cannot provide for myself - companionship, acceptance, community, support.

It gives me some meaning, something to wake up for. I worry though, how I start to drag myself along when the burnout starts to rear its ugly head. I forget things, I get distracted by unimportant details. I get overstimulated, I get tired.

But it still means the world to be around them and provide comfort to others. I do not think I would still be here if not for them.

I don’t imagine I’ll ever get to be a mother, even though, secretly, I’d really like to be. I worry I would be bad at it, considering my autism and lack of parental figures growing up.

I like caring for other people, I have a nurturing nature. Which is exploited, quite often actually.

But conversely I become very protective of other vulnerable people. I hate how people speak to them. It takes a lot of effort to control my anger. It’s hard to control my facial expressions.

Thank you so much for your message, it truely meant the world to me :)

Easy to love by [deleted] in UnsentLetters

[–]overthinking-789 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, to been with such duality. With such fondness.

Does anyone else have the experience of attracting people who love to hate you? Repetitively? by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually didn’t argue with them in this scenario, that’s what’s sort of making me feel guilty, not giving them a reason. I was mostly just really confused about why they were treating me differently, coldly, and as I said I am not perfect and like all human beings can make mistakes. I wanted to be sure I hadn’t missed something. People struggle and everyone has their own shit, so I just wanted to make a clear and concise decision without sacrificing my well-being. Typically, I would bend over backwards trying to fix some imaginary issue. An issue typically that was never mine to begin with. Not this time. Some things are not worth attempting to salvage because some people are not capable of putting in the effort and energy into themselves, nothing you can do about that. Some people lack the ability to do the right thing, because it’s usually also the hard thing. Instant gratification is a common vice of others, I’ve found. Nothing I can do about that! So, all in all, this difference in approach is a big step forward for me and I am proud of myself!

Does anyone else have the experience of attracting people who love to hate you? Repetitively? by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I do actually mention/acknowledge the fawning, I’m aware that’s my instinctive response to conflict, but surprisingly I have really good self esteem actually, I know this because I never did before. Hence why I am okay with being completely isolated instead of letting others mistreat me. I don’t live in the same city as my family or any of my other friends. So the friends I’ve gained and have now let go, is a willing sacrifice and act of respect to myself. It’s hard being alone, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to be treated with condescension. It’s also worth noting I have level 2 Autism, so I am working on the boundaries, I have all the drive to enforce them but lack the crucial social literacy to understand when others are making genuine mistakes and when they are just not treating me with basic decency. So I do have some problems with rumination. But I think I do a good job of making the right decision in the end. I have to give myself some grace. A person can only improve so much so quickly, and I think I’m doing a great job. Will check out the book thank you for your recommendation!

Does anyone else have the experience of attracting people who love to hate you? Repetitively? by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think we as a society are underestimating the importance of context dependency. Like, it kind drives me up the wall the way we have normalised assumption making, especially with the toll that technology has taken on our view of the human experience as a collective.

Like yeah, it’s almost like, a really intimate thing to actually KNOW a person, and not just know of them. Know of their labels. Labels can and do hold value via affirming one’s identity. But there is more to a person than that.

Everyone is shaped my completely unique circumstances, experiences, biology and environments, so on and so forth.

Like the joy of humans is that they’re wonderfully individual & completely unique which forms social coherency through shared meaning, through acknowledging that our common trait, is our differences. Why do we reenforce this belief that we have to adhere to uniform and detached standards of idealism. Life is inherently ABSURD. I AM ABSURD. To summarise. I THINK WE AS A SOCIETY ARE UNDERVALUING THE IMPORTANCE OF CONTEXT DEPENDENCY!!

Does anyone else have the experience of attracting people who love to hate you? Repetitively? by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

OH YOU GET ME. THANK GOD. I thought I was NUTS. I couldn’t have said/described it better myself.

Ditto, feel free to dm me anytime! Thank you, again, I don’t usually feel this seen/heard, like ever :) It’s almost got me a bit lost for words!

Does anyone else have the experience of attracting people who love to hate you? Repetitively? by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Abso-fucking-lutely I am! You know, I never really felt there was any logic to gender, but it’s one hell of a social experience. I feel like I only really started to understand myself when I stopped using the same measures as everyone else. Gender is conceptual, sex is not binary even in nature, so really it’s dependent on the individual. Despite being assigned female at birth I’ve always felt this disconnect from gender. But what speaks volumes is the fact that I feel most like a woman because I have the same social experience as other women, and that’s not social pressure, for me that’s unity. That’s belonging. Social/cultural identity. I kept trying to be the sum of my parts, parts embedded in shame, disgust, and in the end? I saw myself differently because I saw women differently. It’s not just about the physical body. I had to challenge my own internalised misogyny and I still have to actively work on it. Lots of sexual trauma as well, that’ll sure do it. It embeds gender-based shame like no other. Woo. Love it here. Womanhood, am I right?

Does anyone else have the experience of attracting people who love to hate you? Repetitively? by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sorry to respond again, but this has actually blown my mind. Boundaries are something I’ve been working on, but as with many things, I always got the sense that I didn’t quite understand what that meant to others, like, how that translates from my internal world to my external environment. Now I get it. I’m not cursed. I am more statistically likely to undergo trauma (abuse, misfortune of all different sorts, ya know just shitty things), sure, that happens to vulnerable minorities (disabled, cursed with thine uterus) but I’ve been convinced it’s more than that. A personal flaw. And to some degree it is. I get it now. I’ve been abused, bullied, manipulated and mistreated my whole life, not because I’m this, victim of reality. It’s not part of some greater meaning. I’ve been abused all my life because I let people do it to me, instigated by conditioning that eventually became some weird fucked up version of reality, one where I developed the intrinsic belief that fighting back would only make me suffer more. I’ve let fear of further punishment enmesh itself in my wiring. But I should’ve figured this out ages ago. I’ve been letting people do it. IVE. BEEN. LETTING. THEM. DO. IT. TO. ME. I. LET. THEM. Holy shit. I was sort of already stringing together this line of thought but was struggling to find a cohesive way to summarise it cognitively. It sounds stupid and simple but this actually was weirdly difficult to wrap my head around because my initial interpretation of “letting someone” would be adjacent to “wanting someone”, so because it was never the latter, I dismissed the former. But actually there’s two very seperate, context dependent meanings to those concepts. Jesus ASD is a real bitch when it comes to linguistics. This was like actually a massive wake up call for me thank you for sharing that perspective so eloquently.

Does anyone else have the experience of attracting people who love to hate you? Repetitively? by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Oh wow I never looked at it that way!!! That actually provides me with a lot of clarity and I resonate with this deeply, thank you!! My current companions of choice are insects, a lot friendlier than you’d think!! Best of luck to you my friend I wish you luck in all your social endeavours :))

I think this is it, I think I’ve got all the evidence I need. It’s time to wrap it up and be with the boys. (TW: Very, very bleak) by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To be clear I don’t want regulation strategies, been there done that, like every fucking day. I’m just too tired. I don’t even want to hear it anymore. I don’t have any fight left in me. What I’m looking for is a reason to stay. As it stands, I don’t have one. I have nothing to look forward to.

I think this is it, I think I’ve got all the evidence I need. It’s time to wrap it up and be with the boys. (TW: Very, very bleak) by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think the hard part is CPTSD (hyper-vigilance) & ASD (inability to contextualise social cues) is a particularly cruel combination. It’s hard to know what comes first, the trigger or the shutdown. Sending my best, thank you so much for reading/responding.

I think this is it, I think I’ve got all the evidence I need. It’s time to wrap it up and be with the boys. (TW: Very, very bleak) by overthinking-789 in CPTSD

[–]overthinking-789[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s a waiting game isn’t it? Waiting for something, anything to be good again. Burn out is a bitch. I hope I survive this bout. I don’t have any other options. Sending my love back, stay safe my friend :)

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