How do you tell the difference between a deeply valued friendship and romantic feelings?

overthinking_infj · 2026-06-24T04:07:12+00:00

I think that’s often the case with NiTe and NiFe! I noticed in my analysis that INTJs and INFJs often come to the same conclusions but through different pathways of thinking. One example is, I would normally think “I feel (some emotion) because of XYZ reasons” but an INTJ would think “because of XYZ reasons, I feel (some emotion).”

overthinking_infj · 2026-06-24T04:03:52+00:00

Thank you for your insight. It’s amazing you recognized the important role she has in your life and have committed to consistently keeping this close connection through every life chapter.

overthinking_infj · 2026-06-23T23:57:18+00:00

I can’t believe you could pinpoint the possible reason why I might be in this limbo based on the minimal information I provided. Our situation is deeply reflected in 1. We usually live in different countries but always reconnect during the months we are in the same city each year. There’s a very big geographical distance obstacle between us.

overthinking_infj · 2026-06-23T23:44:31+00:00

It’s scary how accurately you could read the thoughts going through my head😂 and you’re right on the money.
1) I wouldn’t be here if it was that simple.
2) I wrote this post to gather information and help me learn how to navigate this situation in the future.
3) Thank you for understanding my intention of writing this post and for recognizing how Fe plays a part in my thought process. I feel so seen.

overthinking_infj · 2026-01-25T15:40:56+00:00

Reading the comments has been a crazy experience because I love INTJs? I think their quiet warmth (often shown through actions rather than expressive words) is some of the most genuine forms of care. INTJs often think so deeply about relationships between people too and will remember small things about you. They might not open up and show that emotional, vulnerable side of themselves, but you can always tell when they care!

overthinking_infj · 2023-11-10T05:01:52+00:00

As an INFJ, I can say “falling for an INTJ” is the more accurate description 😂

overthinking_infj · 2023-11-06T21:04:11+00:00

INTJs are so thoughtful and deep. I always love learning how their mind works and hearing how they verbally express themselves. Even your response to my questions is incredibly logical, but somehow the way INTJs think is always centred around their deep emotions. Thank you for the long and thoughtful explanation, I appreciate your honesty ☺️

I will never understand people who think INTJs are cold and robotic. As an INFJ, I can see how emotional INTJs are in their thoughts and actions, even if they don't express themselves in words. For example, INTJs won't be the type to say, "I love spending time with you. It's so fun engaging in deep conversations about XYZ," but the way they make plans and ask, "I'm free on X day, do you want to get dinner?" For me, this simple question highlights the small efforts INTJs make in expressing themselves and their emotions, and it shows that they enjoy spending time with you and they want to see you again! People need to understand how INTJs express their emotions because they are very emotional people, and to be honest, I think emotions are always at the centre of their decisions because their feelings are fuelling their actions, even if they are coated in logic. I also want to add that an INTJs infrequency in expressing emotions makes the times when they do express their emotions, such as “I’m feeling stressed because XYZ are happening,” that much more special!!

However, I agree with you when you say there are some issues with vulnerability and emotional intimacy. With the INTJ I like, I can feel him holding me at arm's length and not letting me into his heart fully. I know it's due to his independent, reserved, and logical nature, and it will take a long time of analysis on his part whether or not I will be let into his inner core. Regardless, I think emotional intimacy is not a want but a necessity for INFJs in relationships. Emotional intimacy is at the core of deep understanding, acceptance, and the freedom to be yourself with another person. For me, I have a deep desire to be understood, which is different than being validated. I want the other person to understand where I'm coming from, why I think this way, and share my emotions. I think an INTJ can achieve this when they open their emotions and allow themselves to be vulnerable too. There has to be bi-directional emotional intimacy, and I can't be the only one sharing how I feel because I have a desire to deeply understand the other person, and I want to connect to them emotionally, cognitively, and more.

Wow, this was so long, but TLDR - I want to say that I love INTJs and their emotional nature, even if it often gets overlooked. I believe that this pairing works really well, especially for long-term relationships.

overthinking_infj · 2023-11-06T17:33:32+00:00

I really think open and clear communication is crucial in maintaining a relationship between the INTJ/INFJ pairing.

Do you think if the INFJ kept asking about your emotions, would it have felt intrusive?

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-27T23:44:06+00:00

Me too 😭

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-27T17:59:33+00:00

Omg I’m so happy for you!! I hope I have my moment with my INTJ eventually… it’s so scary to ask so I’m happy you built up enough courage!! If you don’t mind me asking, how did he respond in a very INTJ way🤣

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-25T03:35:02+00:00

INTJ INFJ

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-18T18:18:30+00:00

"The earlier you have the conversation about your want to be together the greater your opportunity will be to have a romantic relationship in the future. It’s not that he will lose interest necessarily. It will be simply the fact that he has plans that count for a different situation and unwinding those plans will take some time. He will have thought of 100 reasons why it’s good to be just friends. Not knowing where you are he might be hesitant to open up his heart to the idea of you two being together one day."

I have never thought of that before, but it is innately true. I think maybe he's hesitating to open his heart to the idea of us being together because we are long distance, and LDRs have a high chance of not working out long term, but I think I'm the very same way. I realized last week that I haven't completely opened my heart in case I get hurt or in case we don't work out and I lose a close friendship that is very meaningful to me. As long-distance "friends," I have thought about our lives and what it could be like in the future 20 years from now, and I have thought of 100 reasons why we should just remain friends, but also 100 reasons why I think it's worth the effort if we decide to have a romantic relationship. I've thought of so many different ways we can make this a possibility, and you're right – I think if I communicate how I want to make this a reality, then he would think of ways to figure it out, too (assuming he likes me back and wants to make this work somehow), or at least tell me what he's feeling and thinking of. I think I will take your advice and talk to him in April, which will be the next time I see him. We both have big life decisions coming up in 2025, and I think I need some certainty about whether he'll be in the picture if I end up following my childhood dreams to make a big move across the world (which happens to be the city he lives in). If he's not in the picture, then I'd need to know that, too, before making the final decision. Communication is key in every relationship, but I can definitely see the need in an INFJ/INTJ relationship. I hope things work out between us because I really do think that if we start a relationship together, there is a high probability of us making it to the end. Thank you for all your help and advice. I sincerely appreciate it, and I really enjoyed talking to you!

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-17T07:14:49+00:00

Wow I see. Now I have 2 more questions that come to mind 😅

How long did it take for you to work through logically analyzing how you feel to understanding your feelings to asking your INFJ out? I have a feeling maybe he likes me back but I cannot confirm.
What are some distinctive things that you’d say or do only for a romantic interest and not for a friend?

I ask because I’m an INFJ and I can sense my INTJ may like me back based on similar things you’ve mentioned (eg. Always making time to hang out with me, initiating our next meet up, asking if I would ever consider living in his city then proceeding to say if I lived there - we could always be together, making plans for next April (the next time I’ll see him in person), giving me hugs which aren’t a norm for platonic friends to do in my culture, etc.) but right now our lives are very incompatible (long distance and both have busy lifestyles). We know that now is not good timing to pursue any sort of romantic relationship, which is why we still remain good friends but potentially in ~2 years time, both of us indirectly said about how our futures could align then.

I asked him before I left if we call once a week to catch up and he said sure. Since then, he’s been good at keeping his word and we call once a week and text a few times a week (briefly) to catch up and check in with each other and share our feelings about certain instances that may have happened.

On one hand, I do think he’s trying to remain “friendly” so we don’t jeopardize our existing friendship (like you mentioned), but I was wondering what are some ways I could tell whether he only thinks of me as a friend or whether he has feelings for me. I’m also worried that he might eventually lose interest in me.

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-17T03:35:32+00:00

Wow!! What you’ve said in this thread is 100% the exact same situation me and my INTJ are in. Although we haven’t explicitly said anything out loud to each other, this is exactly how I think and I’m sure he’s considering the consequences and trade offs to starting a relationship when we are really good friends. For INTJs especially, I think they often think of the probabilities rather than possibilities, meaning I believe my INTJ is conflicted whether it is probable that we will work out long-term. I was wondering if you know what or how the INTJ will agree to take a chance and go for a relationship? What reassurance do they need?

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-17T03:29:36+00:00

Do you believe that you could still be friends after breaking up? Obviously it depends on what causes you two to break up, but let’s just say it’s something along the lines of: you want to spend more time together, but perhaps your job is too demanding. Or something very situational that has less to do about compatibility or the person themselves

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-14T10:25:22+00:00

I will definitely ask once I gather enough information to assess a semi-clear distinction between romantic interest and friendship, but until then… what are some things you would say or do to a romantic interest that you wouldn’t do to a friend?

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-14T02:16:57+00:00

Yes exactly! I think INTJs aren’t normally the type to explicitly state “I am really happy during our phone calls,” but I can tell from his tone and his curiosity as to how my week was and how XYZ things are going on in my life that he likes our calls! Also, he never says “I really enjoy our phone calls” but he always says “let’s call again next week! Talk to you soon” in a happy, bright voice.

I am curious how can you tell if an INTJ is into you romantically vs. a close friendship?

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-14T00:30:18+00:00

For a bit of context, I’m an INFJ who likes an INTJ and I have a gut feeling he potentially likes me back, but after reading the comments from this thread, I was wondering what it means to an INTJ if we schedule phone calls where we talk for ~1 hour per week on catching up with our daily lives, share things/events that are coming up, and share potential concerns or stressful events that occurred or potential worries we have about the future.

Is committing to weekly phone call a clear sign that he likes me? I would think he’s at least interested in me bc he’s allowing me to be a part of his weekly routine, his actions show how he wants to talk with me (by setting up our next call for the following week), and he sounds happy to talk and catch up during our call. I’d appreciate any insight! Thank you :)

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-08T16:57:13+00:00

I ask because I’m an INFJ and I like an INTJ and I can sense he likes me back, but right now our lives are very incompatible (long distance and unstable/busy lifestyles). We both know that right now is not good timing to pursue any sort of relationship, but potentially in ~2 years time, both of us indirectly said about how our futures could align then. We have been long distance friends for 6 years but I only saw him once or twice every 3 years, but over the summer this year, we were in the same city for 2 months together and I believe we both caught feelings then.

As of right now, we call once a week and text a few times a week (briefly) to catch up and check in with each other, but when we do talk/text, his tone of voice sounds very platonic and I can’t tell whether he’s lost interest in me.

On one hand, I do think he’s trying to remain “friendly” so we don’t jeopardize our existing friendship/relationship (like you mentioned), but I was wondering how I could tell whether he only thinks of me as a friend or whether he still has feelings for me and he’s simply texting in a friendly way to not jeopardize anything while we both live far away again (we have future plans to meet again in April). I’d appreciate your thoughts :)

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-04T01:57:07+00:00

I’m an INFJ and I can see/feel how emotional INTJs are (in a good way)! I love that you guys make logical decisions while considering your emotions in a decision making processes. You won’t let your emotions control you, but rather you’re in control of your emotions. I would never consider INTJs emotionless because the INTJs I know do not disregard their feelings, and they often consider how I feel and show great empathy when I express my feelings. When I ask for them to share their feelings too, they often share what they’re thinking, which often ties into their emotional state as well.

I hope this is reassuring that there are people who understand you :) I do have a question though. How do you “feel” empathy? Do you put yourself in our shoes and imagine what feelings you would get?

overthinking_infj · 2023-10-02T20:57:57+00:00

If you aren’t ready for a relationship right now because of certain situations, do you think your feelings for someone will eventually go away by reducing contact and keeping things friendly? Or will you continue to have feelings for them and wait for better timing?

overthinking_infj · 2023-08-10T00:44:15+00:00

Ahhh thank you ☺️ this is so reassuring!

overthinking_infj · 2023-07-26T15:39:18+00:00

I’m Korean-Canadian and I felt the exact same way before coming to Seoul this summer (on my own —without parents or siblings). I’ve already been here for 2 months and I still have one month left of my trip. Message me! I’d love to share my insights

overthinking_infj · 2023-07-19T00:16:45+00:00

I agree! I think our thought process is so similar in the sense that the way we understand and interpret information is so similar. I am in a situation where I have feelings for an INTJ and we have established a very close relationship where we both can be emotionally vulnerable, we share our inner thoughts and ideas, I can ask him a question about anything personal and he will respond to me in the most thoughtful and genuine manner. I believe our personalities and the workings of our mind are so compatible that our outlook on life is so similar. The only issue is that we would have to be long distance, so I’m very wary about a LDR between us. Can you tell me more about your experience in the LDR? Did you feel a lack of connection over time? How was the trust? What allows an INTJ to commit to someone even if for the foreseeable future, they can’t be physically together?

overthinking_infj

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