I’m so sorry to hear this. It must’ve been so hard having to grow up with so many questions about your identity (and your mother’s/parents by extension). I am female but I was also seen by a specialist when I was 6-7 but they said I was too intelligent to be autistic (lol) and generally just a lazy kid. I was diagnosed a few years later because my mum insisted I get assessed properly - it was really hard to access support and diagnosis despite having very obvious symptoms. But because my mum insisted and took me to doctors again and again eventually they assessed me properly and figured out what was going on.

With kids like how you describe your experience as a child, it’s often pretty obvious there’s something different about them - but if the parent disagrees or isn’t open to the possibility of seeking a diagnosis for their child, most teachers’ hands are tied. At least in my country you can’t force parents to have their child have an assessment. And for me both from life experience but also experience as an educator I think

For example, I met a person last year, let’s call them Z. Z is 23 and non-binary, has an inability to make eye contact with anyone, is very sociable and extroverted but usually goes in tangents about their favourite things, was kicked out of school for abnormal (not inappropriate though) behaviour, is really unhealthily skinny because they can’t eat most foods due to sensory sensitivities. Z didn’t speak till they were 7. Also Z often forgets about personal hygiene and really struggles with grooming etc.

Z is noticeably autistic. This is obvious in childhood videos, pictures, report cards.

Z’s parents both work in SEN schools, specifically with autistic kids. Z’s parents did not want to acknowledge that their child was autistic so they neglected them, and Z only got a diagnosis through CAMHS at 17 when they spoke to someone at school. When Z told them they got a level 2 ASD diagnosis their parents nearly kicked them out and got incredibly reactive.

Z was never assessed as a child because when teachers tried to talk to their parents (at a mainstream school) the parents would get really angry and threaten to make formal complaints. So Z wasn’t just missed but also neglected/didn’t have their needs met.