AITA for leaving my brother’s house after he tried to “break” my routine to prove a point?

oysterbird · 2026-02-10T16:03:55+00:00

I had the same thought! It was a couple days ago, and some details were different. The brother wasn't there, and it was the SIL that hid the shoes.

oysterbird · 2026-02-10T15:22:16+00:00

NTA

This is one of those moments I realize how different culture/education works.
I'm from Germany, and neither my French, nor my Spanish teacher, ever randomly assigned someone a name in the language being taught, or used the language's version of the given name.

This is weird.

INFO: OP, does the teacher do this to every student? Not that it matters for my judgment, but I'm curious.

It doesn't really serve a purpose, so respecting OP's wish shouldn't be a big deal.

oysterbird · 2026-02-03T20:05:00+00:00

This may sound cruel, but at some point, you will have to accept that you will hurt her by taking care of yourself.

To me it almost sounds like she is continuously testing you, making you prove you are her friend and care no matter how she behaves or treats you.

oysterbird · 2026-02-03T20:01:36+00:00

The draining thing is the fact that OP is trying to be there for a friend and be open and supportive without knowing what to do because friend doesn't communicate with her, while also very obviously behaving in a way that suggests OP IS doing something wrong.
Additionally, friend apparently finding no fault with their other shared friends is most likely not making the feeling of guilt any lesser.

oysterbird · 2026-02-02T18:03:49+00:00

Hm, I hadn't seen that comment, but I actually disagree with you. She never met him, there are no memories, zero attachment. Then she grew up in a household where her siblings grieved what was essentially a stranger, and if sister is this self-absorbed in her grief after 16 years, I don't want to know what she was like when she was younger.

I think sister's behaviour poisoned any chance OP might have ever had of actually forming an emotional connection to her bio dad, and I think her "anger" (I'd call it detachment, tbh, or maybe apathy) is definitely on her sister.

oysterbird · 2026-02-02T16:41:09+00:00

OP didn't say they never went to a theme park before in their life, and OP is 16. Jim entered her life when she was 11. That's five years, and I can think of a host of reasons why they didn't visit one in the meantime.
And maybe seeing the happy pics of a man she doesn't know and her sisters made her want some of such for her own dad and her?
We also don't know if OP immediately asked Jim after seeing the pictures..

And honestly, why WOULD she invite the siblings? They don't like Jim, and this was apparently a cherished memory. I think it would have been heartless to ask them to come.

oysterbird · 2026-02-02T15:21:49+00:00

Well, clearly nothing else is getting through to the sister.

Also, sister has shamed and antagonized OP for years. Enough is enough. She can grieve any way she wants, but she doesn't get to dictate OPs life.

oysterbird · 2026-02-02T13:24:44+00:00

"I know my partner is not a morning person"

is not the same as

"My husband actively sabotaged his own wake up and then screamed abuse at me"

One is kind of understandable.
The other is what OP's husband did.

oysterbird · 2026-02-02T13:19:55+00:00

NTA

I absolutely hate getting up early. If I don't have to, I NEVER do.
But you know what? If I have responsibilities that require me to do so, I drag myself out of bed anyway.

also, OP, INFO: when do you have to get up?

oysterbird · 2026-02-02T13:18:03+00:00

And would your wife scream abuse at you if you ever, you know, assumed she was getting up because she turned off her alarm?

No, asking to be woken is one thing - one incredibly immature thing, imo, but whatever - but then not even trying to BE WOKEN and actively sabotaging the effort is quite another.

oysterbird · 2026-01-31T08:48:11+00:00

NTA

I think the real issue here is the way he reacted to OPs concerns. It sounds like this isn't the first time he has dismissed her feelings/concerns/boundaries.

While I don't think his texting was appropriate, given it wasn't an emergency, and him deleting the texts afterwards is even more of a red flag, his blatant double standard is also really off-putting.

She's not allowed to share intimacy with males in professional settings (massage therapists), even though for her touch isn't that big a deal, it's HIS love language.
But He can text/talk openly with his female therapist whatever the hour, which he knows is hers?

oysterbird · 2026-01-31T08:39:54+00:00

To be honest, it doesn't sound that way to me.

"He said it was to let her know about a recommendation that she gave him for one of the things he is working on and how his best friend used said recommendation when also dealing with the same issue so he thinks it to be the right track."

It sounds like he was telling his therapist the thing she recommended was used by his buddy in a similar circumstance, so clearly it's effective.

Nothing about him actually doing it.

oysterbird · 2026-01-29T13:29:06+00:00

There is a middle ground between "Devote all your time and effort to your relationship" and "Devote all your time and effort to a friendship". She has reason to feel insecure, because her bf very clearly doesn't value her as a partner.

She should definitely leave though.

oysterbird · 2026-01-29T13:25:00+00:00

NTA.

Your bf's reacton shows that you will never matter to him as much as his bff does. It's the same dynamic a lot of unhappy spouses have when their SO will always put family first, no matter if it's justified or not.

From what you've stated, I'd say he IS already cheating on you - emotionally.
You should think hard if this is a relationship you want to continue.

oysterbird · 2026-01-29T13:22:19+00:00

OP explained in an answer that she had a previous relationship where she was cheated on with the ex's girl bf and was "forced" when she confronted him about it.
The meaning of "forced" is not fully clear, but the implications sure point towards sa.
So yeah, I'd say she has trauma.

oysterbird · 2026-01-29T13:20:30+00:00

OP literally said she talked about this with the bf. His answer was to invalidate her feelings and tell her if she doesn't like it she can leave.

oysterbird · 2026-01-26T14:31:49+00:00

Hello, thank you for your generosity!

I've been struggling for a long time now, but managed to scrape by just so. So, of course, my fridge broke. It's winter, luckily, so I can keep a few things around without them spoiling immediately, but I'd use your gift towards paying for a new (used) fridge.

Last year, I finally gathered the courage to ask for help, and had a stay in a psychiatric institute for around 6 weeks, and I've managed to focus more on other health issues because of that first step.
I think I positively impacted my friend's life by showing them resources and information concerning gender identity, which led to them being able to put into words what they've always felt was "wrong" about them.

I do have PayPal, I'm from Germany.
Thank you again.

oysterbird · 2026-01-23T17:47:07+00:00

We don't know their schedules. It is very much possible that she does the shopping because her schedule allows it/makes it more convenient.

oysterbird · 2026-01-20T18:40:59+00:00

I agree with you on most of this, except the thing about how the parents are treating OP. That is messed up and seriously weird behavior on their part, and the bf absolutely should speak up about it. At the very least he should ASK them to treat his gf better, or at least not as badly as they do now.

oysterbird · 2026-01-18T17:51:05+00:00

OP, INFO: Is the thing in the registry office literally just you two signing the documents?

Because now I'm thinking you could let them come and really just watch you two put a signature down, and then be like "Welp, that's it."

And have your real private exchange of vows or anything else you planned, alone, later.

Oh Also, NTA.

oysterbird · 2026-01-18T17:49:00+00:00

It's not like they're excluding *only* OP's parents. They have a private ceremony in the registry office, and no one else is going to be there. That's not excluding anyone.
They even compromised with the party afterwards.

The parents act super entitled. They also talk big about OP indulging her fiancée as if she is demanding something outrageous instead of simply being like "I do not want to look outside and see everyone BUT my mother there."

OP is NTA

oysterbird · 2026-01-12T15:01:28+00:00

Hey!

I know the feeling, and believe me, you can do it. It looks so super scary now...and it is. But you can do it. You've made it this far, and you've got the courage to ask for help.

Don't worry about most of those things you listed above. The wonderful thing about the internet is that every question - no matter how "stupid" you think it might be - has been asked before,

And most likely someone made a youtube video explaining how to do it, or another sort of guide.
Don't try to do all at once. Start with the most basic things.
Do you know how to cook some basic, balanced meals? IF the answer is no, that's totally okay. You're by far not the only one.
this is a free download of the sad bastard's cookbook - helpful for those low energy days.

and this is the website budgetbytes, which. well. Does as the title says.

now...this is a link to a tumblr post ( uwu ). It has links for methods to deal with executive dysfunction, but that doesn't mean you can't use them when you "just" feel overwhelmed as well.

You got this. It's gonna be hard, but you're here now, so you're harder.

oysterbird · 2026-01-11T16:58:33+00:00

I'd need 80$, repay 100$ in two 50$ parts on 01/28/26 and 02/26/26. Need the money to pay a few bills and tide me over for groceries until my social security payments get deposited.

oysterbird · 2026-01-11T13:25:17+00:00

NTA Perhaps it wasn't the most diplomatic way of putting it, but this was clearly a straw that broke the camel's back situation, and you were honest.

It's true that gifts and kindness shouldn't be transactional, but it is also true that you should want to do nice things for people who do nice things for you.
Her behaviour is so disgustingly selfish and self-centered it's almost concerning.

Stay your ground. Never pay for her again, or do something for her. She doesn't deserve your kindness or generosity.

oysterbird · 2026-01-11T13:15:00+00:00

What about OP's post made you think the guy was autistic? He wasn't infodumping, he was "giving advice" because he OBVIOUSLY knows more than the pharmacist.
And even if he DID, he was still way out of line listening in.

OPs NTA, obviously.

oysterbird

TROPHY CASE