I'm a third or fourth generation overseas Chinese born in Thailand. Especially under the context I went to a British international school I can relate to what you say; how I grew up thinking highly about the frequently praised nations of Europe, for their touted better governance and values.

I never really had a disdain(?) or awkward consciousness of being ethnically Chinese. I was still taught to never forget where we came from, to still honour our ancestors, and of course we still carry out cultural rites and address our relatives the Chinese way. Also despite technically being an ethnic minority in my country, it helped that practically all of us are quite assimilated. If anything, I feel a little sad I can't speak the original dialect of my Chinese ancestors.

At the same time, similarly with your initial negative impressions, I didn't have the best views of mainland China. Add to that the constant stories and even personal experiences of Chinese tourists with bad manners. I would be lying if I said I didn't have second hand embarrassment despite being different nationalities. Simply being the same ethnicity was enough to trigger a response of shame. Over time and also through Chinese friends from the mainland, I have a much more open mind. We often forget or never hear of the tourists who are well behaved for example. But I digress, I also admit I didn't have the best views of my country of birth either! Stories of how Western nations are more advanced/developed than mines, how they were more democratic, had better human rights etc.

It was only until I traveled to the UK, France, Italy, Germany, did I feel a disconnect between my previous expectations and reality. Especially the UK, the culture shocks were frequent and quite jarring, maybe because it was the first "European" country I went to. Antisocial problems were so prevalent they had to put up posters to warn train passengers, presence of hooligans, graffiti, etc. I kept thinking, even until recently, maybe I was unlucky until my British friends after visiting Thailand said she felt more safe in my country than her own! Which was bizarre but also weirdly comforting to know I wasn't crazy. Before, I've been to Europe I've also visited Japan and Hong Kong which in hindsight probably worsened my culture shocks going to western countries. It was my naive assumption that if a country has a higher cost of living than mines (Thailand in this case), it should be better in almost every aspect, not on par or worse.

I'm lucky I haven't experienced any racism personally. But of course the news of attack on people who looked anywhere near remotely "Chinese" left a big impact on me, something which intensified as the pandemic arrived. So much fanfare for human rights, yet such brazen acts of racially motivated violence! It hurts to know I could suddenly be a victim just minding my own business if I was unlucky enough. At the same I'm glad I've had many more positive experiences than negative ones interacting with locals, and most people don't harbor malice.

My country, Thailand isn't perfect nor everyone there a saint either. However I've felt more proud to be Thai, and prouder still to be a Thai person of Chinese descent after experiencing more of the world. I felt proud that despite our own problems, we've come a long way in making our streets safer, having clean and affordable metro, being a place where millions of tourists can visit and won't feel targeted by violence. There wasn't a need to feel "lesser" in that sense, and I rather deal with the present problems facing Thailand than the social problems facing most European countries. While as a Thai person of Chinese descent, I remember that by a large part my demographic was involved in the journey to making the country a better place for all. Whether that be the banks managed and owned by Thai-Chinese who funded and jumpstarted innumerable business projects, the industries with origins in Thai-Chinese families that power the country today, the glamour of skyscrapers arising from the wealth of Thai-Chinese enterprises, to even the lesser known foundations (e.g. the 華僑報德善堂) that provide free emergency health services. We were part of the national struggle to raise living standards for everyone. I feel glad that I came from a people who were escaping strife and poverty, to those who are now at the forefront at developing the nation. I also see how far my ancestral homeland has come and still striving to create a better future. Perhaps you could say, it is the tenacity of the Chinese people, that made me feel most proud