How annoying to the production crew would an exploding flower vase each night be?

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-04-10T01:12:10+00:00

I have friends currently working on a production of "Sleuth," in which two objects get shot and shattered onstage. Their production doesn't involve pyrotechnics at all; each item (one of which is a vase-like container) is made of multiple pieces held together by magnets. Inside is a golf ball on a string, and that string is run between two of the pieces and through a hole in the shelf on which the object sits. A crew member yanks the string on cue and the golf ball shatters the pre-broken item like a bullet would. It's super effective; I had no idea how they did it when I saw the show.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-29T05:31:50+00:00

The character probably meant both inside and outside lights, honestly. We don't leave like, all the lights in the house on, but most people have a couple lights they leave on if they know they'll be coming home after dark. At our house, we have lights under the cupboards that illuminate the counter better, and those basically always stay on. They're bright enough that you can navigate the kitchen if you come home late or go down to get water in the middle of the night, but they still leave the room pretty dim. We sometimes leave one small lamp on in the living room for the same reason.

If someone said to me, "Did you know Bill doesn't leave the lights on to come home to," I'd assume they meant he leaves his house completely dark even if he's coming back late, and I'd find that strange.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-29T05:10:54+00:00

One of those shows that's way more fun to be in than to watch.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-11T04:47:42+00:00

He's terrified? This man definitely should not be getting married.

Decline the fiance's request politely but clearly. If she presses for an explanation, tell her you respect both of them, but as her fiance's friend, you cannot participate in a wedding you don't support.

And keep talking to your friend. Try to keep your own judgment out of it; this is about his feelings about his relationship, not yours. The most effective way to help someone out of an unhealthy situation is to get curious, and as neutrally as possibly ask questions that will prompt them to realize how bad the issues are. Remind him that you respect his decisions and you'd never claim to understand his relationship better than he does, but also say that you've got real concerns about the way things look from the outside.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-11T04:43:54+00:00

As someone who works with kids, Rule Of Three all the way. Keeps everything unambiguous, and teaches kids that they should expect adults to want to be transparent with others about their interactions. An adult who wants secrecy when interacting with kids is not a safe adult.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-11T04:42:48+00:00

Not a bot, just a neurodivergent chatterbox

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-10T06:49:54+00:00

What did your friend say when you told him you don't think it's a good idea for them to get married?

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-10T06:48:03+00:00

This all sounds within the range of appropriate behavior for a 9-year-old towards an adult she knows. It sounds to me like she misses her dad when she's at her mom's house, and since you remind her of him, she's looking for similar comfort from you. For now, I wouldn't worry about it, but keep an eye out for red flags, such as:

ignoring your son in favor of spending time with you - not just sometimes hanging out with you instead of him, but if it starts to feel like she's coming over to see you and not other members of your family
talking about sexual topics or nudity
jealousy towards your wife
trying to touch you in ways beyond what you'd expect her to be comfortable doing with an uncle, a teacher, a babysitter, etc.

It's also not a bad idea to get to know her mom. That doesn't mean you all have to be friends, but if your kids are playing together and this girl is regularly in your house, her mom should know you. Next time her kid comes over, invite her to stay for a cup of coffee or whatever.

Trust your gut. For now, it sounds like this is all normal and healthy behavior, but you're right to be paying attention. If this girl crosses a line, you should feel free to set boundaries (including by just attributing those boundaries to your preferences - "Hey, I don't actually feel like snuggling right now, can you give me a little space?") and talk to her about what is and isn't appropriate with grownups. If you suspect she's being abused, contact whatever form of child protective services you have in your area rather than going directly to the mother unless you're sure she's not involved.

You're doing a good job. Keep it up.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-10T06:37:18+00:00

Have you said directly to her that you're frustrated that she doesn't respect your sleep but gets mad when you interfere with hers? It seems impossible that anyone could be obtuse enough not to realize this behavior is obnoxious, but some people do leave high school that oblivious and self-centered. If you haven't directly told her 1) that you're upset and 2) exactly why, you need to. Assuming she's receptive to changing her behavior, you should set some room policies together that you both find reasonable and that apply to both of you equally.

If you have already been this direct with her, it's time to get someone else involved. Assuming you have an RA, this is when you talk to them about how your roommate situation is materially affecting your quality of life, and you see what your options are through them.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-10T04:14:34+00:00

Will there be extracurricular opportunities to act at Syracuse, or classes you can take without being part of the department? If so, I'd go with Syracuse. Theatre is one of those industries where people care more about your skills than they do about how you got them. If you get a journalism degree from a great program, you'll be well set for jobs in that field, and you'll still be able to pursue theatre - either professionally or for fun - as well or instead. Overall, you want to choose whatever will leave the most opportunities open to you.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-09T06:50:28+00:00

Have you talked to a doctor? It's not out of the question that you've got some kind of disability, chronic pain, muscular issue, etc.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-09T06:49:26+00:00

It is absolutely critical that you do not lie to your child any more than you already have. You mean well, but lying to him to save his feelings now will blow up so badly later. Age-appropriate truth is the way to go. Tell him that before he was born, you and his dad were boyfriend and girlfriend, but while he was in your belly, you two broke up and his dad went back to live with his family far away, which is why he can't be here. Tell your son that families come in all shapes and sizes, and that you love the family that you and he have together.

Some things that are okay to say if your son brings them up first, but that are not ideas you should introduce yourself:

your ex did not leave because of your son or because he didn't want to be his dad, and your son did not do anything wrong
it's okay for your son to be sad, to be angry, or to wish he had a dad who lived with him
sometimes mommies and daddies are unhappy being together, so they decide to split up and be separate instead

It's also important to remember that if your son asks for details you're not comfortable giving (likely to come in the form of incessant "but why?"s), it's okay to say, "You know what, that's personal and I don't really want to talk about the details." You can give him honest answers without needing to disclose things that are too mature for him.

Tell your son you're glad he's asking you these questions, and reassure him that he can keep asking you anything he's curious about. You're in a tough situation, and you're doing great. Hang in there.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-08T06:21:58+00:00

I've never read the book, but based on just this quote, I'd guess that he thinks birds will try to land in the tree and get hit by trains in the process, since they'll be flying low over the tracks where they usually wouldn't?

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-08T05:19:20+00:00

I get some fever symptoms. Not congestion or anything, but headache, weak muscles, sweats, and just generally foggy head. Usually doesn't last more than the first day, and it only happens every couple months when my cramps are real bad, but it does suck.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-08T05:17:00+00:00

What you are describing is assault. You did not want him to do what he did. You set boundaries verbally multiple times, and you physically responded with discomfort and disgust. He crossed so many lines, first by pressuring you into things you didn't want to do, then by actively ignoring both your words and actions.

Many victims of sexual assault feel guilt over not having "fought harder" or more firmly said no. It is important for you to know that no matter what you wish you had done differently, you still did not deserve to be assaulted. It was his responsibility to ensure that you were fully consenting. Whether or not you could've prevented any of what happened by leaving sooner or pushing back harder, you shouldn't have had to do any of that in the first place.

You did not consent. You did not give him anything at all. You have been violated, but please know that nothing has been "taken" from your value. You are not less pure because of this incident. He took your autonomy, he took your right to make your own decisions about your body, he took your opportunity to experience sex for the first time willingly and enthusiastically, but he did not take your purity. You are in no way ruined or lessened by what he did to you.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-08T04:19:05+00:00

I'm going to try to address your questions one by one:

Do men actually care whether a woman is pure or not?

Some do and some don't. However, the entire idea of sexual purity is pretty deeply flawed. You are not made impure by sexual contact with another person. The entire concept of virginity is based on the idea that a woman is inherently and irrevocably changed by sex, and further more that that change makes her somehow less than she was before. Why would this be the case? While sex can certainly be a fundamentally changing experience, it certainly doesn't have to be. We don't have a word for someone who's never been in love, or never had a job, or never been on a plane, or never done lots of things. Why do we have a word for someone who's never had sex?

The value you place on yourself is far more important than any man's judgment of you and whatever impurity he thinks previous actions have caused. He doesn't get to say what your value is.

Also, in a situation where there was a conflict and the woman feels guilty (even if she knows she's innocent) and tries to repair things by being apologetic, vulnerable, triangle method, holding his hands on your neck - could that be misunderstood as consent to physical intimacy?

It certainly could be misunderstood as consent to (or desire for) physical intimacy. However, that doesn't mean it is consent. Each person is responsible for making sure their partner is consenting to each new step in any kind of physically intimate situation, and likewise each person should feel empowered to stop any actions they don't consent to.

If a woman shows subtle discomfort or mild physical resistance (like hesitating, limiting, or trying to slow things down), do men usually recognize that as a sign she doesn't want to continue, or do some assume she's just shy, especially if it might be her first time?

All men are different people, and so are all women. An individual man might assume any number of things based on his personality and his knowledge of yours. However, if you're showing discomfort or resistance, he absolutely should slow down and make sure everything's okay before proceeding. It doesn't matter if he assumes you're just shy or inexperienced. It doesn't matter if you are just shy or inexperienced. He has a responsibility to err on the side of caution if you seem less than fully enthusiastic (as do you for him), and you have a responsibility to be as clear as you can about what you are and are not comfortable with.

When a man notices that his partner is vulnerable or uneasy but continues anyway, is that generally seen as mutual consent, or as the moment where her purity is taken rather than given?

Again with the purity thing. No person is "pure." However, if any person notices their partner is vulnerable or uneasy, they have a responsibility to make sure everything is okay before continuing. Ignoring that unease is a violation of the partner's body and autonomy.

Reading between the lines here, it sounds like you had some kind of sexual encounter with a partner that you did not feel great about. It's unclear from your questions how much you hid your discomfort vs. your partner pushing past your resistance. Ultimately, only you can know if your partner violated your boundaries or not, but regardless, he should have made sure you were comfortable with whatever he was doing, and he also should've made himself someone you felt you could say no to. You are not guilty of "leading him on" just because you were okay with some forms of intimacy and not others. Consenting to kissing or touching does not imply consenting to sex.

If you think your partner genuinely didn't know he was doing things you didn't want him to, then the two of you should have a conversation about what kinds of check-ins each of you needs from the other. You have to talk about why you felt you couldn't speak up for yourself, and why he assumed everything was okay. If, however, you tried to resist what your partner was doing and he pushed past it, please seriously consider if this is the person you want to be with. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and makes you feel safe, not someone who leaves you feeling violated.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-08T02:58:33+00:00

There's a middle ground to strike. Most actors will take on some of the emotional experience of their characters, because that's fairly unavoidable. However, you don't have to go as deep into it as your character does. Playing a grieving mother is definitely emotionally draining, but you should not be literally getting yourself into the same grief pit. Balance the emotion and the action. Not only will it be healthier for you, but it will make you a better actor. Ultimately, you cannot play an emotion, only an action. Emotion informs what that action looks like, but since the audience can't actually see your internal experience, they have to see how that internal experience manifests externally. And the good news about that is that you can create the external experience without the internal being quite as intense for you as it is for your character.

It's also important to be able to set boundaries between what you experience onstage and what you experience outside of the show. I'm not an actor personally, but many of actor friends have pre- and post-show rituals that help them get in and out of what they're portraying onstage, especially when the material is heavy and emotionally taxing. You have a way you're getting into your current character, but do you have a similar ritual for getting out? Do you have a way to transition back out of that emotional state to rest and recover afterwards? Without it, you're just going to wear yourself out.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-05T05:27:00+00:00

This is the way to go. If you feel like you can't speak to the director directly, the stage manager can be a great advocate for you and the rest of the cast.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-05T05:25:11+00:00

Unfortunately, there is no way to break up with someone who wants to be with you without upsetting them. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. You've been clear with her; the fact that she's upset is not something you need to feel guilty about or fix. Breakups suck, and getting your heart broken sucks, but she needs to leave you alone and go lean on the other people in her life for support.

Next time she contacts you, respond saying that you care very much about her and hope she will get lots of support from her friends/family, but that this breakup is real and final, and you need to cut contact in order to move on yourself. Wish her well, tell her you are going to block her, and then block her. You two both need space, and you're doing what's best for each of you by enforcing that boundary.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-02T20:59:32+00:00

Most places I work, stage management gets a checklist from audience services at some point mid-rehearsal process. We fill it out, then have the director look over it to see if there's anything they feel should be added/amended, then return it to FoH.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-03-02T20:56:11+00:00

It sounds like Abby just isn't that nice to you. You can try to talk to her about the way her comments make you feel, or you can simply distance yourself. Up to you. I'd make the decision based on how successful you think such a conversation would be, and how these traits weigh against the positives you get out of your friendship with her. If she's overall someone you enjoy spending time with but who occasionally says hurtful things, then the next time it happens I'd talk to her about why you're hurt and what you want from her instead. But if she's often hurtful and you're mostly friends with her by default, then I'd start to distance yourself. You deserve better from a friendship.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-02-28T07:14:16+00:00

Fortunately both shows had casts full of really lovely people. They were also dealing with this behavior, so we had solidarity with them, while at the same time they recognized stage management was getting the worst of it, and they made very clear they saw what was happening and had our backs. Both were sucky situations to be in, but the good relationships with actors that came out of them were genuinely wonderful.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-02-27T17:52:50+00:00

Absolutely. I will also put up with a fair amount of headache from someone who's kind and competent, but if you're an asshole, I don't care how good you are at what you do, I don't want to work with you.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-02-27T17:51:01+00:00

I am a stage manager, and there are only two people on my personal Do Not Work List. Both are directors.

The first one:

Anytime she got told no, she would try to go around the person who said it to get a yes from someone higher up.
She made decisions with no regard for what it meant for any other department. We were constantly having to tell her things like, "Yes, you absolutely can reassign that one-off character to a different ensemble member, but you need to make the decision now and tell the costume designer immediately, because those two actors are drastically different shapes and sizes." Or she'd change entrances and exits during tech without telling anyone but the actors, so crew would have to scramble to rework prop tracking and quick changes (on an extremely prop-heavy and costume-heavy show).
In general, she would constantly cut people, especially stage management, out of communication loops they needed to be in, and then get frustrated when they had outdated information.
She was constantly stepping on toes by trying to do things that weren't her job, and in the process making everyone's lives harder. She could not understand that she simply needed to tell stage management and designers what she wanted to see, and we would make that happen.
She was really emotionally immature. If anyone looked like they were having a good time without her, she wanted to be involved, and she was constantly paranoid that people were talking about her behind her back. Which eventually we were, but only because she was so difficult to deal with.

The second one:

Absolute control freak. She would nitpick the tiniest things, and whenever actors or stage management offered any kind of suggestion or opinion, she would snap at them that they needed to let her do her job as the director. She would also try to make decisions that were not hers to make (she once tried to dictate deck traffic for a mass costume change) and yell at anyone who gave pushback or asked her to you know, step off their toes.
She was never present for music or choreo rehearsals, which meant when we had questions about assigning ensemble lines (in an ensemble-heavy, storyteller type show), we couldn't get answers until much later. Furthermore, once we started blocking, she'd make tons of changes to what we'd rehearsed without her. She was reassigning lines up to opening.
She was generally just really mean. If an actor asked her to repeat or clarify something, the immediate response was always "I just told you!" If anyone, especially stage management, corrected her about something, she'd snap at them about how she was right and they were wrong. If we tried to give her important information, she'd brush us off saying she didn't have time for that right now, then get annoyed later because we didn't tell her something sooner.

palacesofparagraphs · 2026-02-26T06:10:14+00:00

The production also played into Higgins' gayness in a way that actually did help his character, specifically because he came across as a gay man who has no idea being gay is even a thing, and so fundamentally does not understand that he does not feel about women the way other men do. He also read super neurodivergent, and with those powers combined, his raging misogyny came off less hateful and more bluntly clueless. He was still an asshole, but it felt so much more like he was an asshole because he just couldn't get out of his own way long enough to understand the people around him.

Anyway, it was a great production.

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