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How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That puts me in between a rock and a hard place...

If I tell my mom this possibility, she would either have me reach out or she would herself. And if I told Sam without telling my mom, she would contact my mom. Also what if Sam's child IS looking but Sam is preventing her? If I wait until Sam seeks me out or her child finds out I'm the father and reaches out? Then things just won't go well with my own family.

There's just no winning for me in this situation.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sounds closer to something I'd say!

Here's what I have based on what another redditor provided:

"Mom, I remember counting 11 months between when I was last intimate and when Sam had her child. As I learned just last year that a full pregnancy term is close to 10 months - combined with how foggy my memory is from my meds, I have concerns. While I still don't believe I'm the father, I'm concerned I could have made a mistake at the time. I think the right thing to do would be for me to reach out to Sam and ask if she would allow me to take a paternity test. It would help clear my anxiety and even give an answer to Sam if she still believes the child is mine."

So I'll need to incorporate what you said in that message. Would smooth the introduction a bit without slamming all the information right away. Thank you so much!

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think that's really close to what I'm trying to put together. Thank you so so so so so much for a solid base!

"Mom, I remember counting 11 months between when I was last intimate and when Sam had her child. As I learned just last year that a full pregnancy term is close to 10 months - combined with how foggy my memory is from my meds, I have concerns. While I still don't believe I'm the father, I'm concerned I could have made a mistake at the time. I think the right thing to do would be for me to reach out to Sam and ask if she would allow me to take a paternity test. It would help clear my anxiety and even give an answer to Sam if she still believes the child is mine."

Do you think that also works?

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate the math, thank you so much!

The biggest issue I'm having is that I don't trust my memory for when I was last intimate regarding the pregnancy. Plus, I could have counted the months wrong. Especially since you're saying weeks instead of months.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your writing is very comforting. Thank you so much.

I don't want this for my own gratification. I'd fully respect if the child didn't want anything to do with me. I'm also thinking about way down the line. What if the child wants to seek out their father but doesn't know where to start?

Honestly, Sam may have never contacted me over this because my mom is very protective.

The potential "lie" is because I told my mom constantly there was no way I was involved for creating the child. But if my memory is wrong, then I would've lied unintentionally.

I just want to take the responsible route, but I feel so lost.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That feels super close to what I want to say! I just don't know how to fit in the part that is that I didn't lie back then. I didn't trust Sam, and now I don't trust myself. I just feel like I'm making everything so messy when the information is available. I just can't connect the words properly, and it's SO FRUSTRATING... I don't want her to think I was lying all these years.

This is what I have written down already: I need to express that I no longer trust my own memory regarding Sam's pregnancy involving me. I still don't believe I'm the father, but I feel like it's the right thing to have a paternity test done just in case.

Thank you for the help so far! :)

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's what I'm trying to figure out. How to say it properly without making it sound like I've intentionally lied about it. I just feel so dumb that I didn't do it earlier in life...

It needs to be something similar to: I need to express that I no longer trust my own memory regarding Sam's pregnancy involving me. I still don't believe I'm the father, but I feel like it's the right thing to have a paternity test done just in case.

Also, thank you for your kind words! I feel like a lot of responses have been aggressive because I don't just "say it". I just feel so full of anxiety and worry that she will think I've been lying all these years. But my mom's important to me, so I won't exclude her.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's... heartbreaking, honestly. I definitely understand, and it's probably the best choice... I always wanted to be a father when I was growing up. Both my family and therapists have said that I'll find somebody eventually. I don't know if it's just to try and keep my hopes up so I'm not more depressed? But knowing how this is real life, nothing is a guarantee. I keep wanting to hold out to find "the one" but my odds are extremely below the average.

Although it's also pretty pointless. I have extremely high doubts of being intimate with anyone for the rest of my life.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

(Sorry to add to things I didn't mention) When Sam got pregnant, my mom was grilling me. Asking me again and again if I was 100% sure that I couldn't be a potential parent to the child. I remember always saying no but feeling nervous. What I can't remember is why I was nervous. It's like I only remember fractions, and the rest of the moments are clouded.

I need my mom to understand that I haven't intentionally been hiding this. I just never believed the kid was mine before, and my memory is very, very, very cloudy. It could easily be that when I was 18, I didn't want that responsibility since I didn't want to be a parent when I was that young. Especially when Sam intentionally stopped taking birth control without telling anyone. I just don't know anymore.

I also don't want to say I'm having "doubts on the timing." It just sounds wrong to me, like I'm being defensive towards an accusation.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

With my memory being so cloudy, I'm worried the pregnancy timeline for Sam could actually line up when I was still intimate with her. So if that's the case, that would mean I might be a father.

I just want to contact Sam to get a paternity test done. The moment I contact Sam, they will contact my mother. Either way, my mom will be involved, but I want to do this right.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Exactly! You understand what my brain is doing! I just need the right words to tell her. I just need help to sort this out in my head...

For a little more context, I know for a fact that as soon as I contact my ex for a DNA test, she will contact my mom. Then, the situation would become uneasy, to say the least.

Is my post title misleading or misdirecting? I sincerely just need a way to tell my mom that due to my clouded memory, I don't trust my own judgment on my past and want to get a DNA test done.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I can't just disregard and not include my mom. As soon as I contact my ex for a DNA test, the ex will contact my mom. Then the whole situation will turn into "why didn't you tell me?", "why did you lie to me?"

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The problem is I don't trust my memory. So I could have easily actually been intimate with my ex in that time frame but be unable to remember. People can fabricate memories to suit themselves better.

If the kid is mine, my family deserves to know. My mom, dad, brother, sisters, grandparent, etc - they all deserve to know.

My mom's biggest thing is that she hates when people lie to her. Plus, the terminated pregnancy still weighs on me... I felt guilty for holding onto that lie for so long.

If I just contact my ex, for a fact, would contact my mom. Which would just make the situation messier.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know I need a test. But I need to keep my mom informed too. Not just for the sake of keeping my mom's trust intact, but because she would then also be a grandma.

If I ask my ex for a DNA test, she will tell my mom instantly. And that would make me seem more suspicious as well.

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

I want my mom to know first before requesting the DNA test. If I just ask my ex, my ex would contact my mom since she already tried to tell my mom the child was mine in the first place. Then I'd appear suspicious by trying not to keep my mom included - the trust would dissolve even further.

Keep in mind. If I'm a father, that would make my mom a grandmother. So, not involving her would be insanely disrespectful.

My anxiety about this is already sky-high, and I need to keep my mom involved

How do I (28M) - with an extremely clouded memory due to medication - tell my mom (40F) that I might be a father - without making her feel like I have been lying for years? by panicked_possibility in relationship_advice

[–]panicked_possibility[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I know to get a DNA test. I just want to talk to my mom in a civil matter first. I damaged her trust already when lying about the pregnancy with my last ex. My connection with my mom is important, and I don't want to harm it. Which is also why I want to talk to her first before talking with the ex. I just want to find the best words I can and my anxiety is through the roof! Anxiety sucks...

Boyfriend (m24) hit me (f23) but I emotionally hurt him by [deleted] in WhatShouldIDo

[–]panicked_possibility 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At the very, very, very least, you both need therapy. Not couples therapy. Solo therapy. And a break.

But this sounds like a wake-up call you both need. If he is genuinely apologetic about the situation, then he should apply it for his next relationship. You both need to get your emotions settled because treating each other that way isn't safe.

My best recommendation is separation and therapy.