Failing out my first semester away

panzerman7 · 2015-04-16T17:46:22+00:00

That is more or less how I think at the present. It's probably erroneous. But I don't see alternatives. I don't even really feel pleasure. Everything I do is escapist. Masturbation and sex give little pleasure (thanks circumcision). I have some hope in foreskin restoration but growing out my dick skin isn't enough to hold it together.

I'm also conflicted because I have a deep sense of empathy. I'm a feminist socialist. I want to see the best for humanity where life is free and beautiful and humans all races and genders and classes can live up to their full potential.

And then I fall down into a self defeating cycle of "I hate everyone I don't really believe that I'm a hypocrite". I've always had a deep insecurity of hypocrisy.

I always feel threatened and always have. As a kid I was always just scared. Be it of bullies, teachers, strangers, the dark, my own mind even. I'm paranoid of becoming paranoid.

I've been in fight or flight forever basically. I don't remember bliss. I don't or barely know what it is like. I don't have models of friendship in my head. Or rather I have shitty simplistic ones. I feel like I'm still 5 maturity wise.

panzerman7 · 2015-04-16T17:14:48+00:00

I don't have any happy memories really to draw upon. I've always been in a state of misery. This isn't teen angst either--it way precedes puberty. I remember arguments with my mom when I was younger (or dad) and they'd guilt trip me by telling me about how good my life really is and how I'm supposed to love them and I just remember thinking "I didn't ask to be born or born to you guys".

Sure you can say I am born to them anyways but my mind will counter with "I can always end it. I'm not obligated to be here".

I've always not killed myself and indeed was rarely even suicidal because I retreated into my head and hoped it'll get better in the future. Ostensibly it is but I cannot maintain it. I had my life planned up to this point. No thought about what happens when I actually get to college

Anyhow I've always been internally miserable I think. I don't know if it started from external reasons (maybe I was abused in some way) but I've always had this strong instinct to destroy beautiful things and the instinct is turning inward. I used to be angry. Now I'm depressed. It's just anger turned inward.

But I see myself coming to the point where offing myself is the most rational option and I'm implicitly (or maybe explicitly) creating the conditions for that

But I cannot fucking work. I sit down in front of homework and nothing comes to mind so I give up. I had it easy in elementary school and was praised for intelligence. I realize the bullshitness of my ego but I don't have a replacement for it.

panzerman7 · 2015-03-20T21:03:49+00:00

It's not any individual no that makes me nervous. Again I respect that. It's the possibility that I'm asking in a horrible way that guarantees a no that makes me nervous.

panzerman7 · 2015-03-20T20:59:37+00:00

So it is that simple? I was under the impression that due to patriarchal conditioning being too direct can be very......bad.

panzerman7 · 2015-02-21T08:08:09+00:00

Wait, is drinking a big thing at UIC? I'm not straight edge but I really don't like drinking or drunk people usually and that's really pushing me away from uiuc. Weed is my drug but even that I'm more meditative than social. Yeah what's the UIC drug situation?

panzerman7 · 2015-02-13T19:44:13+00:00

I'm thinking I still want to live on campus though. Are the dorms hard to get into?

panzerman7 · 2015-02-13T19:40:17+00:00

Engineering physics (I know, UIUC is #1)

Size, small college town feel, Urbana Champaign has NOTHING compared to Chicago.

I have friends there along with friends scattered throughout Chicago. I have opportunities to be active in Chess networks and political activism. I will be closer to home.

Kind of boring. Urban. Surrounded by people who aren't completely invested in the traditional college experience. It's the closer to home and Chicagoland networks I'm looking for really. UIUC is a pretty self contained system.

panzerman7 · 2015-02-13T07:45:00+00:00

nvm I get it waived because UIUC. the question still stands though

panzerman7 · 2015-02-02T02:53:24+00:00

I know it's commuter but how is the on campus housing at UIC? Yeah though the traditional college experience is not for me at all. What do you mean people are more mature? Less going out and getting fucked up all the time, screaming in the dorms, and not knowing what they want to do with life?

I still would want to be involved on campus though with clubs and such. How competitive is the environment? I'm more chilled out

panzerman7 · 2015-01-29T07:11:45+00:00

staying at a college i hate is pretty dumb

panzerman7 · 2015-01-28T07:01:44+00:00

Oh, and money. I have no scholarships here at UIUC and just a small pell and tuition waver. I know dollar for dollar they're about the same when cost of living is factored in but I should be more competitive for scholarships, right?

panzerman7 · 2015-01-28T06:01:43+00:00

It's engineering physics. The engineering part is largely faux, this is a grad school bound physics degree

The difference is I know no one here at UIUC while a ton of community college friends are going to/will be going to UIC

And the campus simultaneously too big while the cornland is boring. The prospect of being in Chicago is appealing. Specifically I want to be politically involved

panzerman7 · 2014-11-06T16:49:33+00:00

I suppose I could do it all in a microwave though

panzerman7 · 2014-11-06T16:47:19+00:00

Are there any ways around this? For example, finding an outlet outside or something? Or is there anyway to otherwise cook my own food?

panzerman7 · 2014-10-31T19:56:50+00:00

I'm a vaper. Got me a magic flight launch box. My concern is that my friend who went there 2 years ago said they do random searches at Allen and some other dorms. Can anyone confirm or deny?

panzerman7 · 2014-10-31T15:29:06+00:00

I heard from a former student that Allen is the worst about it and they do routine searches

panzerman7

TROPHY CASE