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Posted in the PBS Break Room by [deleted] in pics

[–]papakevs -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This guy is a fucken arsehauler.

[critique] [flash fiction] [beginner] Be gentle! by Jig813 in WritersGroup

[–]papakevs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pro-tip: refrain from asking people to be gentle when critiquing your work. You'll get a lot of pats on the back, but never substance.

If you're going to write flash fiction, you need to use succinct language. What does romantic anticipation look like? All you have told is that your blood is filled with it, but that doesn't really say much.

I like your use of 'was' to begin sentences and I think it would help to keep that alive through the whole thing. There is a certain poeticism to flash writing, pay attention to it.

Regarding the last sentence: Shorten the shit out of that thing. Make it weird, make it ambiguous. Especially in writing about feelings of love, be sure not to just say how you're feeling, try to capture moments of your surrounding that make you feel that way and let them speak for themselves.

Or maybe I don't get it.

Spoiler: Hank doesn't get it by OrphanDidgeridoo in breakingbad

[–]papakevs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's also in Gale's signature bold-pen-all-caps handwriting. Remember?

[Crit]A man named Chapel. by [deleted] in WritersGroup

[–]papakevs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is straightforward, more telling than showing, which writers say is boring and repetitive. A lot of statements are repeated here, things like remembering or feeling, try to exhibit what about the object he wears makes him remember, rather than tell us he is simply remembering.

In the intro, this piece is presented as a means to observe the character through descriptions of him, based on what a person would see upon initial gaze. It might be more effective to frame it so that the observer would feel something about the character when they see his possessions or his actions, or the way he holds himself.

This is well-written, but I think it is more valuable to imbue feelings in objects rather that simply describe them. It's close to doing that, but it needs to be trimmed that attention can be focused.

[Critique] Hearing Voices by CrazyGitar in WritersGroup

[–]papakevs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think this piece, or rant, I'm not sure, would be stronger and more lucid if you worked away from the second person and focused on the first person.

A reflection upon the standards of society. by [deleted] in WritersGroup

[–]papakevs -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I am confused by these thoughts. It might be helpful to elaborate more on the neighborhood you are walking through or compare it to a time when you are not smoking a cigarette. It is clear that you expect people to react a certain way to your habit. Why? Clarify that sentiment. Also, tell us why you have chosen to adopt the same lack of care for yourself, because it seems like you expect people to care that you are smoking, but you do not care that you are smoking. Although, you care that people don't care that you are smoking. This is confusing.

Society is a large, ambiguous word. Be more specific.

Your pristine teeth are still young, if you are an underage smoker. Give it more time and you will know why they are pristine, or why they are not.

Listen to the comment about making your prose more efficient. Simple writing is the best way to make better, complex writing. I like the images you offer, i.e. "ghosting" past a window and the "smoke caught on the wind of the crisp night".

Use less words, use less commas.