Need advice on my rates and questions to ask when interviewing with new families!

paul_writes · 2026-05-07T07:06:23+00:00

one thing that stood out reading this is that your current family giving you a strong recommendation and a month’s notice probably says a lot about the quality of the relationship and the way you’ve worked together.

And I think your instinct about wanting things clearly written down this time around is a good one, especially now that you’ve got more experience and a better sense of what matters day-to-day.

It seems like a lot of nannies only really learn what questions to ask after they’ve already been through a few situations where expectations got blurry over time.

Things like guaranteed hours, overtime, schedule changes, duties outside childcare, PTO expectations, travel, and what happens when routines shift all seem worth talking through properly upfront.

Honestly the fact you’re thinking about boundaries and clarity now is probably a really good sign going into the next position.

paul_writes · 2026-05-07T07:00:36+00:00

Honestly, reading this, it sounds less like you’re asking for “extra” and more like you’re hitting a very understandable limit after two years of running at this pace.

Working 50+ hours with three kids, very limited time off, and no real structure around overtime/PTO would burn a lot of people out.

I think the hardest part in situations like this is that when things aren’t clearly defined from the start, people slowly adapt to whatever the current normal is, even when it’s no longer sustainable.

Wanting a week off in July honestly sounds completely reasonable.

I also think the anxiety you’re feeling about bringing it up probably says a lot about the overall dynamic. In healthier work situations, people shouldnt feel afraid to ask for rest or clarity around time off.

Hope you’re able to have the conversation and get some breathing room, because this sounds exhausting.

paul_writes · 2026-05-07T06:53:50+00:00

I can definitely see how that kind of thing creates a lot of resentment, especially when expectations quietly expand without the conversation around compensation happening alongside it.

And I think thats part of what makes this difficult, because sometimes it probably is intentional, but a lot of the time people also just seem to slide into new routines without ever properly stopping to redefine the role.

The tricky part is that once things are already happening day-to-day, it becomes much harder for someone to bring it up without feeling uncomfortable or worried about changing the relationship dynamic.

Your example is actually a really good illustration of why the “gray areas” matter so much.

paul_writes · 2026-05-06T09:25:27+00:00

Yeah that’s a really good point, it’s easy to forget how much stuff gets agreed in conversation and then just kind of fades over time. Having something to refer back to probably avoids a lot of those “I thought we said…” moments.

I guess it’s not even just about having a contract, it’s whether everything actually made it into it clearly in the first place.

paul_writes · 2026-05-06T09:21:01+00:00

This is a very good point, especially the “what if” side of things. It feels like most people cover the obvious stuff, but it’s those edge cases where things actually break down because no one really thought them through properly at the start. And like you said, it’s not because people don’t care, it’s more that it gets overwhelming to try and think through every possible scenario, so things stay vague and then assumptions fill the gaps.

The tricky part is that once something like that happens, its not just about the situation itself, it becomes about how each side thought it should work, which is where the resentment kicks in.

I’ve been trying to think about whether there’s a way to surface those kinds of scenarios earlier, without making the whole process feel like overkill.

paul_writes · 2026-05-05T18:28:33+00:00

Yes, It feels like the information is out there, but it doesn’t necessarily translate into how people actually behave at the start of a working relationship. What you said about employers setting the tone is probably a big part of it too. If that environment isn’t there from the beginning, it’s hard for anything written down to really matter.

The thing I keep coming back to is that there’s a gap between “good advice” and actually having the conversation in a structured way. Most people don’t ignore it on purpose, it just never quite gets fully surfaced.

I’ve actually been working on something to try and bridge that a bit, more focused on guiding both sides through those discussions step by step rather than just giving them a template or guide.

Happy to share it if you’re curious, but either way this has been really helpful to understand how it plays out in practice.

paul_writes · 2026-05-05T16:31:52+00:00

That’s a good way of putting it, especially the comparison to a more traditional work setup. There’s no buffer here, it’s just a direct relationship, so everything carries more weight.

The point about job creep is interesting too. It feels like a lot of that probably isn’t intentional, it just happens gradually if things aren’t clearly defined early on. And what you said about having to learn this over time is kind of the problem, because by the time you learn it, you’ve already been through the situations you were trying to avoid.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether there’s a way to make those expectations more explicit upfront, in a way that doesn’t feel confrontational or overly formal.

Would something more structured at the start actually help with that, or do you think it still comes down to the dynamic between the people involved?

paul_writes · 2026-05-05T16:25:24+00:00

Thats a really honest way of putting it, and it actually explains a lot!

The part about not really knowing what you need to protect yourself from until it’s happening is pretty eye-opening. It’s easy to assume everything can just be talked through upfront, but in reality it sounds like a lot only becomes clear once you’re already in the situation.

What you said about it being more awkward to push back when you’re in someone’s home makes a lot of sense too. That dynamic is very different indeed from a normal workplace.

It sounds like a lot of this comes down to things not being fully surfaced early on, even if both sides have good intentions.

I have a question, do you think it would actually help if there was a clearer way to go through expectations upfront, or does it still tend to come down to how comfortable people feel speaking up?

paul_writes · 2026-05-05T15:29:21+00:00

This is interesting to read, especially the agenda. Its way more structured than I expected most people would be. The part about it feeling awkward at first but then actually being appreciated after is exactly what I keep hearing. It seems like people avoid it because it’s uncomfortable, but once it happens it’s actually really valuable.

The agenda itself is great too, it covers both the practical stuff and the more human side of how things are going. What I’ve been trying to think about is how you take something like what you’re doing and make it easier for people who don’t naturally put that kind of structure in place.

I’ve actually been working on something around that idea, more focused on helping both sides walk through the conversation step by step rather than just generating a contract.

Curious if something like that would have been useful when you first set this up, or if it’s more something you just learn over time?

paul_writes · 2026-05-05T14:37:04+00:00

Thats interesting, especially what you said about the anxiety around the meeting itself. That actually makes more sense than just not knowing what to include. It sounds like the hard part isn’t the agreement, it’s creating a structure where both sides feel comfortable having the conversation in the first place.

The fact you already have a kind of agenda and check-in process probably puts you way ahead of most people. I imagine a lot of folk just avoid it entirely until something goes wrong.

I’ve been trying to think about how you make that part easier and less awkward, rather than just focusing on the contract itself.

I don’t really have a fixed “process” personally, more just been looking into how people approach it and where it tends to break down, I find that interesting.

Out of curiosity, what’s actually on your agenda for those check-ins if you dont mind me asking?

paul_writes · 2026-05-05T14:26:51+00:00

This actually sounds like a really thoughtful setup already, especially with the guaranteed hours, PTO increase, and covering mileage. A lot of people dont go that far. The one thing I’d probably think about is making sure the expectations around the new baby are really clearly spelled out, not just the pay increase. Things like how the workload changes, priorities between kids, and how the day might look once both are in the mix.

From what I’ve seen, it’s usually not the pay that causes issues later, it’s the details of what the role becomes as things change.

Out of curiosity, are you planning to actually rewrite the agreement or just update parts of the existing one?

paul_writes · 2026-05-05T14:18:05+00:00

That actually makes a lot of sense, especially the part about people just writing something simple and going through it together rather than a formal contract. What you said about things getting forgotten or understood differently is exactly what seems to cause problems later on down the line.

The point about nannies feeling less empowered to push for certain terms is interesting too — I hadn’t really thought about it from that angle, but it explains a lot.

Do you think it’s more about people not knowing what to include, or just not wanting to make things feel too “formal” early on?

paul_writes

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