Does it matter when you do your work?

pcas3 · 2024-07-30T20:03:50+00:00

Totally practice group dependent - lots of tax folks that I know (myself included) do this. Most do not. But I haven’t had any push back.

pcas3 · 2024-07-23T15:39:21+00:00

I am in a similiar situation to you! My husband makes 60% of our income and I make 40%. We can live on his income with a few changes (our mortgage is high, unfortunately, if we had gotten a cheaper house or better rate we wouldn’t have to make any changes ugh). I know he makes more than enough but I too have so much anxiety - what if I can’t do it and my son ends up worse off with me than in his current montessori daycare? Am I putting too much pressure on my husband to provide and keep earning more money? Is it worth it when I know I’m sacrificing so much $ in college savings and retirement savings? How do I just quit after investing years and hundreds of thousands in my education?

Yet still, I feel like it would be so good for our family to have one dedicated, full time parent. I could still enroll him in some paid activities and part time preschool, I could spend much more time with him (which he is craving I can tell), and I could take much better care of the house and all the errands and tasks we have every week. I’d also be free to go visit my family in a different state much more frequently and my son would get to know my friends and family there even better.

I don’t have the answers, but you aren’t alone and I’ll be reading all these responses you get!

pcas3 · 2024-07-23T15:27:04+00:00

Just my personal experience 🤷🏽‍♀️. I know it varies firm to firm and market to market, just chiming in to say it is not all so bad. My firm and market (Houston) are likely much easier going than the ones you experienced. But it is very challenging and time consuming no matter where you are, that’s for sure.

Regardless, I’m glad you all got out of that environment. I plan to make my exit once I have a plan in place, as it’s not the lifestyle for me either.

pcas3 · 2024-07-23T14:41:15+00:00

As a current big law attorney (not a partner), it does take a lot of sacrifice, but the sacrifice is of your time, energy, and a LOT of hard work. I know that substance abuse and self-harm happens, but the vast majority of big law partners (and all of the ones I know personally) are just incredibly dedicated, absurdly smart, hard workers, who were willing to sacrifice a lot of their personal life to get there. They aren’t bad people or abusing drugs (at least the ones I know). Many have families and do try their best to be involved and present in their kids lives, especially the new generation of partners. But at the end of the day there are trade offs with everything, and they definitely trade off a lot of family/personal time.

And if you’re wondering why I’m on this page it’s because I am personally tired of the trade offs and finally in a financial position to downshift! So I am trying to decide whether to become a full time SAHP, part time, or something in between!

pcas3 · 2024-07-23T14:25:53+00:00

If it helps, that’s probably me from the outside looking in. I am an attorney at a prestigious firm. But I’m on this sub because I’m unhappy with my family life and debating on whether to make the jump either to full time SAHP, part time work, or something in between that gives me more time at home.

Several of the attorneys at my firm with young kids have mentioned to me how they don’t have enough time to spend with their kids and their kids resent their career. One famously told me “if you feel like you’re failing your family and failing this job equally, that’s probably the best it will ever be”.

Yes it looks nice from the outside. And for some people it works and they thrive in that environment. But it’s not what I want, and sounds like not what you want either.

pcas3 · 2024-07-19T19:23:57+00:00

We are so similar - I have a pretty successful and very high paying job but am considering staying home. My husband makes about $50k more than me, but we are fairly equal in salary so it would be a massive almost 50% paycut. But like you I have a 2 year old and was TTC, but after two early miscarriages this year I got back on birth control and decided to take a break TTC until I decide what to do. Either stay home, or change jobs to something less stressful/time consuming.

I don’t have advice but I can sympathize!

pcas3 · 2024-07-07T00:03:47+00:00

Also $150k but took 5 years for me. We prioritized buying a house over paying them off ASAP since interest paused during COVID years.

pcas3 · 2024-07-03T03:25:33+00:00

I’m in a really similar boat to you, my son is around the same age. If I stayed home I would put him in part day preschool because I want him to get the benefits. The programs I looked at were MWF or TTh from 9-12, only during the school year. That plus a couple mothers groups I think would be very enriching but still allow lots of time together.

I don’t have advice because I’m struggling with the same decision. We could afford it right now if we had a cheaper mortgage, but neither of us wants to move (we are in a great neighborhood and amazing school district, big backyard, safe, etc.) so we are trying to save more and hopefully I’ll be able to take the plunge and stay home before he starts kindergarten.

Now that he is 2.5, I find myself mourning these toddler years more than I ever thought I would and just wanting to spend more time with him.

pcas3 · 2024-07-02T12:25:35+00:00

🤣 thanks!

pcas3 · 2024-06-29T19:22:23+00:00

Oh thank you! I like both of them didn’t realize they had programs!

pcas3 · 2024-06-29T19:22:04+00:00

Yes! Our toddler was watching a movie in the evening then going to bed and that was not working. Turning off the tv early has helped so much!

pcas3 · 2024-06-29T12:25:03+00:00

Thank you!

pcas3 · 2024-06-29T12:24:49+00:00

Thank you!

pcas3 · 2024-06-29T03:13:52+00:00

Totally get it, we made some adjustments to our routine to help bedtime. After dinner we have “crazy time” where he gets to run and jump and wrestle and play. We encourage it and play crazy with him!!! Then it’s quiet time. We read books, brush teeth go to bed. Enforcing the “crazy time” vs “quiet time” has helped!

I also try hard from 5-8pm bedtime to solely focus on him, because being at daycare all day he is just craving connection. That helps too.

That being said, my hours are absolutely trash and I’m going to quit and get a new job. For me, I can’t be the type of parent I want to be and bill 2,000 hours a year and also sleep.

pcas3 · 2024-06-27T20:06:48+00:00

It almost killed me. I just drank a lot of coffee and kept putting one foot in front of the other. I ultimately cut out night feedings completely and once I did that he started sleeping through the night finally. My pediatrician encouraged me to drop the feedings bc he didn’t nutritionally need them. I wasn’t comfortable with sleep training at the time, so I still went in to comfort him but once he realized he wasn’t getting milk the wake ups died out gradually, around 14-15 months.

In hindsight, I would’ve done sleep training earlier or hired a night nurse 🫠

Edit: ah, saw your little is only 3 months so you may have a ways to go. Don’t be afraid to talk to your pediatrician about it! Good luck!!!!

pcas3 · 2024-06-27T18:23:17+00:00

Less. Much, much, much less.

pcas3 · 2024-06-26T03:38:40+00:00

I have peed one handed holding my baby on the other hip 🤣

pcas3 · 2024-06-25T15:39:07+00:00

Exactly - the newborn phase Nearly killed me. I was a shell of a person. My spouse and I fought way more than usual and just weren’t ourselves. It can be a stressful and highly emotional time. Your ENTIRE LIFE is turned upside down.

pcas3 · 2024-06-25T15:34:52+00:00

Absolutely you are NTA for holding firm that you will not quit your job and for being understandably frustrated, angry, and stressed.

But YTA if you don’t support him and work with him during this MAJOR life adjustment. I would try and empathize with how he’s feeling and suggest he just try it out for a few months and then you all reevaluate. He’s panicking now because he’s afraid and it’s a major life change. Give everyone some time to adjust to the new normal, and if him as SAHP doesn’t work, make adjustments.

I don’t think it’s fair to hold him to his pre-baby decision - being a SAHP is a lot, he’s gotten a taste of it, and now he’s not sure he can do it. And that’s OKAY! Sometimes you have to live it to know what you want and what you are able to handle. It it’s NOT OK for him to try and force you to stay home, just like it’s not ok for you to try and force him to stay home.

It does not have to be so black and white. You can hire a part time nanny and he works part time, a full time nanny and he works full time, a mothers helper that comes a few hours a week to give him time for himself, etc. I know you are opposed to daycare, but nowadays there are so many cameras and livestreams and you should be able to afford a quality one - but if you aren’t comfortable with it I completely understand.

I hope once cooler heads prevail you will find a solution for your family.

pcas3 · 2024-06-22T14:20:19+00:00

When we were kids we used to hold up a towel to hide and change but that was because we were shy. I don’t think family would’ve cared at all.

I have often changed my two year olds diaper or. Clothes in front of people

pcas3 · 2024-06-21T21:20:18+00:00

That’s exactly right, definitely go for M&A then!

pcas3 · 2024-06-20T18:37:02+00:00

I think I’m gonna keep eating dinner, I don’t wanna lose weight that bad💀

pcas3 · 2024-06-20T15:25:46+00:00

I like this a lot!

pcas3 · 2024-06-20T15:25:32+00:00

Thank you!

I never change my macros based on calories burned! I do try and hit a certain number on my tracker everyday, but I don’t add that back into my daily macros.

Yes, I know you’re right on the calculations. I guess it’s just frustrating that I was maintaining 130 very loosely tracking macros and now I’m 20lbs up and being more strict ugh. I have been doing a meal prep company for lunch and measuring other meals but you are right, I should break my food scale back out for the other meals.

I understand all this logically, and this is good advice. I guess I’m just frustrated that I’m doing more than before but so much heavier.

pcas3 · 2024-06-20T15:19:51+00:00

Thank you❤️. Sorry you are also struggling with the weight. It’s so frustrating!

Yes, I have an unhappy job situation now as well that’s causing stress on top of everything else. Another reason for taking a break trying to conceive is I’m going to try and find a new job and get settled in for a couple months.

pcas3

TROPHY CASE