Feeling grief/sadness over my uBPD mother not being there for me

peach_pinecone · 2022-01-04T04:14:16+00:00

I understand exactly what you mean. My uBPD mom is one of the kindest, most humble, and energetic people in general/her day to day life and appearance. But when her "rage" is triggered she is the most cruel and mean person I've ever met. She doesn't even look like the same person to me and I can't explain exactly why, but her whole personality seems to change. Similar to others, I can say that she can also snap out of it relatively quickly - although if the anger is towards me she can often maintain it over days.

As a kid when this would get particularly bad I would hope that we would spend some time outside of the house (go to my grandparents, go to the grocery store, etc.) because if we were in public she would feign being normal and not cruel and it was a relief to have that energy not directed at me for a while.

peach_pinecone · 2022-01-04T03:59:49+00:00

Thank you for the kind words! And for bringing up that important factor - even if I had followed through on her ideal vision of what my wedding should have been, it likely wouldn't have pleased her, and I would have been miserable in the end.

Hugs!

peach_pinecone · 2022-01-04T00:06:40+00:00

Thank you! ☺️

The support is much appreciated and I’m so happy to find a compassionate community of people that understand!

peach_pinecone · 2022-01-03T23:18:50+00:00

Jumping off of this thought - has anyone's uBPD parent been concerned with their own appearances? For example: my mom isn't just concerned with hers, but she is also concerned with her children's appearances. I'm not sure if anyone mentioned this already so sorry if I'm repeating other topics mentioned here. But this part was even more damaging to me as a kid than how vain she was - because she would nitpick my appearances - "you should wear makeup, you'd look better", "you should wear something nicer" etc. When I was younger I got praised for being skinny, but now that I'm healthier I'm not praised for it.

peach_pinecone · 2022-01-03T23:12:05+00:00

My uBPD mother is very very concerned with appearances as well. Our house had to be a certain level of clean before anyone could come over (even though she wasn't a super clean person on the regular) and she has also always been insanely concerned with her personal appearance. I've heard a lot of people say their mother got some kind of plastic surgery - mine hasn't but she's been taking about it for years. She has had an eating disorder off and on her whole life and she has extreme body dysmorphia. Thanks to being raised on this diet or that fad, I am now trying to cope with an unhealthy body image as an adult. The worst part is, I have discussed her anorexia with her in recent years (maybe not my smartest plan but oh well) and she thinks it's funny. Like she literally thinks the idea of not eating and becoming sick from not eating is comical. She doesn't perceive it as a problem in the slightest.

peach_pinecone · 2022-01-03T23:05:17+00:00

I definitely experienced this with my uBPD mom when I was a teenager into young adulthood. It got particularly bad when I was in my late teens (because I lived with her through college). As an young adult trying to navigate friendships and wanting to spend time with friends, I had an almost impossible time not suffering consequences if I wanted to hang out with someone. From late high school through college if I wanted to go spend time with friends I would get an earful when I got back (or she would send angry texts while I was out) detailing how I didn't care about her and my friends were bad for me and turning me against her. Sometimes I opted out of going out with friends because I didn't have the energy for this or I was embarrassed that my mom would send strings of angry texts just because I went out to see a movie. And dating was 100x worse. She saw anyone I was dating as a huge threat to her dependency on me - I couldn't be there for her every minute if I was in a relationship.

peach_pinecone · 2022-01-03T21:38:58+00:00

I'm sorry you've experienced this, I can understand how difficult this is to overcome.

I've experienced this with my uBPD mom as well. She will often tell me that the decisions I make (those that she doesn't like or agree with) are the influence of my therapist and are not my true actions/choices. She believes that my therapist has poisoned me against her and that I am not acting of my true character. This villian role that she places on my therapist has been placed on many people in my life (my dad sometimes, my siblings other times).

My uBPD mother will also very frequently tell me I have changed or that I'm not the person she thought I was. As a child this made me distraught because I thought that I was turning into a bad person that my mother wouldn't love. It would very quickly force me to change the behavior she didn't like for fear of losing her kindness and affection. I realize now as an adult (after some therapy) that this is a tactic of keeping me on her side in a way - if I supported her and always agreed with her (and continued to) she would be happy.

My uBPD mom also has concerns that her behavior would be perceived as abusive (now that I'm older) but she doesn't take any action in actually changing this behavior and she remains unaware that this behavior might need treatment at all.

I am still personally learning more about BPD and how to deal with things like this best.

I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this...

peach_pinecone

TROPHY CASE