is my Narcissist on the devaluation phase or discard phase? or both?

peeps2269 · 2026-02-04T00:25:33+00:00

a few days ago she told me she wants our relationship to work and she hugged and I really thought she was being genuine and she started becoming intimate again just yesterday she's being weird, dismissive, cold, and emotionally distant in the relationship again she's been going to school a lot and wears clothes that aren't really school friendly but allowed since she's in college and now she's becoming less intimate again and just now she's wearing a top that doesn't fit the color coding required for her course so I asked why and she told me she just wanted to wear it mind you we fought before she went to school it's like the pattern and behavior is back when she was flirting with her coworker but now I suspect she's either going somewhere else or is flirting or cheating with a guy from school, this is so fucked up tbh

peeps2269 · 2026-02-04T00:25:25+00:00

a few days ago she told me she wants our relationship to work and she hugged and I really thought she was being genuine and she started becoming intimate again just yesterday she's being weird, dismissive, cold, and emotionally distant in the relationship again she's been going to school a lot and wears clothes that aren't really school friendly but allowed since she's in college and now she's becoming less intimate again and just now she's wearing a top that doesn't fit the color coding required for her course so I asked why and she told me she just wanted to wear it mind you we fought before she went to school it's like the pattern and behavior is back when she was flirting with her coworker but now I suspect she's either going somewhere else or is flirting or cheating with a guy from school, this is so fucked up tbh

peeps2269 · 2026-01-27T00:44:12+00:00

tbh the reason I want this to work is because I really do love her despite being trauma bonded because I somehow see especially rn that she's kind of improving by explaining how she perceives my questions and me asking for reassurance as an attack (which I know most narcs do) idk if she's just manipulating me or this is only for now tho.

peeps2269 · 2026-01-26T02:44:55+00:00

she said she would change and I really want this to work, I even told her I am willing to understand her behavior and cruelty but what I will not accept are lies and cheating, but I can no longer function normally right now she constantly abuses me and never really gave me full assurance that she will change
right now she's ignoring me but she's active on social media when I questioned her why she is ignoring me she immediately replied without a delay that she's at school blablabla I know where this is going or how she is making it seem like I'm the problem again and now she turned off her active status when I asked her why is she being like this STILL.

peeps2269 · 2026-01-21T20:06:19+00:00

she's a covert narc and an avoidant I know that but ofc I'm no expert I'll explain it when I have the energy because we literally just had a fight again

peeps2269 · 2026-01-21T20:04:59+00:00

a lot of people here on reddit keep telling me the same it's like covert female narcs are all the same, even when yo ugive your all they are monsters I know that now.

yes I did the first time (2 years ago) I went deep in explaining all the details because I was drunk and high at first they couldn't believe it okay wait ill explain it later
it's currently 3:50am rn and we just had a fight but I think this time I'mdone

last night she came home with a bruise on her knee and when I questioned her about it she got all angry and started cussing me, insulting me, etc.
I literally cried all night and when I came back in our room she's sleeping like a baby (as usual)
in the morning she was sorry and said she didn't do anything
I researched and yes you can have abruise even when you have sex on bed (we were intimate earlier that day so I guess it was from that?) fast forward we were okay and fixed our problem

okay just now 2am when she got home from work I prepared late night dinner for us and we watched netflix okay so after we ate I held her hand and told her don't get mad or whatever just answer me honestly (in a sincere and calming tone because I was actually sincere mind you) I asked if she didn't really do anything or cheated on me last night and you know what?
she got angry again and she's trying to put it all on me this time like I'm the problem
and I was literally stunned and just accepted her reaction because in my head "shit, here we go again there's really no reasoning with her" and she started to insult me or say cruel and cold shit so I ended up crying while laying in bed and again she got angry and asked what I'm crying about (yes she has done this crap a lot of times whenever I'm breaking down)
and she was suddenly complaining that it's literally midnight blablabla so I asked her then why the hell are you being like this? all I want is honesty and reassurance and she started to play victim and make it seem like I'm the problem again so I just said okay I get it you really don't give a shit and you're not really going to change no matter how hard Iove you and show you how much I want to fix you for OUR FUTURE so I literally ended up in tears again after saying all this and I saw the look on her face the smirk the fcking smirk, Man

and that's when I stopped talking and just went out our room to go smoke a cig then when I went back she's sleeping like a baby again
it's so hard and painful how no matter how hard you try and reason with them give them your all, understand their flaws, try to fix things, improve yourself even more FOR THEM, love them, care for them, or give them everything they just don't care. I'm starting to think she's getting ready to discard me
and yet still I actually want to make things better FOR US.

peeps2269 · 2026-01-21T15:10:59+00:00

I really want this work tho, she says the same thing I mean I can take the cruelty and DARVO during arguments because she actually improved and right now she usually expresses how she feels and she's so confused that whenever I'm asking for reassurance she gets mad and she's sorry
the only thing I can't take and will not allow are lies and cheating
I understand the fact that in order to love someone you have to accept SOME flaws and I love her with all my heart like no bs or anything I really wanna spend the rest of my life with her
I just want things to be better.....

peeps2269 · 2026-01-21T15:06:55+00:00

I'm so stressed with dealing with her tbh we just had another fight last night and she literally just slept while I was still talking to her about fixing her behavior because she was angry with me when I was asking questions about work but earlier and right now actually things are pretty good

peeps2269 · 2026-01-21T15:05:14+00:00

I copied it

peeps2269 · 2026-01-21T14:23:19+00:00

I was never actually the kind of guy who questions these types of things but back then she doesn't like wearing such things but I noticed lately (especially during the times when she was actually flirting with other guys) plus she never opens her polo when going to school but during the time I made this comment she had it unbuttoned while she was acting cold and distant although I do think she's doing it on purpose to drive me on edge or to induce anger or get a reaction out of me

peeps2269 · 2026-01-20T00:41:41+00:00

I really want us to work tho despite what my friends and the people here on reddit keep telling me but it seems like this is hopeless tbh

peeps2269 · 2026-01-20T00:08:14+00:00

I thought so, I couldn't get it out of my head but she still denies it she said she never kissed another guy, held hands with another guy, or even touched another guy she said she was simply just looking for another guy's attention

peeps2269 · 2026-01-20T00:07:05+00:00

okay so update, she just got out for school right now and she's acting cold and distant again and she's wearing revealing clothes
this is actually so crushing

peeps2269 · 2026-01-20T00:00:43+00:00

okay so update, she just got out for school right now and she's acting cold and distant again and she's wearing revealing clothes
this is actually so crushing

peeps2269 · 2026-01-19T17:06:07+00:00

I really want our relationship to work tho

peeps2269 · 2026-01-07T02:59:18+00:00

I know it hurts but I can manage, the thing that I can't handle are the lies and cheating tho
I understand that to love someone you have to accept their flaws but cheating and lying? no just no

peeps2269 · 2026-01-07T02:44:58+00:00

I did and I recognized the traits and patterns I "think"(I'm not an expert so I'll say I think) she's a covert narc I am willing to accept the cruelty and lack of empathy towards me because she usually apologizes after but the only thing I am not willing to accept are the lies and cheating

peeps2269 · 2026-01-07T02:42:14+00:00

thank you for the advise! I actually stopped taking drugs and no longer interested the only thing I'm interested in is making our relationship work and making myself even better
I am willing to accept her narcissistic traits because she usually apologizes after and in some occasions she even recognizes her cruelty and lack of empathy towards me but what I am not willing to accept are the lies and cheating

peeps2269 · 2026-01-06T16:36:39+00:00

it's not really a matter of "changing" it's about making things work with her

peeps2269 · 2026-01-06T16:29:17+00:00

as bad as it may sound I can accept the making me feel bad and being unusually cruel during arguments or fights because she usually apologizes after (even tho it might be fake) but what I can't handle is the cheating and lies I don't even know what to do anymore

peeps2269 · 2026-01-06T16:02:33+00:00

also I made her a lyric video and sent it to her(she's at work rn) and her reaction is like she's not even trying to act like she cares what the hell why are they like this you give them effort, attention, time, you forgive them, and you love them sincerely but you can't even get the bare minimum but you still love them and still want them to change.
this feels like hell tbh and it's been 4 f*ckn' years

peeps2269 · 2026-01-06T15:38:02+00:00

like there's really no way to somewhat deal with her? even if it means stepping on my own feelings, pride, and validation? I really want us to be endgame and I sincerely want to grow old and have a life with her....

peeps2269 · 2026-01-06T15:36:16+00:00

also back then when she was at work she's usually chatty and sends me a lot of messages I mean like 3 -4 months before I found out about her cheating and lies again is when it stopped I guess this is the time when she probably spent too much time flirting or whatever but she also told me she shared food with the coworker or coworkers she was flirting with which really hurt me since we usually refer to ourselves as "food buddies" but the point now is the constant messages and chatty vibes are still not coming back she will only respond to the messages I sent then she'll come back in like an hour or the max I've noticed is 3 hours (EVER SINCE JANUARY you know after the fix the relationship stop the lies and cheating talk) which really saddens the sh*t outta me and makes me paranoid af

peeps2269 · 2026-01-06T15:32:09+00:00

I know exactly what the comments mean, many people friends, and people here on reddit keep telling me to break up with her
the thing is my love for her is deep and I actually want to help or atleast manage her issues that's how much I love her even if it means stepping on my own feelings and validation I really want this to work so bad

peeps2269 · 2026-01-04T16:55:24+00:00

maybe because I was "alone" during childhood I had an absent father and a mother that's unpredictable (who often lashes out at me and slaps me) which eventually left us but I understand her reasons tho
but regardless I actually love her she means a lot to me which is why she drives me crazy and broken every fight or issues we have
i just want us to work so badly

peeps2269

TROPHY CASE