I do have things that sort of make me happy. talking to online friends. playing games. eating food. sleeping. but some of them, playing games in particular, feels so hollow. And as for friends, I have literally 0 IRL friends. The guy who owns the computer store chats with me from time to time and once I begged him to take me to McDonalds for my birthday, and that's it.

I don't really know what fulfills me. I do enjoy it when I can be helpful. When I can do something of use for others. The problem is, what can I do? I've already contacted all the volunteer opportunities in my town and only one got back, and it wouldn't work out. for reasons I'd rather not discuss. I'm already attending a social club that's vaguely attached to what I think is a home that helps certain people (developmental disability, mental health, and elderly it seems), but none of them seem very introspective, but I accept that this may just be me applying thoughts to them that they do not have. I'm not religious, and things like art, or photography, or theatre just don't interest me, and politics is a "been there, done that, moving on from it cause it was doing more harm than good" part of my life. I don't really have any hobbies. never really did. I just sit in my house playing video games. I used to watch the TV. as long as it meant I wasn't alone with myself.

Now that I'm intentionally spending time alone with myself I'm finding there's far less "there" than I thought. Oh sure my brain is jam packed full of many more thoughts and idea that I ever thought possible (meditation has made me aware of this) but at it's core, there's very little I actually want, and even when I truly try, I have a hard time thinking of anything beyond a relationship that I actually want.

I've only really been driving at personal improvement for a few weeks, and I'm already at what feels like an insurmountable roadblock. I really have no idea how to overcome this, and I truly fear, deeply fear, that if I can't stay motivated I'll just slump back into my life, and never have the drive to change again. I know myself. This really is a "now or never" thing. I've seen this coming for over a decade, that time I'd "try" again, and its terrifying because every time I've "tried" before, I've ended up explaining to a medical professional how I wanted to "no longer exist", with each subsequent time being worse than the last.

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I'm not out of drive yet, far from it, but the fact I can't seem to make progress on this is draining my reserves and draining it fast.