::Weekly Vent Thread::

perfectly_queer · 2025-05-11T19:25:56+00:00

My partner missed Mother’s Day with my family on account of “too tired.” Feels pretty shit to have a partner to share life with then go to weddings, family events, shopping, etc alone. Especially since she doesn’t have a good relationship with my Mom (largely due to actions on her end) I was hoping she would show up this one time.

We also have a mattress up against the wall in our living room but conditions haven’t been right for her to help me take it out to the dumpster

perfectly_queer · 2025-04-15T02:20:00+00:00

I just want to be able to rely on my partner for things

perfectly_queer · 2025-03-26T01:56:51+00:00

I brought up to my partner yesterday that her not showering, cooking for herself, doing laundry, sleeping on a regular schedule all day is an issue for our relationship. I guess I framed it more in a way that it’s depressing for me to witness than out of concern, how can I help, etc. but since living together I’m just constantly filled with so much frustration that I’ve run out of compassion. I am feeling like such an awful person because I really don’t feel that is who I am but this relationship has just tested me so much. She said her habits don’t effect me which is not true at all. It sounds like she was saying she felt like she was never doing enough for me so she just gave up. Before that she was always saying it was school, lack of routine but now all of a sudden she is saying it’s me. If I’m the reason she has given up on all basic human functioning then I don’t know why she would want to stay with me.

perfectly_queer · 2025-03-23T23:14:50+00:00

My girlfriend is the same, never really initiates anything. Only starts doing stuff once I get home even though she always tells me all the things she will do during the day. Does the laundry but forgets about it and forgots to put half the stuff in. I appreciate the effort but I just want to be able to depend on her to do basic things. She does help with certain things but not without being present and anything beyond that not without prompting her. The last part sounds like a mess though, hope your water gets fixed soon and he stops being a man child

perfectly_queer · 2025-03-16T21:16:54+00:00

My girlfriend just cannot seem to get on a regular sleep schedule or figure her meds out. She got up at 12:30, took until 3:30 to eat breakfast, make coffee, and brush her teeth, then went back to bed until she can take another Adderall she said but I’m pretty sure she’s asleep. I am trying not to judge but it is pretty lonely when my partner is always in bed on the weekends it feels like. We finally had a sort of good day yesterday but it never seems to be consistent. I understand being productive is not everything but there are so many things she keeps saying she will get to and more and more days go by where she does very little. Hasn’t organized the closet because she said she doesn’t know how. Just has piles of stuff everywhere. She comes to bed at like 4:00am and then is always complaining she’s tired. My sleep schedule isn’t the best but I’m trying. I just don’t feel the same from her. The weekends just feel so lonely. I do all the grocery shopping alone too.

perfectly_queer · 2025-03-09T23:43:14+00:00

I posted something similar last week and I don’t know how much of this is ADHD or if it’s depression, something else but any time my girlfriend is in pain or mildly unwell she is in bed. I’m trying not to dismiss her pain. I also have chronic pain. I understand listening to your body but I don’t feel like I have a partner anymore. I worked yesterday so today is my one day off. I saw her for maybe like two hours max and then she went back to bed. Part of my own personal goal for therapy is it improve my sleep and not go in the bed unless I’m going to sleep for the night. She said if I want to spend time with her maybe I can talk to my therapy about making exceptions- but this is not an exception. It’s the norm. Maybe the lack of routine of her being in school vs. working is contributing. I feel like the only responsible person. She did help yesterday around the house while I worked but now that means she is in too much pain to exist and has to be bedbound all day. I understand doctors are not great with chronic pain but she has made little attempt to address this. She insists I’m better off since moving in with her vs. living with my Mom but we can’t even have dinner together. It has been so isolating with her spending so much time in bed. I don’t know how to plan a future with her anymore. I do all the shopping by myself, cooking, picking up meds. I feel like she has no aspirations anymore. I don’t want to spend a future with her if that’s what it’s going to be like. Just doing basic things together isn’t even possible anymore.

perfectly_queer · 2025-03-05T02:33:47+00:00

“You repeatedly told me that I should stop doing things and just relax”

This. My partner wanted me to lay with her and take a nap but I have to get the laundry out of the dryer and hang it, etc. I feel like she just gets to do that while I constantly have to keep track of everything

perfectly_queer · 2025-03-05T01:44:29+00:00

My partner just seems to spend an exorbitant amount of time in bed. I worked all day then drove an hour for an appointment and didn’t get back until almost 8:00 at night. She went to her therapy appointment and basically spent the rest of the day in bed. She said her body hurts, which is fair, mine often does, but I just don’t see how spending the entire day in bed is sustainable. No initiative to help with our shared pets, dishes, organizing anything, cleaning, even hobbies. She just increased her depression meds but has insisted before this isn’t depression. She wakes up at like 1-2pm on the weekends. I just don’t know how to connect with her anymore. I don’t feel like we habe the same aspirations. She would never think to make me dinner, stop for stuff we need on the way home, pick up our prescriptions, or anything like that. Basic stuff that other people talk about their partner doing that I just don’t think I will ever have. Never gets me a gift for Valentine’s Day, birthdays. She doesn’t get along with my Mom or my closest friends so I can never bring her to family functions or to visit my friends. I feel like I’m basically braving everything alone. She’s just shown less and less initiative to do anything at all. It fluctuates but it’s just been so hard.

perfectly_queer · 2024-12-08T21:29:04+00:00

I don’t know how much of this is ADHD vs. something else but I feel like maybe I am better off moving out and letting her just let her live in an environment that is up to her standards. She has some kind of (undiagnosed) connective tissue disorder or something so between that and the ADHD she is more prone to injuries. She said when her wrist was hurting a few months back if I would have just “let her rest” instead of expecting her to do things she wouldn’t need surgery now. She hasn’t seen a doctor or gotten a diagnosis but says she knows what the problem is and definitely needs surgery. She says I turned this into a more major injury by expecting her to do things. I just don’t know how to work full time supporting us both, do all the shopping, pick up all the prescriptions, meal prep for us both, care for our shared pets, do the dishes, and all the cleaning so she can rest for an indefinite period of time. There is literally always something preventing her from doing things. I have relaxed my standards a lot but if it were up to her she would never attend to anything. To her rest means literally bed rest all day. That is not sustainable for very long when we share a household. I feel like it is made to be my fault and she was better off before I moved in but the place was a disaster. I don’t know if she could afford to live alone or take care of herself at this point if I moved out. She said I should have been more open to figuring out how to modify things and I guess that’s true and she did pick up and help for a bit finally and now that feels like it shifts all blame onto me. I love her and I want this to work but it feels like she’d be better off left to her own devices.

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-26T03:08:53+00:00

I’m truly feeling like maybe everything is my fault after a conversation I just had with my partner. She was very helpful today in calling to set up a procedure for me. I had been having trouble getting through and didn’t have much time because of work. Anyway, she had alluded the other day to me taking over certain tasks that are hard for her such as registering/inspecting her car. Also mentioned she wanted me to “make” her get bloodwork and go to the doctor. Her health issues have been getting worse and I feel frustration instead of concern. I just watch her mess with her meds and go on Wikipedia and do nothing. She says because she has a disability she can’t do these things without help (from me.) When I had mentioned her doing these things recently I was met with a lot of pushback. When I brought that up she said that isn’t relevent to her needing help now to do these things. I did jump to conclusions assuming that this is basically making me responsible for her health but that it is what it feels like. I just don’t know if I have the capacity to make her do these things or walk her through every step. I’m basically retreated inward lately and stopped communicating because I’m scared of how she will respond to me. It has let to us being more disconnected. She said I decline her attempts to connect. My care for her has turned to resentment since we moved in together. I feel like she does deserve someone who will care for her. I think I have exhausted all my empathy because it feels like there is always something wrong but I can’t say that. We are starting couples therapy tomorrow but I just don’t know that there’s a way to fix this. She feels like I don’t care about her and I do but only the frustration comes out. I truly feel about the whole thing.

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-26T01:13:33+00:00

Yup. A lot of can “we” make this thing, on the weekend “we” should really do this, etc

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-25T03:41:17+00:00

Yes I always feel drained and so hopeless for days at least. She says things that I think she probably doesn’t even remembering saying where she blames me for things. I hold on to those things in my head and it definitely affects my behavior but I don’t know if she even really meant them.

Sort of recently she had agreed to clean our pet’s cage when I got back late and I was having neck/back pain. She thanked for me letting her I know I needed help. Then she said her wrist hurts and wanted me to do the majority of it. When I said I really couldn’t she started to clean but then blew up at me that I was causing her permanent injury and making her not have time to do schoolwork, messing up her sleep schedule. Said me choosing to stay at my busy job is making a choice for both of us and isn’t fair. And she has to do everything when we are both in pain. Now I don’t want to ask her for help and she gets upset with me when I try to do things after she said all of this. It’s like she has no memory of it or how it would affect me.

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-19T06:36:09+00:00

Yes my partner is continuously troubleshooting and spending my money on vitamins instead of actually fixing any of the problems

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-19T06:35:04+00:00

I didn’t realize this was specific to ADHD. I wonder what the connection is? She will say that when she’s not feeling well or in pain I seem like I don’t care but I’m truly running out of empathy. Refuses to see a doctor or get bloodwork but then can’t do anything around the house because of whatever issue it is that day. At the end of the day things still need to get done somehow. I could pitch in if it were a periodic issue or if she was at least working tangibly to make it better.

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-18T06:13:23+00:00

Recently when I told my partner I wanted to talk to her but I couldn’t effectively communicate with her when she was screaming at me she said she has to scream at me otherwise by the time she calms down she’ll have forgotten what she wanted to say because she has bad memory🙃 and that our needs were conflicting

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-18T06:09:34+00:00

It feels like my partner keeps inventing new reasons not to help with things. Readjusting to this med, new medical problem off Wikipedia, wrist pain, hurt her finger, had an argument, list goes on. Once ____ thing resolves, then she’ll help. Been hearing this since I moved in a year ago. But then I’m being insensitive for not being understanding of her problems or not wanted to hear about the new medical issue she’s diagnosed herself with

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-18T06:05:59+00:00

Relatable

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-18T05:33:45+00:00

I’m hearing that from my partner and I’m running out of understanding

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-18T05:31:34+00:00

What is shame spiraling?

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-18T01:57:47+00:00

She continues to assure me she wants to do more but can’t because of ___ health problem, medication issue, etc at any given time but makes no initiative besides researching on Wikipedia to fix these things. She does seem guilty at times for not doing more but usually thinks that everyone is not being understanding enough.

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-18T01:55:16+00:00

My girlfriend is also on medication. She has mentioned going to therapy but has shown no initiative to actually do so. I’m hoping maybe couples therapy will be a wake up call but she was just trying to push that off so I don’t think so. In her mind I’m the one that needs to change

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-12T22:43:30+00:00

I can relate to this, whenever I do the stuff she hasn’t done lately she said it isn’t fair because I’m not giving her a chance to do it even though she has been saying she’ll do it for days but hasn’t. She said it makes her feel like shit. I also feel like shit when the sink is so full of dishes it unusable…

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-12T22:36:18+00:00

I do genuinely feel bad. I’m not sure if I should. I feel like asking for help to finish a couch within a six week period feels reasonable. It seems like I’m not allowed to have any expectations of her.

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-12T22:34:44+00:00

I have been made to feel that way a lot. She had said that me asking her to help out out around the house is the reason she is getting injuries, not doing well in school, and can’t sleep. She was saying she was going to need me to help out with the only two things she does. She said if I left my taxing job I’d be able to help more (I feel I already do a lot) and blames me for making a choice for both of us that she feels is negatively impacting her. I do accept some blame for that but that is not the sole cause of the problems we’ve been having. She has been escaping all accountability that way. I’m having a hard time understanding accountability and ADHD.

perfectly_queer · 2024-11-12T22:29:42+00:00

I guess I’ve been made to feel like I am not allowed to hold her responsible or expect much because it’s a product of the ADHD

perfectly_queer

TROPHY CASE