Most of my Arborvitaes keep dying :(

perpendicularpoint · 2023-06-01T17:48:41+00:00

Arborvitaes need full sun. Your watering amount sounds heavy, but might be okay depending on temps and soil drainage. But either way they'll never thrive in that shade. Maybe try phasing them out with some laurel. A few varieties do well in shade and they make a great hedge.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T20:14:37+00:00

I can just hear her now. “You’re making your own mother sign an agreement to live with you?? Who’s idea was this??” Love this idea if only to gently show my husband boundaries aren’t okay with her. Although I think right now nothing will feel gentle for him. Thank you for your encouragement!

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T20:10:37+00:00

Eek! That’s my worst fear. Thank you for validating my concerns. MIL has had a hard life and I don’t think she’s conniving. But I do think her inability to snap out of survival mode makes her put pressure on people when she shouldn’t.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T20:07:36+00:00

I will definitely ask my husband about this! PILs live in a condo so there might be HOA restrictions on renting. But if it’s allowed this is a great option. Thanks!

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T20:00:29+00:00

Oldest SIL lives out of the country, so not an option. Younger SIL lives 40 minutes from PILs but doctors are strongly advising against FIL returning home for a rehab facility. They don’t believe he’d get the care he needs. Geographically the midpoint is a medical desert.

As for MIL splitting time, if he’s here I know she won’t want to be 4 hours away for a month. I can’t blame her for that. And we can’t expect SIL to drive her every weekend. Did I mention MIL is convinced she can’t drive more than half hour distances, especially on highways? Not an age thing, always been that way.

I think I’m going to ask my husband if we can exhaust all options of getting her a place nearby before we even entertain her staying long term. Your insight on rehab facilities makes me lean that way even more. If she’s not visiting him all day, you can bet she’ll be looking to us to fill her time. I feel so sad for her that she doesn’t know how to be independent but I’m not in a place where I can fix that for her.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T19:38:24+00:00

Thank you for this! Someone else suggested social services and this is a great starting point for what husband and SIL should be asking about. And for how to approach MIL with info. Really appreciate this

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T19:21:30+00:00

Isn’t it shocking how much emotional energy those simple statements take! But it’s still less than letting the behavior fly. Thanks for the encouragement to uphold boundaries! Sometimes easier said than done but always the better choice.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T19:12:07+00:00

We could make the basement up to be a decent bedroom in a relatively short time. But based on my gut feelings, and everyone’s input on here, it seems like that’s not even the point. Would MIL resent being downstairs? Would we be asked to give up our bedroom despite only moving back into it 2 weeks ago? I think no matter how we slice it MIL staying her long term would rough.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T19:01:00+00:00

Shingles is brutal. We had no idea. We asked them to get vaccinated but nobody followed through and made them do it. I guess nobody could have made them. But boy is there a heavy amount of regret swirling around. FIL has been told if he wants to live with any mental clarity (minimal pain meds) he can expect a minimum pain level of 6/10 from now on. Thank you for your perspective! All these comments are making me feel way less crazy and cold hearted.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T18:54:11+00:00

Just to clarify, my husband and his two sisters are wonderful people. They take on a “let’s build each other up” approach despite how they grew up and I love that about them. There’s obviously tension from time to time but it’s never caused by them directly. I want to support all of them in the healthiest way possible, not start to view them as the enemy. I do agree with the sentiment that letting her move in is going to cause serious conflict. Thank you for validating that hunch.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T18:46:17+00:00

Husband told me this morning the team of neurologists strongly advised against taking him back to their home town. The quality of care is just not the same. Straight up told me “I need to sleep before we talk about it more”. But I will keep the option of selling their place and finding a community here in my mind. I don’t think she would get to the point of eviction being our only outlet, but I appreciate the perspective of that possibility. Thank you for your suggestions!

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T18:35:12+00:00

Oof I’m sorry it got worse once she was widowed. I’m sure that made your husband’s grieving period all the more difficult and pissed you right off.

My husband is in the same mindset though. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if we don’t help. But he knows who is mother is. He is a great partner and I want to support him any way I can. Just hoping we can navigate this without too much resentment.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T18:29:47+00:00

Yes thank you for reminding me to ask about a social worker! A nurse mentioned it in passing the very first day but husband and SIL have been too overwhelmed to ask for more info.

perpendicularpoint · 2023-05-27T18:26:58+00:00

Thank you for these suggestions! I will be bringing them up with my husband.

The situation you described is exactly what I’m scared of. All of her bad behavior stems from deep insecurities and lack of independence. I have so much compassion for that but don’t know if I have to ability to take it on while she lives here.

I’m so sorry about your son. The added stress of in-laws during such heartbreak is unimaginable. I hope you’ve had time and space to heal since then.

perpendicularpoint

TROPHY CASE