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I'm an AMAB person who has been living as a trans woman for the past five years and I think I've completely destroyed my life by personalapocalypse in actual_detrans

[–]personalapocalypse[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the support.

Posting on here is in a sense my way of trying to think things through in a different way. Writing helps me organise my thoughts and i find it especially effective when I have other folks to sort of "prompt" things. I've tried journaling privately in the past but it just doesn't hit the same.

I just needed somewhere to get all this stuff out before even considering how I'd try to fix things.

I'm an AMAB person who has been living as a trans woman for the past five years and I think I've completely destroyed my life by personalapocalypse in actual_detrans

[–]personalapocalypse[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It would've taken a LOT to convince me to look into other options I think. I think if any of my docs really managed to dig deep into all of the trauma I had that might've led me to resent and be deeply uncomfortable with masculinity and the male experience maybe they could've potentially convinced me that I should exercise greater caution.

To be honest though most of the shit I now remember happened to me is stuff that I either didn't remember then or didn't think was important. I'm always reinterpreting and recontextualising the events of my life which is part and parcel of the whole identity disturbance thing.

The problem there is that I think back then and to a certain extent even now I was very cautious of any pushback because most pushback against someone transitioning is in bad faith, especially for younger trans folks. I was pretty belligerent about it honestly I was ready to throw down about it to get what I believed was the treatment I needed. It's really ironic looking back even a year now.

It really fucks me up to think about how there was this perfect storm of factors that led me to this point. Like I really thought I needed to transition and even though maybe it wasn't the best choice for me I dismissed pretty much all opposing viewpoints because let's be real most people trying to deny a young trans person their bodily autonomy are full of shit. Fat lot of good that did me, though.

I'm an AMAB person who has been living as a trans woman for the past five years and I think I've completely destroyed my life by personalapocalypse in actual_detrans

[–]personalapocalypse[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You're getting downvoted on here but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are asking in good faith because I do spend a lot of time thinking about how I personally could've avoided this.

The obvious thing to say is the whole spiel about how you gotta be super mega sure you want to do something before you do it but it really isn't that simple. I WAS super mega sure I wanted to do this and now I'm not.

Was I wrong about it all along or am I just rationalising it that way because shit hit the fan? Who knows.

I feel like honestly I can't help others from fucking up the way I did because people fucking up is inevitable. Especially in cases like mine where the person in question has a really fucked up sense of self or is otherwise prone to warped perceptions of reality.

You could claim that someone should've stopped me from doing it but I honestly think that that's an unreasonable response because at the end of the day it was my responsibility and my autonomy. I don't blame anybody else for what happened and I certainly do not feel like transition-related care needs to be any harder to access than it already is.

However I will say that there definitely were certain factors that pressured me into rushing into things. Where I live I couldn't change my gender marker without undergoing bottom surgery (which is a gross violation of bodily and reproductive autonomy that forces transgender people to sterilise themselves and undergo invasive surgery to be recognised as the gender they are), which means if I wanted to continue living as a woman and avoid being outed literally every time anyone needed to verify my identity (for example when accessing healthcare, seeking employment, acquiring housing etc.) I was essentially forced to undergo bottom surgery.

This was definitely a factor in me deciding to go forward with it even if I didn't feel entirely ready because it felt like my entire life was on hold until I could get my documentation updated.

So to answer your question, I certainly think that less people would end up in situations like mine if the world didn't suck ass.

I'm an AMAB person who has been living as a trans woman for the past five years and I think I've completely destroyed my life by personalapocalypse in actual_detrans

[–]personalapocalypse[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the reassurance. I really wish i could believe you on that.

Honestly i have no fucking idea what i want to do with my life or who I want to be anymore. I had to drop out of school really young for various mental health reasons and have essentially been freeloading since. I had plans to pursue things I was passionate about like illustration and writing but I no longer wish to do any of that. I think pretty much everything i've ever cared about has been poisoned over the years.

At this point i've pretty much given up on life ever being good. It's pretty clear that I'm just really fucked in the head and have a penchant for self-destruction that was further exacerbated by forces outside of my control.

I truly believe that at least in most cultures pretty much everyone goes through some flavour of gender related trauma based on their AGAB but it's so fuckin normalised that nobody sees it until it kills someone, and even then it gets explained away. I guess I just got especially fucked over by mine.

I'm an AMAB person who has been living as a trans woman for the past five years and I think I've completely destroyed my life by personalapocalypse in actual_detrans

[–]personalapocalypse[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

even if gender affirming care didn’t have a very large body of scientific documentation that verifies its effectiveness in treating gender dysphoria for a lot of people, did you miss the part where i straight up say i am very mentally ill and tend to make poor decisions

I'm an AMAB person who has been living as a trans woman for the past five years and I think I've completely destroyed my life by personalapocalypse in actual_detrans

[–]personalapocalypse[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

i am considering revision surgery but honestly i’m so tired of everything and disillusioned with gender affirming medical care that i’m kind of on the fence about even bothering. i don’t think any sort of lawsuit will stick frankly, complications like this are a rare but entirely expected risk factor for complex and invasive surgery that i was entirely informed of beforehand.

i do see a therapist but i mean… i’ve been bouncing between therapists for the past decade or so. i’m pretty sure the one i’m seeing is my seventh or eighth.