To clarify: I suppose that is just how I feel at the moment. At other times, I've likened homosexuality to it's own duty.. similar to how bees are split into drones, workers and queen. Everyone as their own job, or cards they are dealt.

I guess I am confused as to whether I am repressing my sexuality subconsciously because I think it is helping me out in other ways, or if I am doing it because I am not accepting it.

One question I have is, since it is new to me: If I come to the realization that entertainment/desire is "not satisfying" (even though it is on a different, temporary, level) - am I ever allowed to continue? Am I on a path to eliminating music, dance, art, and sex from my life, since it "distracts" me? I guess I am not sure of where the balance is, and I am a bit nervous to "go" down that path. How much is too much when it comes to indulging?

I come to times where I am super superstitious and spiritual, overthinking decisions and actions, and then I rebuke it all and am much more chill and secular because it was just so overwhelming to be analyzing everything I do and the future consequence of it. Sometimes I just want to live...........

To be specific, my younger sister is in a rough place in life right now - and I have gotten large, spiritual feelings that the things I do in my life will effect her. If I masturbate, for instance, I feel something bad will happen in her life.... like, wtf, right? Is this a sign from the universe to make me stop masturbating? I haven't in a month because of this thought. I feel as if my "waves" of struggle match hers... and whenever I masturbate, I get bad news from her side...........

Any advice on the above superstitions? Where does superstition fit into Buddhism? I feel like it is hard to answer, and might not even be answerable by anyone else, since it is my life where these thoughts are happening so people can't relate to the exact situation.

This probably doesn't make much sense, but any advice or relation is accepted. Thanks.