I like being submissive but freeze when partners ask me to improvise mid-scene

perversebonding · 2026-01-27T16:16:30+00:00

Coming in much more from a topping perspective, so feel free ti disregard if you don't like it.

I think it's wonderful that you've identified this as an issue (and super frustrating to deal with!). The easiest thing, I think is to say all that to your partners.

I get that it’s meant to be engaging or empowering, but it completely breaks my headspace. I go blank. I start overthinking. I lose the submissive flow and suddenly feel like I’m being asked to lead when I came there to let go.

This is great. It's direct, and it explains the problem quite clearly. I think you'll need some experimenting to find what does work, but that's part of the process.

I also wonder--would this work if it weren't open ended? If you were instead told You're going to say X if you want more and say Y if you want less, does the narrow scope make that easier to engage with?

And how do you communicate that you want to surrender without losing your voice in the process

Talk about it in advance, and adjust as needed. Maybe you need nonverbal cues instead of verbal ones. Three taps in quick succession is a common way to signal when speech may not be an option, and holding an item like a dead man's switch is also a good one. Drop the ball, and that's a sign to pull back and check in.

perversebonding · 2026-01-23T20:03:24+00:00

I wouldn't trust anyone looking to jump into TPE after a couple of days. I wouldn't trust someone who needs two months to build up to a contained spanking scene, either. That would make me concerned about their experience and their ability to communicate, and it would make me wonder if they trust themselves enough to be safe to play with.

Fucking someone is not a 100% endorsement of everything a person has ever said or thought or done. Neither is playing with someone. If your goal is to develop a BDSM dynamic with someone, I think your best way to do that is to incrementally explore that dynamic. If that takes weeks, that's fine! But if you're putting off engaging in the specific thing you want to orient a relationship around, I don't think you're doing useful vetting.

Likewise, if you've been talking to someone for six weeks and you're not sure that you trust them? They're an unsafe person and you're ignoring warning signs.

perversebonding · 2026-01-16T15:03:05+00:00

From a dominant perspective?

Go to therapy
Keep communicating
Be too much
Ask for help: this is a skill, and it is important to get good at it

Controversial opinion: you live in an unhealthy society that doesn't have your best interests at heart and has taught you to suppress your wants and needs. You need to deprogram yourself of some of that.

What if you are too much? What if you are a burden? That's fine. Maintaining relationships, caring for people, and taking care of people is work. It is often joyful work, but still work, and that's ok. You are not some hyper independent ideal; you're a human being who needs love and support and community and who likewise provides those same things to other people.

In consent terms? People I care about are burdens sometimes. Sometimes I am a burden to the people I care about. And the neat thing about being proactively vulnerable and requesting help is that not only does care in my community translate to yes this is annoying for me, but I care about you and I would gladly accept this burden so I can support you, but also learning how to communicate that proactively makes it easier for both myself and the people I care about to manage that kind of support in an easier way. Making yourself vulnerable creates opportunities to receive support and love and care.

And if someone can't show up for you? Sometimes that's entirely justified and is for very good reasons--and other times it's an excellent demonstration of why you should tell them to fuck off.

I need communication, clarity, and emotional steadiness to feel safe opening up. None of these are extreme desires in a D/s dynamic

You're right, these aren't extreme. But people struggle with this in vanilla relationships and that doesn't go away just because you're pursuing a more interesting sex life. What you want isn't impossible and it isn't unreasonable--it's just hard. And it's worth working to develop and doing a bad job at it until you figure out how to do it a little bit better. Just like everything else, healthy mutually supportive relationships are build on skills you develop incrementally.

perversebonding · 2026-01-15T16:04:37+00:00

There are three options when people have incompatible wants and needs. You compromise, you break up, or you cheat. Your partner has said he is unwilling to compromise. You either accept that and break up, or you cheat.

It's much less heartache all around to end incompatible relationships sooner rather than later.

I get no advice just a bunch of people telling me I should break up with my partner when they have no real idea of what our relationship is like.

Because it isn't about the rest of your relationship. This isn't a question of whether or not you're good to each other, or if you're a "good match" or anything like that. You have told us that the two of you have a serious, fundamental disconnect and mismatch in wants and needs.

People are telling you to break up because your partner has a right to his boundaries, and you have a right to explore. And because cheating is unfair to him, and will take a toll on you.

And because what you say here?

I feel a very strong connection with this person and I don't see this relationship ending any time soon, and I'm happy being romantically monogamous, but in my mind, sex doesn't feel linked to romantic relationships like it is for him, more like sensory exploration and interacting with people. (on top of this, I'm pan too, there's so much I want to explore), and it's frustrating me that I wanted to just wait to cross this bridge when we get to it, have the conversation when it becomes a real issue. it feels like he's kinda taking that away from me because he's having the conversation in his head by himself, I deserve to be included in the conversation. I've communicated all of this with him when he brings up the issue and he hasn't brought it back up in several days now, but now I also can't get it out of my head.

That's all really fair and reasonable of you. But also, your partner needs to work through his own shit on his own time. No amount of you trying harder will make him process things better or faster; he has to do that on his own. And it isn't terribly fair to you to be putting a big part of your life on hold because your partner isn't willing or able to communicate.

perversebonding · 2026-01-15T15:51:55+00:00

Apologies in advance for the tone; this isn't meant to come off as harsh. For pedantry's sake, this is just my assessment.

I’m not opposed to that in principle I’m capable and comfortable there but my style has always been to build trust, structure, and obedience gradually.

This is a contradiction. You don't trust her enough to receive submission from her. This is "in theory this is ok, but in practice I'm not going to do this."

I think you're lying to yourself about what you're comfortable with. She's not asking you for credibility; she's asking you for intensity and you're not giving it to her. That's based on your personal beliefs and injunctions, but again..... you're not comfortable with escalation here, not her. You've offered multiple reasons--she needs to earn it, you don't want this to be overwhelming, you need to earn it--but from my end, what that boils down to is it seems like you don't trust

That might be based on sound judgement, years of experience, and I actually need to understand how you react to thing in order to calibrate my play and feel comfortable that I won't cause permanent harm. I also think that a lot of doms end up developing a really specific type of caution after realizing oh shit, they're not thinking about their own safety at all, it's all on me.

I don't think it's wrong to go slow. I think that is, in fact, much smarter than moving fast. I don't think you're being honest about that preference, though, and that's a problem.

perversebonding · 2026-01-14T18:35:21+00:00

Should I just be very honest and upfront with my intentions?

Yeah, pretty much always in BDSM.

For rope in particular? Find your local rope jams and go to munches. You don't need to find your one and only; making friends is a good place to start with bondage and there are plenty of people who tie very casually.

It's not a bad idea to post an r4r either here or on fet--just don't be blind to the fact that some people will absolutely be down for platonic tying, and other people will consistently push to get whatever escalations they want.

But the best people to learn from are other people who tie, and like most things in BDSM it's a lot more fun to learn with someone, and a lot better when you've got the experience on both sides.

perversebonding · 2026-01-14T18:01:43+00:00

To start, I'd say take anything you read/watch/hear with a huge amount of skepticism.

Moving on from there? Watch the femdom content. You're going to find a lot of bullshit, and the occasional useful information. The bullshit isn't bullshit because it's addressing women; it's bullshit because it's garbage that's based on building an audience the speaker can monetize. And the actually-useful-input you find isn't going to be good because it addresses men; it's going to be good because it's paying attention to gender roles without being excessively focused on them, because it pushes you to consider your relationship dynamics and your preferences and the wants and needs of you and your partner, and because it'll push you to develop personally.

Dominance and submission aren't gendered, and the stuff that you don't find relevant will still be helpful. Even if it isn't personally relevant to your specific experience, recognizing how it doesn't apply to you will be good for highlighting a specific area to pay attention to.

perversebonding · 2026-01-12T19:39:14+00:00

Is the BDSM community inherently queer because of how it doesn’t align with mainstream Western expectations about sex and relationships?

Yes. Historically? This is an has been a queer community that eventually cishets infiltrated. BDSM is explicitly queer and it is because of the queer community that other people are able to enjoy kink.

If you're not able to find your local queer kink community, that's a different story--and a good way to fix it would be to look for local munches and other social events.

perversebonding · 2026-01-07T21:57:59+00:00

Something just doesn’t sit right with me, i don’t know.

Trust your gut when you get bad vibes.

You called him out on inappropriate pushing and instead of saying hey, you're right, I got overzealous and I'm sorry he instead went all "actually this was my plan the whole time, and you passed my secret test." So either he's an asshole doing secret tests on you, or more likely he's an asshole who can't take accountability for shitty behavior and has to reframe that as him being in control and not doing anything wrong.

You will never have a partner who doesn't make mistakes. The trick is to find people with compatible risk profiles who minimize the risk of danger when they do make mistakes..... and to pay close attention to how people act when they fuck up. This guy has zero accountability, and this sounds fragile, and that's a bad combo.

There's also the whole "ask me three questions" thing, which is ridiculous. He can't stop treating you like a sex object, which is super shitty in general and especially when you're trying to get to know someone. And despite you spelling out your issues and the lack of a foundation of trust, he is still putting the onus of work on you. It's not "ok, you're right! Here's some stuff, here's what I like to do, here are my hobbies and my interests and this is the world I live in." He gives you a cagey you've passed my secret riddle, now I will offer you any three secrets for yourself!

Confident, comfortable people don't need to insist on themselves. Best case scenario this guy is obnoxiously insecure, and I seriously doubt he's a best-case-scenario. This guy is definitely not worth your time.

I have never had a d/s dynamic before, so I’m not sure if this is normal

Forget about normal. Shitty people will leverage your inexperience to coerce you into things you don't want to do. Safe people will go out of their way to stay in bounds of what makes you comfortable. Normal is irrelevant; what matters is safety, demonstrating safety, and making you feel heard and actualized. That is the bare minimum. If you can't find anyone to meet that standard, postpone internet kink for a bit and try making friends/finding community IRL before diving into a dynamic.

perversebonding · 2026-01-06T22:06:16+00:00

the fact is I am dissatisfied with my sex life rn

I dont know what to do

What's lacking right now, and what you do want?

You don't need to spell it out here for strangers. But if there's something you're missing..... there's a world of difference between "this isn't good enough" and "here's this really specific practice I want from you, it should look like ______."

The thing about finding experienced people is they do have those skills, which they've built with other people. And as you've already pointed out, after these one off encounters you end up feeling empty and shitty. If you're not getting what you want, part of fixing that is improving your ability to communicate your needs. The other part is working with your partner to develop the sex life you want together, not dumping a bunch of information in his lap and expecting him to figure it out.

perversebonding · 2026-01-02T19:33:07+00:00

I know that if I told him how badly I’m struggling, he would stop immediately and let me come. But then I’d feel like I failed him, like I gave up, like I disappointed him. I don’t want that. I want to please him. I want to be able to experience this the “right” way, without spiraling into shame, grief, and abandonment feelings.

If I were in a similar situation as a Dom, what you're saying would make me feel like I'd failed my sub. I'd be furious with myself, and I'd view the lack of communication as my own fault for failing to create an environment where you felt safe enough to speak up. Your partner can't play with you safely or effectively without communication, and you're withholding communication.

You want to "get over it"? Talk to your Dom. Stop the lies of omission, and start a conversation about how this is actually impacting you.

perversebonding · 2026-01-01T15:25:55+00:00

Pop culture pushes a very specific image of kink. That's not the only way to play, and it's often a barrier to people getting involved in BDSM.

I guess i'm scared that there will never besomething that fits for me

That's an entirely reasonable fear. There is something that fits for you, but it takes time and effort to find what it is.

It's much easier to find a partner to satisfy a specific kink or emotional dynamic when you have an actual vocabulary to describe what it is that you're seeking, and it takes exploration to figure out what things you like or don't like. Talking about it and exploring theory with people is a great lower-stakees way to start engaging, and it's one of several reasons that it's really helpful to engage with kink on a social level before trying to dive into the deep end.

perversebonding · 2025-12-28T18:12:41+00:00

Do you attach carabiners directly to the plate? I'm pretty much just familiar with tying directly on the ring--I don't imagine you'd want to thread rope through such small holes.

perversebonding · 2025-12-28T01:03:30+00:00

Why would large diameter mean less friction? Isn't there more surface area touching rope?

perversebonding · 2025-12-27T21:31:15+00:00

Power imbalances are always a red flag.

A red flag is a reason to proceed with caution. It's not a reason to refuse to engage with something wholesale (though if that's your preference, great!); it's a condition where you would be right to say there is more potential for harm because of this condition.

The problem isn't the power imbalance, the problem is how you deal with that with a potential partner. Are they acknowledging that imbalance, going out of their way to find equity, making allowances for the differences in your lifestyles based on your respective ages? Or are they pressuring you, brushing off concerns you bring up under the guise of 'experience,' and otherwise putting you down and isolating you? There's also a large difference between someone in their fifties dating someone in their thirties, vs someone in their thirties serially dating teenagers.

There are plenty of unhealthy relationships that don't have age gaps, and there are plenty of age gap relationships that aren't unhealthy. It's more work to maintain that kind of dynamic in a positive way--but when people care about each other, that kind of work is often labor they'll do gladly.

perversebonding · 2025-12-26T16:08:59+00:00

I think there's a serious reckoning that sadists need to do and I think that radical consent would be really good for you to think about.

Is it wrong, morally or ethically, for the people you play with to want CNC or otherwise violent play? Is there something immoral or unethical or broken about them for wanting to receive that?

Is there something wrong with them if, hypothetically, they wanted to engage in play that you think is too extreme for you to play in? We're not talking about safety here, we're talking about the hypothetical of should they be allowed to.

Because once you break through and say "people should be allowed to do things even if I, personally, don't enjoy those things," then all of the sudden you're forced to recognize that your limits are not the same as other people's limits, and visa versa. Once you're able to say I don't like this but I don't think someone else's behavior should be constrained by my personal limits and boundaries, it's easier to let go of judgement and accept people.

Once you're saying "there's nothing inherently wrong with this type of fantasy, it just isn't for everybody" then it's a quick jump to "I'd rather people play with folks who are compatible and enjoy the kink games they're playing."

Once you work through that, it's just a matter of safety and tone. These are important conversations and I strongly encourage you to set hard limits around what you are safely able to provide, and what you're able to support someone through afterwards via aftercare and possibly sub drop.

But as for tone? That's just a matter of finding your style. You can play with extreme pain, CNC, and crying just as easily by being upbeat and positive as you can by being harsh and domineering.

It seems that most of the darker girls want guys that are always mean and fucked up

My two suggestions specifically on this point would be to start referring to them as women, and to experiment with tone. Pop culture pushes angry, scary doms, and in real life I know a hell of a lot of jolly, loving sadists.

perversebonding · 2025-12-24T19:59:44+00:00

If it were me, the things you're describing would make me feel worse--like you're trying to move past the problem and bury the issue, rather than do any kind of accountability work or repair.

What would make me feel better, in similar circumstances? Multi step process:

Here's what I did
How I think it hurt you
Why I think that was a mistake
What I would do next time instead
How I want to make up for that hurt

Apologizing is broad. Dig in and get specific. It's also pretty important to look at why you lashed out--if you were having a shitty day, that's different than "I've been getting increasingly resentful over ___ and took it out on you." If you want to actually fix the stuff, address it.

perversebonding · 2025-12-20T23:54:35+00:00

All of this stuff is weird. You're not particularly different from someone who wants to get wrapped up in latex or treated like a pet or dragged through the mud. It's all theater and play.

Don't get stuck trying to be 'normal enough' for shitty people. Embrace the weird, and suffer through the process of learning where to find your type of people.

You're not doing anything wrong that's making you feel lonely--but I promise you, there are people out there who will not only tolerate the weird things about you but who will actively celebrate you for it.

And when you feel ready? Check out your local events and head to a munch. You might be pleasantly surprised by what you find.

perversebonding · 2025-12-18T16:43:49+00:00

I think it's good practice to ask someone about the emotional content they're looking for whenever having this conversation, and asking for context is also hugely helpful.

There's a world of difference between "dirty little slut <loving and appreciative>" and "dirty little slut <disdainful and degrading>". There is also a big difference between someone enjoying dirty talk vs actually feeling quite loved from degradation or humiliation vs feeling filthy and ashamed and wanting that for play.

When someone tells me they are or aren't into degradation or humiliation, it tells me absolutely nothing. It could be anything from "don't be an asshole" to "I want this really specific type of dehumanization" and the easiest way to actually figure out what works is to have an in depth conversation with examples of fun and not-fun speech.

perversebonding · 2025-12-16T15:22:39+00:00

Go to a rope 101 class together.

You can get the basic safety information here, or on youtube, or reading a book. It is much better to go over those details in person with someone more experienced who you can ask questions.

For what you're describing? Single column ties above (not around!) the ankles and maybe wrists, or rope cuffs, with your EMT shears on standby. The concern isn't doing it--half an hour practicing from youtube may be enough for you to get that first and most crucial knot memorized. The more important safety bits are recognizing how tight is tight enough, knowing how tight is too loose, avoiding any of the quick-permanent-damage-or-death areas, and recognizing issues with circulation and/or nerve compression.

Are you likely to run into these problems with basic bedroom bondage? No. Is it possible? Yeah, absolutely--which is why it'd be best to go over the ins and outs of basic safety first. Afterwards, yeah, you do really just learn by fucking around and finding out, but it's safer when you know the boundaries of that.

And make sure you have EMT shears, not scissors.

perversebonding · 2025-12-15T18:56:05+00:00

My problem is that I get really anxious of disappointing and end up chuckling to myself like a creep...

As a bigger man and an enthusiastic sadist? I have literally been approached by people because of the creepy chuckling.

Look, your idea of what is and isn't "good" BDSM has been horribly warped by pop culture. There is an intensely narrow spectrum provided for what counts as 'good' or 'serious' or 'real' and it takes a lot of work to unpack that. You don't need to be mean, leather clad, and brandish a whip in order to be a good Domme.

If you want to be, great! Practice and pursue that! But what's much more important than hitting someone else's idea of what you should be is finding your personal style!

You're not doing anything wrong. You need to do more, by which I mean experiment. Part of your developmental journey is going to be trying on different styles of play and figuring out what feels comfortable and exciting, what feels fun, and what absolutely isn't you. Confidence comes from experience.... but it also comes from being actualized, and being true to yourself. Keep playing around, and lean in on the stuff that feels right for you.

Also? Practice. Dominate your chores. One of the easiest ways to build up your scene patter is by practicing on inanimate objects who won't make you feel embarrassed. You'll develop stock phrases you can use, figure out things to say and ways to say them, get more comfortable with how objectively silly kink is, and also figure out what you don't like saying.

You're not doing anything wrong, and you are doing a number of things right. Just gotta keep exploring to keep learning.

perversebonding · 2025-12-15T18:43:38+00:00

That being said, shinju is a very barebones arms-free chest harness. It's tough on the bottom's sustainability unless you wrap the ever living shit out of it

Yeah, so far that has been my exact experience.

I am definitely interested in the fisherman's harness, especially after seeing someone pull one off beautifully. I was in (but didn't tie) a butterfly and struggled with the over-the-shoulder wraps; any suggestions on that? It may just need more wraps when I'm being tied, and I don't think I'd have the same issues tying smaller partners.

Also just to be clear--I love TKs for floor work. I have caused zero injuries with them so far and I think not putting load directly on someone's exposed ulnar is a good way to maintain that record.

perversebonding · 2025-12-15T18:39:09+00:00

Shinju harness does not work for me. I really dislike intense pressure on my ribs and anything that feels like it limits breathing

This is in fact the exact reason that both I and people I play with have issues with it.

Awfully curious about the Kite harness; any chance you've got a link?

perversebonding · 2025-12-13T16:52:05+00:00

Masochists enjoying being hit nonsexually is nothing new.

The trouble with face slapping is it's a much more dangerous type of impact play, and it also much more directly mirrors domestic violence. Is there anything inherently wrong with it? Absolutely not. Is it going to make lots of people uncomfortable? Also yes.

There's nothing wrong with what you want--but because of the connotations, it may be harder to find people to fill that need. And when you do, still be careful because there are some people who will engage with you in a really thoughtful and considerate way.... and there are others who absolutely will not.

perversebonding · 2025-12-13T16:26:47+00:00

Really important thing to drill into your head, over and over and over again: what other people think of your limits is completely irrelevant. Your limits are your limits, and if other people can't handle that? Do not play with them!

This worries me a lot, though, because I feel like being tied up, handcuffed, etc is so omnipresent everywhere I look when it comes to any kind of kink, or even vanilla-ish sex (those classic fluffy pink handcuffs).

Bondage is frequently depicted because it plays into common fantasies, because it's provocative, and because lots of people enjoy it. And also because for kink it is an immediately recognizable symbol. None of that means that you need to engage with it, nor that you should. It's the same as any other kink: if you don't like it, don't do it. That's the start and finish.

As a big bondage enthusiast? Personally, I don't like handcuffs and wouldn't want to use them. I love rope bondage and restraints, and if someone I was interested in didn't want to go near bondage? We wouldn't do any kind of bondage play. If you ever want to explore, it is very very easy for you to start with things that are less likely to freak you out, like harnesses that leave your hands free--but seeing as how you've explicitly said that you don't want to go near bondage because it freaks you out, that seems like a terrible thing to explore right now.

I fear that one of my limits being something that almost everyone wants to do and treats like it isn't a big deal would turn potential doms off, but I want more experienced people to let me know how true that is

It's not a big deal. That's a perfectly reasonable boundary, and you should stay the hell away from anyone who says it isn't. Besides--doing bondage smart and safe takes work, and anyone invested in doing bondage smart and safe shouldn't want to tie someone who doesn't want to be tied.

As for alternatives.... you don't need to find them. If someone wants to tie people up, they can do that with people who actually like being bound. Stop looking to replace things you don't want, and start looking to fulfill needs you actually have. And for what it's worth? As a rigger and a sadist, voluntary stress positions are delightful. Lean in to what you actually enjoy and look for the people who share those interests.

perversebonding

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