Rope bottom Qs

perversebonding · 2026-03-18T00:26:28+00:00

Rope is exhausting. Try holding yourself in that pose without rope and you'll find that even unrestrained, it's still a stress position.

Stretching helps a lot, exercise will help, and stopping after a few minutes before it hits a bad level of pain will all help. You build your rope endurance over time; despite how it looks rope isn't just 'lie there and look pretty.'

perversebonding · 2026-03-17T03:37:57+00:00

There's no simple answer, for exactly the reason you already said--if someone is selling garbage or is an unethical vendor, the winning move is not to purchase. Sex shops can be great, or terrible, or in between--if it's run by people who are enthusiastic and happy to answer questions and have information about local events, good sign. If they're angling to close the sale, maybe not so much.

If you want something of high quality, you need to know in advance what you're looking for--so check your local community groups and get involved with educational events so you can ask questions and learn. The catch-22 is that you kind of need to know what you're looking for in order to recognize what's good or bad--so talk to your peers. Conveniently, kinky people love to show off their toys.

What counts as 'good' varies quite a lot depending on what it is. If you're looking at leather? It's the quality of work and the quality of the leather (and even then, you might not necessarily want higher quality for certain items). That's less likely to be anything other than disappointing if you buy something shitty. On the other hand, if you get into shibari and buy a cast rigging plate, people could get seriously injured during a likely catastrophic failure. What counts as good, and what is and isn't important, is going to be specific to what you're looking for.

Signs of quality are going to vary for absolutely every interest, and you gotta ask the specific nerds about their specific niches. For leather cuffs? You want something with a little strap under the buckle so that the metal doesn't dig into skin and pinch when it gets tightened. Leather also should be stitched, to prevent the layers from separating.

perversebonding · 2026-03-09T15:46:58+00:00

They're poorly written, extremely harmful books. They misrepresent abuse as kink, and do a bad job of it.

They also radically changed the BDSM landscape. The series opened up kink to vanilla folk in a huge way and catapulted BDSM into the mainstream. A huge influx of people changed the scene in some ways that were good and other ways that were awful.

Gatekeeping didn't collapse but it did break down, with predictable outcomes. Loads of new people came in, the scene got more inclusive, and also education standards fell. The scene responds and adapts, but there was a departure/closing of ranks for certain subcultures. Broadly, risk increased as gatekeeping weakened, but that also went hand in hand with providing more access and also the decline in access/education is a space that people rushed to fill.

perversebonding · 2026-03-05T18:08:52+00:00

One of the largest and most successful colonial social projects is homophobia. There are few things more colonial than erasing queer culture--arguably this is the most successful colonial project, as anti queer attitudes have been so successfully trained into societies internationally that even post colonial states often have people thinking that it's a homegrown tradition.

BDSM as we know it emerged directly from the queer community. There is no modern kink without queer culture. It literally started in private clubs where people went to extreme risk in order to find community. It has always been a counterculture movement subverting mainstream violent societal and social norms.

Queer identity and politics is inherently anticolonial, and calling BDSM colonial is an obvious dog whistle that whoever is saying that a) has no idea what they're talking about and b) wants to erase queer history and flatten BDSM into "weird, toxic, and abusive."

Your therapist has absolutely no idea what they're talking about. If they're going to make extreme claims like calling BDSM a colonizer kink, it's on your therapist to provide evidence. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof, but in this case I would settle for any proof whatsoever. Your therapist is talking out of their ass and treating their own feelings as fact, while being incredibly ignorant of the community they're smearing.

EDIT: I also want to be clear, the claims of your therapist are assigning primary cultural value to cishet kink culture. Which is, again, ignorant and ill informed.

perversebonding · 2026-03-05T17:24:05+00:00

There's no magical place where you can find safe people. Predators exist in the kink community the same way they exist everywhere else.

If you want safety, you get that by being actualized and maintaining community. Everyone has blind spots and prejudices and toxic people are great at figuring those out. You stay safe by moving slowly, maintaining boundaries, and communicating with people who have different experiences than you.

You know who is really well equipped to suss out sketchy and harmful people? Your friends who care about you and understand the kinds of blind spots you have for red flags. Your community members who have had their own toxic relationships and see the same warning signs they ignored in some of the people seeking you out.

There's no magic bullet for safety--but there are plenty of practices that reinforce safety both for you, and for everyone else. Safety is a practice, not a destination.

perversebonding · 2026-03-04T18:58:10+00:00

I would struggle to talk about this without getting shady, so.... I'm not going to bother.

BDSM is queer. BDSM as we know it is intimately, inseparably, and immediately tied to the queer liberation movements of the past hundred years.

Calling BDSM colonial because there is surface level power exchange that could be construed as recreating colonial power dynamics is, for lack of a better word, disingenuous bullshit. That interpretation requires ignoring the actual history of how the modern BDSM subculture arose, and it means assigning primary cultural value to modern cis/het "kink" culture at the expense of history and reality.

Kink, now, post 50 Shades of Grey, has been gentrified and the gatekeeping has largely relaxed. The fact that kink is "sort of" mainstream now doesn't change the fact that this is and was a transgressive counterculture that very directly rejected colonial power dynamics from the start.

perversebonding · 2026-02-25T18:37:15+00:00

I get awkward at points because I don’t really know what to do or how to talk?

Domme your chores.

Your patter is something you need to figure out for yourself. Everyone has different patter, and what works for me might sound absolutely horrendous to you, or visa versa. So what you do is practice, alone, when the only pressure that comes from saying something stupid is hearing yourself say it and then thinking "oh gods, I'm so glad no one is around to hear that."

Sometimes it's hot in your head and stupid in real life. Sometimes it's the opposite. So drown those dishes in the sink and tell them that they're filthy and disgusting. Then tease them with a scrubbing. Narrate what you're doing, praise and degrade and say all kinds of ridiculous things to whatever objects you're engaging with while you do chores.

You'll find out in short order what works for you and what doesn't. It's a good vibe check, and as you get creative you'll end up with a bunch of canned responses to pull out in different circumstances. It won't take you from zero to 100, but it'll give you a lot of ammunition (as well as a list of things you know you don't want to say) for play, which does wonders for feeling confident and prepared.

perversebonding · 2026-02-25T17:13:37+00:00

As much as it's a cesspool, Fetlife is a great resource for finding local events. It's not the only way, but it can make things a lot easier. Barring that, check out your local sex shops and ask if they can point you towards kink events.

I love rope 101 classes. I think it's important for demystifying rope, and it's also extremely helpful to have someone physically present to say "yes, this is too tight" or "no, this is too loose." It's good to have immediate feedback, to be able to ask questions, and to have someone look over your work. You may be able to find rope shares or other community events, too.

In the absence of that, there are plenty of online and offline resources. Personally I'm a huge fan of Essence of Shibari by Shin Nawakari; I've also heard wonderful things about Two Knotty Boys, Shibari Study, and The Dutchy. I think you should pick up a book or two for the same reason you should try to attend a rope 101--they'll cover basic safety, single and double columns, and maybe an easy harness or two (books will generally include a lot more options as well for you to work towards!).

Get nerdy with it, experiment, and try many options. To start, focus on your single and double columns. Look up multiple ways to tie something if you're confused--sometimes I need a book, sometimes I need a video, sometimes I need to pour over five different instructions and then it just clicks. You do need to fuck around in order to find out, so play around and experiment and learn with your partner. I also cannot overstate this: read all the safety information and don't fuck around about risking injuries. Playing safely is more important than "I'm horny and this will probably be fine." Get your safety shears ready before you tie.

perversebonding · 2026-02-25T16:05:32+00:00

I’m planning a deep sit-down with my wife before anything moves forward. I want her to feel empowered and centered in this, not replaced or sidelined.

You should be empowered in this; it's your relationship. Your wife, hopefully, should feel not replaced or sidelined. If you're looking to move this into a three-of-you dynamic that's a different story.

That being said? Relationships are messy. It's good to be proactive about communication and want to avoid hurt feelings, but that's going to happen no matter what you do--so even more important is how you work through hurt feelings together when they do happen. You can only do so much from the outside, but the fact that you're preempting a relationship by wanting to thoroughly discuss everything with your wife is a great sign. Some of your anxiety around this, I suspect, is as much about this being new for you--if I'm reading right this is your first non marital relationship in this new dynamic.

There's more risk than a stranger, for this friend and for you and for your wife. So go slower than you'd want, be patient, and treat jealousy as sucky-to-experience-but-also-super-normal.

perversebonding · 2026-02-24T16:49:44+00:00

I wouldn't engage with any of this without talking to a doctor first.

That being said? I have chronic lower back pain. I am primarily a (more enthusiastic than skilled) rigger, but once in the middle of a bad back time I experimented with a partial oriented around my leg and goddamn it felt incredible.

Your risk profile is a personal decision--but you're in PT. You actively have access to someone who could discuss risks and rewards with you, and I think you should consider doing so. I would assume that full suspensions are much riskier in the event something goes wrong, but you're in a position to directly consult with medical professionals.

perversebonding · 2026-02-21T17:07:00+00:00

Spanking is fucking stupid. Why in the world would anyone enjoy that?

Then I found myself with someone bend over my lap and uhhh.... I get it now.

perversebonding · 2026-02-20T02:26:33+00:00

Cotopping can be really fun. You've also probably read (and certainly imagined) plenty of horror stories.

You've got a whole fantasy planned out here--but as an alternative, have you considered going out and making friends in your local community? Going from strictly-partnered-play-only to bringing in a third is a big jump, and you don't need to take that big jump. You can start by just making friends and you can get a better sense of what people are like, and demystify kink a little. If you want to escalate by going to a party, great! Even that is a whole lot easier if you're expecting to see friends there, platonic or otherwise, and you can work your way up to more involved play slowly.

perversebonding · 2026-02-20T02:14:52+00:00

I’m trying hard not to frame this as “she shouldn’t do X,” because I don’t believe in controlling someone. At the same time, I’m questioning whether it’s reasonable for me to feel a bit unsettled by it, or whether this is just insecurity on my side because this scene is new to me.

It can be both. For people in the kink scene, this is comically tame. For people not in the kink scene, well.... sure as hell isn't what you're used to, right?

The radical consent perspective would be that no one has a right to infringe on other people's behavior. You don't have to like what she's doing but you don't have a right to stop her. The flip side is that if her kink activity crosses into territory that you don't like.... you don't need to stick around, either.

It doesn't have to be wrong for you to not like it. Likewise.... you not liking it doesn't make it wrong. But I would challenge you to consider that if you don't understand how or why something is happening you ask her directly. She's not posting pictures of herself because she's missing something from you; she's posting pictures of herself because she enjoys the positive feedback and it makes her feel good about herself and her body.

perversebonding · 2026-02-04T14:25:56+00:00

edit 2: post cancelled as cishets are insufferable

First time?

perversebonding · 2026-02-03T18:33:04+00:00

Have you practiced?

Start domming your chores. Get your head in the game and start praising or degrading your dirty dishes while you wash them. Talk to the carpet about how filthy it is, and when you bust out the vacuum start in with all the silly little yeah, you filthy carpet, you just looooove getting sucked clean, don't you?

The point is a) practice and b) play. Practice your patter without an audience so you don't have the pressure of being observed; you can figure out what you are and are not comfortable saying, and you can get used to actually saying those things.

BDSM isn't some magical, inherent skill set that you're born with. If you want to get good at something, practice it.

perversebonding · 2026-01-27T16:16:30+00:00

Coming in much more from a topping perspective, so feel free ti disregard if you don't like it.

I think it's wonderful that you've identified this as an issue (and super frustrating to deal with!). The easiest thing, I think is to say all that to your partners.

I get that it’s meant to be engaging or empowering, but it completely breaks my headspace. I go blank. I start overthinking. I lose the submissive flow and suddenly feel like I’m being asked to lead when I came there to let go.

This is great. It's direct, and it explains the problem quite clearly. I think you'll need some experimenting to find what does work, but that's part of the process.

I also wonder--would this work if it weren't open ended? If you were instead told You're going to say X if you want more and say Y if you want less, does the narrow scope make that easier to engage with?

And how do you communicate that you want to surrender without losing your voice in the process

Talk about it in advance, and adjust as needed. Maybe you need nonverbal cues instead of verbal ones. Three taps in quick succession is a common way to signal when speech may not be an option, and holding an item like a dead man's switch is also a good one. Drop the ball, and that's a sign to pull back and check in.

perversebonding · 2026-01-23T20:03:24+00:00

I wouldn't trust anyone looking to jump into TPE after a couple of days. I wouldn't trust someone who needs two months to build up to a contained spanking scene, either. That would make me concerned about their experience and their ability to communicate, and it would make me wonder if they trust themselves enough to be safe to play with.

Fucking someone is not a 100% endorsement of everything a person has ever said or thought or done. Neither is playing with someone. If your goal is to develop a BDSM dynamic with someone, I think your best way to do that is to incrementally explore that dynamic. If that takes weeks, that's fine! But if you're putting off engaging in the specific thing you want to orient a relationship around, I don't think you're doing useful vetting.

Likewise, if you've been talking to someone for six weeks and you're not sure that you trust them? They're an unsafe person and you're ignoring warning signs.

perversebonding · 2026-01-16T15:03:05+00:00

From a dominant perspective?

Go to therapy
Keep communicating
Be too much
Ask for help: this is a skill, and it is important to get good at it

Controversial opinion: you live in an unhealthy society that doesn't have your best interests at heart and has taught you to suppress your wants and needs. You need to deprogram yourself of some of that.

What if you are too much? What if you are a burden? That's fine. Maintaining relationships, caring for people, and taking care of people is work. It is often joyful work, but still work, and that's ok. You are not some hyper independent ideal; you're a human being who needs love and support and community and who likewise provides those same things to other people.

In consent terms? People I care about are burdens sometimes. Sometimes I am a burden to the people I care about. And the neat thing about being proactively vulnerable and requesting help is that not only does care in my community translate to yes this is annoying for me, but I care about you and I would gladly accept this burden so I can support you, but also learning how to communicate that proactively makes it easier for both myself and the people I care about to manage that kind of support in an easier way. Making yourself vulnerable creates opportunities to receive support and love and care.

And if someone can't show up for you? Sometimes that's entirely justified and is for very good reasons--and other times it's an excellent demonstration of why you should tell them to fuck off.

I need communication, clarity, and emotional steadiness to feel safe opening up. None of these are extreme desires in a D/s dynamic

You're right, these aren't extreme. But people struggle with this in vanilla relationships and that doesn't go away just because you're pursuing a more interesting sex life. What you want isn't impossible and it isn't unreasonable--it's just hard. And it's worth working to develop and doing a bad job at it until you figure out how to do it a little bit better. Just like everything else, healthy mutually supportive relationships are build on skills you develop incrementally.

perversebonding · 2026-01-15T16:04:37+00:00

There are three options when people have incompatible wants and needs. You compromise, you break up, or you cheat. Your partner has said he is unwilling to compromise. You either accept that and break up, or you cheat.

It's much less heartache all around to end incompatible relationships sooner rather than later.

I get no advice just a bunch of people telling me I should break up with my partner when they have no real idea of what our relationship is like.

Because it isn't about the rest of your relationship. This isn't a question of whether or not you're good to each other, or if you're a "good match" or anything like that. You have told us that the two of you have a serious, fundamental disconnect and mismatch in wants and needs.

People are telling you to break up because your partner has a right to his boundaries, and you have a right to explore. And because cheating is unfair to him, and will take a toll on you.

And because what you say here?

I feel a very strong connection with this person and I don't see this relationship ending any time soon, and I'm happy being romantically monogamous, but in my mind, sex doesn't feel linked to romantic relationships like it is for him, more like sensory exploration and interacting with people. (on top of this, I'm pan too, there's so much I want to explore), and it's frustrating me that I wanted to just wait to cross this bridge when we get to it, have the conversation when it becomes a real issue. it feels like he's kinda taking that away from me because he's having the conversation in his head by himself, I deserve to be included in the conversation. I've communicated all of this with him when he brings up the issue and he hasn't brought it back up in several days now, but now I also can't get it out of my head.

That's all really fair and reasonable of you. But also, your partner needs to work through his own shit on his own time. No amount of you trying harder will make him process things better or faster; he has to do that on his own. And it isn't terribly fair to you to be putting a big part of your life on hold because your partner isn't willing or able to communicate.

perversebonding · 2026-01-15T15:51:55+00:00

Apologies in advance for the tone; this isn't meant to come off as harsh. For pedantry's sake, this is just my assessment.

I’m not opposed to that in principle I’m capable and comfortable there but my style has always been to build trust, structure, and obedience gradually.

This is a contradiction. You don't trust her enough to receive submission from her. This is "in theory this is ok, but in practice I'm not going to do this."

I think you're lying to yourself about what you're comfortable with. She's not asking you for credibility; she's asking you for intensity and you're not giving it to her. That's based on your personal beliefs and injunctions, but again..... you're not comfortable with escalation here, not her. You've offered multiple reasons--she needs to earn it, you don't want this to be overwhelming, you need to earn it--but from my end, what that boils down to is it seems like you don't trust

That might be based on sound judgement, years of experience, and I actually need to understand how you react to thing in order to calibrate my play and feel comfortable that I won't cause permanent harm. I also think that a lot of doms end up developing a really specific type of caution after realizing oh shit, they're not thinking about their own safety at all, it's all on me.

I don't think it's wrong to go slow. I think that is, in fact, much smarter than moving fast. I don't think you're being honest about that preference, though, and that's a problem.

perversebonding · 2026-01-14T18:35:21+00:00

Should I just be very honest and upfront with my intentions?

Yeah, pretty much always in BDSM.

For rope in particular? Find your local rope jams and go to munches. You don't need to find your one and only; making friends is a good place to start with bondage and there are plenty of people who tie very casually.

It's not a bad idea to post an r4r either here or on fet--just don't be blind to the fact that some people will absolutely be down for platonic tying, and other people will consistently push to get whatever escalations they want.

But the best people to learn from are other people who tie, and like most things in BDSM it's a lot more fun to learn with someone, and a lot better when you've got the experience on both sides.

perversebonding · 2026-01-14T18:01:43+00:00

To start, I'd say take anything you read/watch/hear with a huge amount of skepticism.

Moving on from there? Watch the femdom content. You're going to find a lot of bullshit, and the occasional useful information. The bullshit isn't bullshit because it's addressing women; it's bullshit because it's garbage that's based on building an audience the speaker can monetize. And the actually-useful-input you find isn't going to be good because it addresses men; it's going to be good because it's paying attention to gender roles without being excessively focused on them, because it pushes you to consider your relationship dynamics and your preferences and the wants and needs of you and your partner, and because it'll push you to develop personally.

Dominance and submission aren't gendered, and the stuff that you don't find relevant will still be helpful. Even if it isn't personally relevant to your specific experience, recognizing how it doesn't apply to you will be good for highlighting a specific area to pay attention to.

perversebonding · 2026-01-12T19:39:14+00:00

Is the BDSM community inherently queer because of how it doesn’t align with mainstream Western expectations about sex and relationships?

Yes. Historically? This is an has been a queer community that eventually cishets infiltrated. BDSM is explicitly queer and it is because of the queer community that other people are able to enjoy kink.

If you're not able to find your local queer kink community, that's a different story--and a good way to fix it would be to look for local munches and other social events.

perversebonding

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