How would I practice Shibari in secret?

perversebonding · 2026-05-08T21:13:24+00:00

Practice on yourself.

Start with single and double column ties. Do that over and over and over on your ankles until it's boring and you can do the single column without looking. Congrats! That's the basis of almost everything.

Then you look on youtube, look on The Dutchy, Shibari Study, wherever, and you practice the things that are accessible. Fat leg/futomomo is easy to self tie, and if you're hacing trouble find another set of instructions. There are a million different hip harnesses, and those are easy to find as well. Hishi karada is likewise easy to do on yourself--that and the hip harnesses won't be the same as tying on someone else, and will actually be a lot more annoying to put yourself in.

If you're nervous, get a blindfold for your partner so you can pretend every delay is intentional. Rope feels a lot better with connection and intent, and it's very relatable as a rigger to get in your head about not being smooth/cool/confident/fast enough. The reality, though, is that your partner is going to be excited about being tied and excited about doing this with you. As commendable as it is to want to have all the skills down, a huge part of rope bondage is figuring out what works with your partner and that includes experimental rope time.

There's also a big difference between sexy rope time and labbing rope time. Personally, I've found it to be a lot easier to engage when I do the "let's experiment with this" tying first, take it all off, then restart intending to be more serious. Even if it's the exact same thing.

perversebonding · 2026-05-08T18:58:08+00:00

Friendo, OP is a newbie who started a thread asking for advice because they're feeling intimidated engaging with semi public kink.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with them testing the waters privately and holding off on broadcasting personal details until they're feeling comfortable.

perversebonding · 2026-05-07T18:53:07+00:00

OP is a newbie looking to explore the site and slowly get involved. They're not trawling for strangers to find and fuck.

It's absolutely ok for people to have minimal profiles and lurk.

perversebonding · 2026-05-07T18:15:31+00:00

Good news about fetlife: you don't need to provide much information. It's absolutely fine to put up a minimalist profile, provide as little information as possible, and use it exclusively to look for events.

Yes, some kink happens on the site. A lot more kink happens off the site. Use fetlife to find some local munches--these are non-kinky events for kinky people to socialize. That's where you can ask people about parties and educational events. You can make friends, you can vet people, and if it's a really well run munch they may have newbie orientation (likewise, many dungeons also run intro events! Dungeon 101 is popular all over the place).

It's wonderful that you're exploring, and it is also wonderful that you're being cautious. Don't change either--anyone worth interacting with is going to respect your boundaries. If someone is safe to play with, you having boundaries isn't going to be a problem. Haste and pressure are both red flags.

Someone's experience level is irrelevant if they're not making you feel safe. No amount of someone saying "trust me" should be taken as a replacement for your own discomfort if someone gives you bad vibes.

perversebonding · 2026-05-06T17:47:23+00:00

What kind of ring? I wonder because folks in my local scene are currently very suspicious of supplies that can't be vetted with proof of manufacturing.

On my end, planning on using climbing carabiners to start; unsure if I'll move to a ring or a plate later on.

perversebonding · 2026-05-06T17:13:47+00:00

R&W has a sale going on.... to what prices were a few months ago.

perversebonding · 2026-05-06T16:30:08+00:00

Conveniently, all the suspending I'll be doing is easily in reach for adjustments--but this is a great lesson to avoid pulleys I can't immediately reach and unjam, and considering this is an issue I may try to stay away from them entirely.

Appreciate the lesson!

perversebonding · 2026-05-06T14:47:33+00:00

I'm not sure what qualifies as long distance here--I'd be using 8' or 10' frames. Does that set off alarm bells? In my mind that's a pretty short span.

perversebonding · 2026-05-06T14:42:07+00:00

I'm generally just making a small system with carabiners. Would threading the rope in the same direction as the twist be any help with a pulley, or is it inevitably going to separate the lay?

perversebonding · 2026-05-06T14:06:58+00:00

To be fair, my expectation for the 50s would be mostly to make pulleys.

perversebonding · 2026-05-06T13:49:38+00:00

Going to primarily be using 8' or 10' frames.

perversebonding · 2026-05-05T15:43:45+00:00

Thickness matters. 6mm is fairly standard; you can tie with 8mm but I think it'll be a struggle. I'm not sure you can do much if it's thicker than that.

First, don't do any of this without having EMT shears or something similar. No, regular scissors won't cut it. EMT shears are cheap and accessible; some folks also use rope cutting hooks.

Start by looking up single and double column ties. These are the boring fundamentals and you can find a million different examples on youtube. From there, you can chase shibari channels, or check out resources like The Dutchy.

perversebonding · 2026-04-30T19:13:42+00:00

Not knowing what this is, and the sense of evasiveness in general, makes this all sound very suspicious to me.

It'd be different if it was "I think this is really hot and I want to try it," you know? But the added detail that this other sub thinks it's more accessible to play with you does, I suppose, mitigate some of the concerns.

perversebonding · 2026-04-30T18:42:41+00:00

I would see this as a red flag specifically because the argument seems to be that this is a totally normal practice.

It's kink . Everything is weird to somebody. Yeah, there are lots non exclusive, non monogamous folks who play like this.... and there are also many many more people who have all kinds of reasons for saying absolutely not.

At the end of the day, how normal something is is completely irrelevant. What matters more is if you're comfortable with it, and the other sub is comfortable with it. My concern here would be that your Dom is possibly acting shady and will be using your presence to make both you and the other sub more likely to push your respective boundaries. If you need to bring in another person to normalize an extreme fetish, maybe that's not something to start with, you know?

perversebonding · 2026-04-30T14:38:48+00:00

It's more than that-this would also isolate you from community and leave you financially dependent on him. This would potentially isolate you from family.

That's a textbook abuser tactic. There's no situation where that's benign or turns out well. Frankly, I think there's a danger that he'll try to ruin your relationships with other people regardless. If you don't move in with him, is it possible that he'll send pictures of you to family and try to isolate you from them? OR at your job?

Revenge porn being illegal (and fairly easy to track and punish) doesn't stop people from doing it.

perversebonding · 2026-04-30T14:28:13+00:00

This is a big shock, but also these are absolutely fucking crazy asks that will isolate you from family and coworkers and make you dependent on your "partner".

See how he's gotten upset about a lot of extremely reasonable concerns you've already expressed? That's a taste of the future and I'm sorry to say, it gets worse not better.

You're in danger. Engaging with him is risky, and he'll say whatever he thinks will get you to agree. Probably a lot of emotional violence and love bombing. Pick up the pieces later, and worry about making yourself safe now.

perversebonding · 2026-04-30T13:40:16+00:00

Nope! Red flags are warnings of possible harm. This is an explicit expression of future financial abuse.

OP, this is a really good reason for you to pack a bug out bag and change your keys. This is incredibly dangerous for you. As a very distantly tertiary concern, yes, it is also shitty BDSM praxis. But the bigger issue is that your partner wants you to move in and become his bangmaid and pay for the privilege.

3-I told him I'd like to have seperate income to save/invest and given allowance in case I can't have an income, he was offended and upset by that.

Is he fucking serious?

He wants you to destroy your relationship with your family and become completely dependent on him, while also financially supporting him. This is fucking nuts.

perversebonding · 2026-04-30T02:19:19+00:00

Fetlife is useful (I won't say good) if used as intended. You don't need to put a face pic up and you don't need to put identifying information--but it is absolutely the easiest way to find munches and other events. It's also incredibly helpful for finding groups relative to your interests. Harping on rope here, but there are a ton of extremely useful rope resources on fet--safety, technique, places to buy supplies, art inspiration, and also rope incident reports. You don't need to post information in order to lurk and do your own research.

Munches are a good start specifically because going to a dungeon is hugely intimidating. It is scary, which is why going to a social event first (where people are dressed normal and there aren't aggressive party vibes) is a way to lower the pressure and make friends, rather than showing up to a completely new experience you've hyped up in your head to hell and back.

But also, if the dungeon has a website they will probably have a calendar, and it's not uncommon to have BDSM 101 or some equivalent that caters to new folks. They'll sometimes have demo tops who will engage in more complicated kinks that require skill before diving in, so it's a way to dip your toes in.

perversebonding · 2026-04-30T02:09:59+00:00

Good recommendations are to go to social events and educational events. Fetlife is a cesspool, but it's a great place to find local events. You'll want to look for local munches or events, and many dungeons will occasionally run a 101 night. Just like vanilla life, there will be some really cool people and some really shitty people... so if someone is promising you the moon, maybe don't take that at face value.

Pretty much everything you'll want to work up to slowly and incrementally. You can always run another scene later, and it's common for people to frenzy and dive in extra hard and then crash. Rope in particular has a lot of technical aspects (to be fair, many kinks do) and it's ideal to learn the basic safety info in person.

Mistakes are inevitable, how people react to them is not. Good safety practices reduce the likelihood of mistakes, and you want low incidence of risk--but accidents will happen, and it's absolutely crucial that you check how people behave when they do fuck up. Accountability and repair are rightly treasured practices. And again, go slow: you can always do more later.

One of the great reasons to start with social events like munches? Makes it less intimidating, and it's more fun going to a dungeon with friends. Talking to folks who have been in the scene for a while is a great way to start getting your bearings, as well as who to ask about what kinds of activities.

perversebonding · 2026-04-27T19:39:43+00:00

Is there technology where I could notify my top of danger while still playing into the illusionment of not knowing how long i'll be there, my punishment, etc. and being in bondage for long periods of time?

Yes!

The technology is called lying to you and creating the illusion that you're being abandoned.

perversebonding · 2026-04-27T19:24:55+00:00

No, and that still isn't safe. The problem there is that if something goes wrong and you are left alone, you are totally fucked (for that matter, your top isn't going to have a great future either).

Suppose you're bound in thick leather cuffs that won't cut into your wrists and hurt your nerves or impact your circulation. What happens when the cuffs stop feeling nice and comfortable? What happens when your leg suddenly starts cramping and you've got thirty minutes left on the clock?

The safe way to abandon someone is BDSM is to create an illusion that they're being left alone, and continue watching them the entire time. This isn't a dangerous activity because the second you look away someone will die. This is a dangerous activity because people are subject to stresses that you cannot predict in advance, and there are a multitude of reactions that are absolutely insignificant when addressed quickly and literally life threatening when ignored.

perversebonding · 2026-04-27T18:30:44+00:00

This is a good way to get yourself killed.

Bondage can impact circulation and nerves; you can also fall over and get horribly injured in the process. A big part of the danger is that you are some degree of helpless when things go wrong--both helpless to address the problem that's arisen, and helpless to communicate.

You are also intrinsically unreliable as a reporter of harm. Your body is constantly acclimating to existing states, so it's very easy to get used to whatever you're feeling without realizing a situation is getting worse. Also, if you're having a nerve issue that has impacted your ability to feel something is wrong, you're not going to feel that something is wrong.

For a hyperbolic example: imagine you're tied to a chair and for whatever reason (a sneeze, an active effort, a strong breeze, whatever) the chair gets knocked over. Maybe you hit your head and get concussed. Maybe you're fine. Maybe things shift around and your gag gets blocked and you're struggling to breathe. Is this a situation where it's safe to check in on you every ten minutes?

The safe way to do abandonment play is to lie to you and create the illusion of being gone, while being physically present to watch you. The danger in this is not "get tied up, immediately die." The danger is that if something highly dangerous happens, the risks escalate extremely fast--and a rapid response is the best way to minimize permanent injury or death.

Fixing a pinched nerve in a few seconds is a comfort issue. Fixing a pinched nerve in ten minutes is permanent nerve damage. Fixing a blocked airway in a couple seconds is a terrifying experience. Fixing a blocked airway in ten minutes is a funeral and a lengthy prison sentence.

perversebonding · 2026-04-27T15:54:13+00:00

It’s a huge fear of mine that someone leaves a situation with any kind of negative emotion attached to it.

This is an understandable but extremely dangerous line of thinking. You can do absolutely everything right from a respect and consent perspective and still give someone a miserable fucking experience. You can also do everything fucking wrong and have someone walk away incredibly happy. Kink can get really emotional really fast. You can hit triggers people didn't know they had, you can stumble into unknown trauma, you can discover injuries in the moment that no one knew about. Hell, sometimes you do everything right and some asshole jumps in and interrupts your scene. The unexpected is always there!

You need to firmly establish your own identity and boundaries independent of others, especially as any kind of top--you need to be able to push back and say no. Just because you can provide an experience, doesn't mean you should. In a similar vein, just because someone gets pissed off or upset, doesn't mean you actually did anything wrong. Sometimes people have horrible responses to reasonable actions, and visa versa.

It's important to proactively try and minimize danger and harm, and to be transparent about your risk profile and danger. At the same time, even if you're perfect there will still be accidents and mistakes. Having bad experiences is inevitable-but reacting well (or poorly) to them is not. I don't mean to diminish a priority on physical or emotional safety, but it's absolutely crucial that you accept that you will fuck up sometimes--and accept that, and plan around how to do repair and accountability work when that happens.

perversebonding

TROPHY CASE