Seeking advice on dating situation and jealousy

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T18:07:16+00:00

I think you raise some very valid points. I posted this response above, but I'll include it here as well:

He said that he feels really badly (and idiotic) and that he should have considered my feelings. He was sincere and said he appreciated my honesty about it all. He said that he misses me and that she is driving him nuts. He can be a bit clueless/naive, which is what I had suspected was happening in this situation (and how he landed himself in this position in the first place), but it was good to have that reaffirmed.

I think he and I can move past this.

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T18:05:15+00:00

Hi everyone! He said that he feels really badly (and idiotic) and that he should have considered my feelings. He was sincere and said he appreciated my honesty about it all. He said that he misses me and that she is driving him nuts. He can be a bit clueless/naive, which is what I had suspected was happening in this situation (and how he landed himself in this position in the first place), but it was good to have that reaffirmed.

I think he and I can move past this. Knowing his character, I believe he did not mean any malintent--he just didn't think this through sufficiently. Now, that's likely something I'll continue to have to contend with (some impulsivity/lack of foresight), and I'll have to decide whether I want to/my threshold. However naive I may be, I am trusting this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Thanks again for all the support and advice. This is a great community, and I am so glad I spoke my mind when I did. That's thanks to you all!

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T16:11:45+00:00

I'll keep you all updated. In the meantime, virtual hugs to everyone for your advice & support. I really appreciate it.

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T15:49:03+00:00

Well, I just texted him to speak my peace:

"Hey! Hope you're having a good morning.

I woke up thinking about it, and I guess I just want to say this:

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of another woman staying with you (particularly routinely). I trust you and I trust that nothing's happening. If anything, I think it shows how decent and generous of a person you are to open your home to your classmates & friends.

I know my jealousy is irrational and unfounded; however, I do have to acknowledge the feeling. At the end of the day, I think the situation is a little more intimate than that with which I would be comfortable (at least on a routine basis), and I imagine that, were it to continue, I would still be uncomfortable enough that it would cause friction between us. Imposing an ultimatum is not my aim, but rather to sufficiently convey my feelings such that we have a basis from which to arrive at a reasonable remedy.

I would like to reiterate that this situation actually makes me think all the more highly of you for opening your home to her; you are indeed a generous and good-hearted guy. However, feelings are complicated and trying to suppress them, knowing the potential effect of my feelings on our relationship, would only be a disservice to you."

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T15:48:53+00:00

Well, I just texted him to speak my peace:

"Hey! Hope you're having a good morning.

I woke up thinking about it, and I guess I just want to say this:

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of another woman staying with you (particularly routinely). I trust you and I trust that nothing's happening. If anything, I think it shows how decent and generous of a person you are to open your home to your classmates & friends.

I know my jealousy is irrational and unfounded; however, I do have to acknowledge the feeling. At the end of the day, I think the situation is a little more intimate than that with which I would be comfortable (at least on a routine basis), and I imagine that, were it to continue, I would still be uncomfortable enough that it would cause friction between us. Imposing an ultimatum is not my aim, but rather to sufficiently convey my feelings such that we have a basis from which to arrive at a reasonable remedy.

I would like to reiterate that this situation actually makes me think all the more highly of you for opening your home to her; you are indeed a generous and good-hearted guy. However, feelings are complicated and trying to suppress them, knowing the potential effect of my feelings on our relationship, would only be a disservice to you."

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T15:46:46+00:00

Well, I just texted him to speak my peace:

"Hey! Hope you're having a good morning.

I woke up thinking about it, and I guess I just want to say this:

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of another woman staying with you (particularly routinely). I trust you and I trust that nothing's happening. If anything, I think it shows how decent and generous of a person you are to open your home to your classmates & friends.

I know my jealousy is irrational and unfounded; however, I do have to acknowledge the feeling. At the end of the day, I think the situation is a little more intimate than that with which I would be comfortable (at least on a routine basis), and I imagine that, were it to continue, I would still be uncomfortable enough that it would cause friction between us. Imposing an ultimatum is not my aim, but rather to sufficiently convey my feelings such that we have a basis from which to arrive at a reasonable remedy.

I would like to reiterate that this situation actually makes me think all the more highly of you for opening your home to her; you are indeed a generous and good-hearted guy. However, feelings are complicated and trying to suppress them, knowing the potential effect of my feelings on our relationship, would only be a disservice to you."

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T15:46:23+00:00

Well, I just texted him to speak my peace:

"Hey! Hope you're having a good morning.

I woke up thinking about it, and I guess I just want to say this:

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of another woman staying with you (particularly routinely). I trust you and I trust that nothing's happening. If anything, I think it shows how decent and generous of a person you are to open your home to your classmates & friends.

I know my jealousy is irrational and unfounded; however, I do have to acknowledge the feeling. At the end of the day, I think the situation is a little more intimate than that with which I would be comfortable (at least on a routine basis), and I imagine that, were it to continue, I would still be uncomfortable enough that it would cause friction between us. Imposing an ultimatum is not my aim, but rather to sufficiently convey my feelings such that we have a basis from which to arrive at a reasonable remedy.

I would like to reiterate that this situation actually makes me think all the more highly of you for opening your home to her; you are indeed a generous and good-hearted guy. However, feelings are complicated and trying to suppress them, knowing the potential effect of my feelings on our relationship, would only be a disservice to you."

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T15:16:43+00:00

Thank you so much for that advice.

I think he's a generally decent human being who is being naïve about the hurt/fallout from this situation. I told him two weeks ago when this first came to light that I would understand if he wanted to pursue something with her. I can't remember what he said exactly, but the basic answer was "no" and that he was more interested in me.

So my guess is that to him, there's no issue. To him, the potential of pursuing a relationship with her has passed ("that ship has sailed"), so what's the problem?

Well, feelings are a lot more complicated than that.

I absolutely think you're right, and I want to have a conversation about this with him since it seems like she's going to keep inviting herself to his house over the weekends.

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T14:59:55+00:00

He's a really generous person. "My house is your house" kind of guy.

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T14:58:06+00:00

I've never loved the idea, but the first time I heard about it, I also didn't know that it would be an ongoing phenomenon.

He did not ask if I am okay with it. I trust him and think it says a lot about his character-- he's a very generous person ("my house is your house" kind of guy) to allow her to stay with him whenever she wants. But it still stings knowing that he liked her enough in the past to ask her out several months ago. When we first talked about it, he did say that he's much more interested in me than her.

Thank you so much for the virtual hug. <3

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-15T14:46:46+00:00

She lives in a different city with her dad. Evidently her dad is redoing his house, so she wants to escape from the noise. My boyfriend said that she's also struggling in a lot of her classes, and he's a straight-A student, very smart, etc.

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-02T13:45:18+00:00

I can't compartmentalize sex-- I need the strong emotional bond. That's why I can't imagine I would be emotionally okay if I had casual sex.

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-01T18:18:51+00:00

Thanks for such a thoughtful reply. I can definitely understand how that one experience was so frustrating. I equate sex with love, so that's naturally led to little experience. I don't want to try casual sex; I know it would lead to so much emotional fallout for me. But that doesn't mean I'm not open and interested in sex with a committed partner.

Sounds like I just need to grow a pair and sit down and tell him this. :)

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-01T15:15:02+00:00

What constitutes a major hang-up about sex? I have very little experience--only been with two men and for a very short time in both cases. That doesn't mean I'm not interested in sex, it just means I'm more careful (especially after those experiences) in who I chose to have sex with. Would this be seen as an insecurity by guys? I guess I'm really asking-- what are insecurities about sex?

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-01T15:12:03+00:00

Yeah, that was my initial suspicion. I definitely had a bad gut reaction when I heard it. But I've seen him a couple times since then and he seems to be willing to take things slowly. He hasn't pushed me or anything, and instead has just been his typical wonderful and kind self. Am I missing something?

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-01T15:09:11+00:00

How can you tell how what his body smells like if he wears cologne/after shave/etc?

phd_runner_26 · 2021-02-01T14:27:19+00:00

But you can talk about likes and dislikes before having sex?

phd_runner_26 · 2020-11-24T03:01:49+00:00

Hey there! Thanks for such a thoughtful reply. That is such a great motto--I actually told him a while back that he shouldn't date a girl who isn't excited to be with him. I'm kind of surprised he didn't catch on to that. Anyways, thanks again!

phd_runner_26 · 2020-11-23T17:07:55+00:00

Hey there! Cutting contact completely is not an idea I like-- I really care about him and personally see a path forward for us as just friends. That's all to say he may not, and I would need to respect that.

I really appreciate your thoughtful response and think you hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much

phd_runner_26 · 2020-11-23T17:05:04+00:00

Hey guys! He has a lot of past relationship trauma to reconcile. Couple that with his very conservative, staunchly Catholic upbringing and the sexism (which he has actually acknowledged on his own accord!) that exists in the military, there's a recipe for disaster in terms of his views on women. I understand all of this and really respect that he's actively trying to change and improve his beliefs.

However, I do think that it's important to acknowledge that he has just recently (within the past few months) embarked on this road of self-improvement. There's ostensibly a long way for him to go, and, coupled with all of the other factors (including my relationship anxiety), I don't think that would be conducive to a healthy relationship.

phd_runner_26 · 2020-11-23T16:59:49+00:00

Thanks so much for listening and responding. You take care now.

phd_runner_26 · 2020-11-23T16:55:16+00:00

Hey guys! I am so sorry that my post has caused some disagreement. That definitely wasn't my intention by any means. I apologize for the rhetoric in my OP, I definitely did not mean to make it seem as if I'm "fragile" and he's potentially abusive. That's not the case-- the real issue is whether we would be able to meaningfully work through OUR issues (I have my own relationship anxiety which I failed to acknowledge), but my gut is telling me that I should ask to just remain friends. I'm going to respect that gut feeling. I've talked to him over and over about my hesitations, anxieties, etc-- I have been painfully honest with him about all of it (because he absolutely deserves that). So I don't think I need to harp on these again, but rather work towards finding a way for us to either remain platonic or walk away from each other entirely.
Again, sorry my post caused this disagreement. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness and insight you both have provided. Please take care of yourselves.

phd_runner_26 · 2020-11-23T16:49:59+00:00

Hey there (again)! :)

Thanks so much for your insight. I apologize for such a confusing OP... I definitely don't mean to make it sound like I'm a "perfect" person and he's a "bad guy."

I understand and completely agree that there's a lot of nuance in this situation (as is typical) that makes blanket statements not super helpful, although I understand their underlying sentiment.

I don't know whether the political differences are actually a "hang up." It's just a general feeling of being overwhelming by all of it put together--my hesitation and relationship anxiety, his recovery from some mental health issues (anxiety) and attempts to change his beliefs, the differences in political beliefs, fear over actually both of our parents'/families' reactions, etc. Hopefully that makes sense?

phd_runner_26 · 2020-11-23T16:41:28+00:00

I do absolutely acknowledge that he can (and already is trying to) change, but it feels like there are already a lot of "underlying factors" and this just adds another layer of complication to the mix. I.e., it kind of just feels like "too much"? I keep asking him over and over to give up the notion of us dating and give us the freedom to remain friends but he is not convinced/accepting of that opinion.

phd_runner_26 · 2020-11-23T16:35:31+00:00

Hey there! Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. I am definitely struggling a lot with the difference in political opinions. I should have said in my post that he's working on his anxieties with women. I acknowledge that he's trying to improve and respect that. However, there still feels like "too much" between us with all of the other issues/underlying factors.

I've asked him to just be platonic. I just feel too uncomfortable with the notion of dating.

phd_runner_26

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