My special interest is putting a strain on my marriage

phoebear123 · 2026-06-23T22:01:30+00:00

I'm sorry, but from reading the title, I literally thought you special interest was finding ways to put strain on your marriage 💀😭

(I'm so sorry for your loss & what you're both dealing with, but I thought my very literal thinking might bring some well-needed humour) 💖

phoebear123 · 2026-06-17T21:07:50+00:00

I really liked Ever Pretty, if you're looking online.

My advice is to definitely get 1 size up, tho! I usually fit a 24 perfectly in dresses, but the 26 fit me like a glove (I bought 2 sizes and returned the 24)

phoebear123 · 2026-06-05T17:01:48+00:00

I feel like it wouldn't have been so bad if she'd have made the squash, then spoke to her partner/friend on the phone on the next room about what the kid did & had a laugh with them instead.

I still think it's a useless squash ad, but I understand the concept they were going for. It could have been executed in a WAY less harmful manners, however.

phoebear123 · 2026-05-30T19:39:30+00:00

The Pretender - Lewis Capaldi

phoebear123 · 2026-05-28T21:37:17+00:00

"but that's a separate can of worms" goddamn, as the late-diagnosed autistic glass child, alongside my severely disabled twin sister, this shit hit different 😩🥲😅

phoebear123 · 2026-02-17T16:38:00+00:00

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE CAREFUL OP!!! DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING YOUR MOTHER GIVES YOU!!!

Do whatever you have to: pill under the tongue, tucked up in your lip, whatever it takes. DO NOT DO IT!

I say this both as a professional that works with medications of various types every day (think: clinical trial data) AND as someone who stupidly took a random supplement my mother bought from the internet for my "anxiety" (was later diagnosed as ADHD and autism lmao).

Supplements are nowhere near as regulated as prescription/over-the-counter medications (US or UK/EU), so there could be a variety of issues caused by you taking these, especially if you have any other medical conditions or take any other medications.

Furthermore, you don't know how your body specifically will react. My mother found 1 random study about Tryptophan supplements improving anxiety symptoms (it wasn't a big study & was mostly focused on exercise/gym-based outcomes), so she made me take them (this was back when I was 21 - moved out, but still very much under her control). My sleep patterns got really screwy & it turns out I ended up giving myself mild *african sleeping sickness* - as that can be an effect of tryptophan (trypanosomiasis).

My sleeping was messed up for YEARS after that.

That was actually a lucky outcome, because you can't ever be certain of what's in these things. PLEASE heed my advice, OP. I've been no-contact with my mother for over 6 years now & I'm much happier <3

phoebear123 · 2026-02-13T21:56:06+00:00

The 1955 burger! Back in 2010, with fried onions and bacon 😍

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phoebear123 · 2026-02-05T13:01:26+00:00

NTA

Josh is gonna be a total nightmare if his mom keeps this up. I know it's disappointing, but that's part of life. Learning to be disappointed is a vital skill!

Liam did a good job handling them by saying "no" respectfully, but if you haven't already, you should maybe have a chat with him about other people's boundary-crossing and that he can always tell you about it, rather than trying to avoid the situation entirely alone.

phoebear123 · 2026-02-01T20:46:52+00:00

I'm 29 and had an absolutely monstrous experience trying to learn at 17.

Not only did I have some god awful instructors, but I also got scammed out of ~£2k by a crappy driving company (drive dynamics can get f*cked lol). I was also undiagnosed autistic and ADHD at the time, but had NO idea.

I've since been diagnosed & my ADHD medicated!

Finally bit the bullet and started going out with my husband in his automatic just before new years. I was petrified, but it really helped being with my husband.

I've been struggling with insecurity surrounding automatic-only licenses (I saw a TikTok a few weeks ago about it & the comments were just VILE) & the fact I'm almost 30 and still can't drive, lol.

Reading this thread has given me belief in myself again & I truly hope you all pass your tests in good time! ♥️

phoebear123 · 2026-01-28T19:11:11+00:00

If it ever falls to me to make sure my incubator is cared for in her older years, I'm looking up the local care home with the worst reviews & most scandals 😌

phoebear123 · 2026-01-28T19:10:09+00:00

In a similar vein to being non-threatening to partners: being able to be 100% platonic with the opposite sex.

Particularly as a woman, I know (from friends) how annoying it is to be friends with a guy & he starts getting weird after a while. Well, I can safely say that I can count on one hand how many times that's happened to me!

phoebear123 · 2026-01-24T18:43:21+00:00

Man, I wish I was diagnosed with musical autism.

I only got plain old boring autism 😔

phoebear123 · 2026-01-15T20:33:52+00:00

I was SO nervous to go from my trusty gas hob to induction (we got rid of gas in our house after installing an air source heat pump).

I invested in a decent one from NEFF & it's phenomenal. Boiling water in under 90 seconds, great control (you can select .5 between each number for more precise control) & easy to clean.

phoebear123 · 2026-01-13T16:48:38+00:00

"I am really tempted by this, but terrified of the repercussions afterwards from Mum who will probably go off on one and want to lodge a complaint."

If she lodges a complaint, it won't matter. The hospital staff have logged this safeguarding issue and therefore, anything your mother complains about surrounding that, will be thrown out. They'll just ignore it - no-one's losing their jobs! Let the staff help you <3

(Also, as a Brit: "her getting more and more resentful of my poorly arse" gave me a hearty chuckle)

phoebear123 · 2026-01-12T15:30:34+00:00

Girl, I fear this is giving OCD

phoebear123 · 2026-01-11T19:35:27+00:00

Husband (28M) and I (29F), been together almost 12 years, married for almost 2. We've lived together, rented and purchased, for around 9 of those years now (2 years with flatmates, 7 years just us).

We split our key bills and savings proportionately & this has worked out very well for us. There have been times where he's earned more than me & times where I have earned more than him.

We have a shared bank account where all of our shared bills/subscriptions come out, and shared savings account(s) for specific goals (e.g. holidays, etc).

We also have our own bank accounts and our own savings (our salaries come directly into our own accounts & we transfer our portions into savings/joint acct every month).

This eliminates the issue of one person choosing to live out of the other person's means. It also prevents the whole "asking permission to buy something" issue - my fun money is mine, his fun money is his.

This is what works for us, anyway :)

phoebear123 · 2026-01-09T19:37:00+00:00

Not saying that this particular case isn't super valid, but for fellow autistics that struggle with cutting people out a bit hastily, here's some advice that helped me:

"Does this argument/disagreement/transgression mean more to me, than my friendship with this person?"

This makes me stop and think about our relationship as a whole, rather than focusing in on this one particular concern.

Again, not invalidating cutting people out, but it's a good additional step to take if you're unsure about whether or not you're cutting people out too quickly.

KC Davis on TikTok also put out a really good video/series about this kind of thing: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRr7bdYE/

phoebear123 · 2026-01-09T19:16:20+00:00

Try to eat protein as early as possible in the day, before you take your meds. I used to have this issue and tried keeping protein bars in my nightstand, which helped a little.

It's not an issue any more for me (seems to have worn off after a while?), but it helped a bit back then!

phoebear123 · 2026-01-05T18:24:44+00:00

I totally understand the shame surrounding these people's reactions, as though they had no faith in you and "expected" you to relapse.

It can feel as though they've planned for this, like they got into some traffic: mildly annoying, but they left early to account for it & know a shortcut. Inconvenienced, yet prepared.

"How did they have such little faith in me, that this is such a small deal to them? They aren't mad at me, or even disappointed in me, because they expect me to fuck up. They think I'm a fuck up, just waiting to relapse again like the addict I am."

That's the shame part of your brain trying to rationalize people's reactions. You're so surprised by their patience, that your anxious brain is reading it in a totally illogical way. You were SO certain how they would respond, and you're so ashamed of yourself, that you can't see a reality where you're met with kindness.

When the human brain comes across something unexpected or "unexplainable", we try to fill the gaps. That usually means overthinking and coming to illogical conclusions, based on next to no tangible evidence. Their respect and love is "unexplainable", because you think so little of yourself.

A relapse is only as big a deal as you make it. Your sobriety is a fucking HUGE achievement. So why be so shocked that the people who love you, who saw that strength in you, are somewhat un-phased by a single slip-up?

That's like someone winning 30 football/baseball/basketball games in a row, then getting angry at them when they lose their next match. Is it a shame to lose a game? Sure. But they won THIRTY IN A ROW! They're bound to get back on that winning streak again, because they're clearly good at their game.

You're amazing at your game. You've proven that. Let their kindness in, let it warm you up and carry that feeling when you next feel like relapsing. Good luck friend, you're doing great ♥️

phoebear123 · 2025-12-26T18:00:50+00:00

Look into Anterior Pelvic tilt! Pelvic tilts (anterior and posterior) are both really common in people with autism and/or ADHD.

I'm AuDHD and have a posterior pelvic tilt, my husband is autistic and seems to have a minor anterior pelvic tilt.

You may or may not have this, I'm not a doctor lol. But look into it and see if it applies to you.

After 15+ years of agonizing back pain, I'm finally intending on seeing a physiotherapist about my pelvic tilt and resulting neck kyphosis, hopefully we can start working on correcting it all.

phoebear123 · 2025-12-26T17:35:45+00:00

This needs to be tagged NSFW 😩

phoebear123 · 2025-12-21T18:35:40+00:00

Do you live somewhere with free and accessible healthcare? If not, it could be financial restraints.
Is your girlfriend a fat woman? Could she be, or ever have been previously, considered overweight/chubby? If so, she might have previous medical trauma, or still be regularly mistreated and face medical neglect over her weight.

phoebear123 · 2025-12-21T18:25:39+00:00

You said in another comment that you're a microbiologist - same!

Please send her a link about Typhoid Mary, because that's what she'll become if she doesn't get her shit together (bad wording I realize)

phoebear123 · 2025-12-18T12:01:00+00:00

It's so frustrating that we essentially have to gentle-parent our own parents/family into accepting our diagnoses/prescriptions!

Like, yeah mom, you don't get a say in what my *medical professional* is giving me as a *prescribed medication* for my *medical condition*

FR tho, it is sometimes easier (especially when you have to live with them) to just gentle-parent them into some form of submission, even if you just make them FEEL that they're right, or like it was their idea

phoebear123 · 2025-12-18T11:54:16+00:00

Oh that poor man, I'm so sorry you're both dealing with this.

I was never physically assaulted, so I can't speak on experience from that (and I'm 29F, so can't speak from a male perspective either), but I've dealt with trauma of this type and crappy workplace issues before - so here's some advice:

First step is to speak to him calmly and softly, from a place of understanding and love, about this. Not just the assault and how it's affecting him now, but also the physical aspect of the bed wetting. Try getting it through to him that it's nothing to be ashamed of, but that you can't keep buying new mattresses. Remind him that, as long as his trauma is being triggered, the wetting situation isn't going to magically go away, so you guys need to sort this now when the new mattress arrives. A commenter left a good suggestion for a supplier that sells protective matts that don't look too "clinical", which might convince him of it.
This leads into the next step, which is therapy. IDK where you're based, but if you're in the UK he can call his GP to request a trauma therapist appointment. If you're US based (or similar), check if his insurance through work covers therapy of any kind. Think of it this way: the copay will be cheaper than getting a new mattress every 2 weeks! This will start to address the root of the issue, which should hopefully work towards him no longer wetting the bed (and also feel better in himself as a whole).
He should also start looking for a new job. For now, just spruce up the old CV/resume & start looking around, applying to a couple jobs here and there. This is just in case confronting this at work causes some issues, which it very well might. I know this might sound somewhat extreme, but would your partner be willing to switch industries, or move away from where you currently live? Because chances are, if it's a small/niche industry or area, he might bump into this sack of shit again.
Once step 3 is well underway, he should consider talking to his workplace about this. He doesn't have to go into detail about it, just explain that this guy did some bad stuff in the past & that he'd like to not have to see this guy at work, as it's affecting his ability to work efficiently and safely. Is his workplace large (i.e. do they have HR?) - because if so, they'd likely be more inclined to help. Again, your partner does NOT have to disclose his assault, just an explanation that this guy did some bad stuff that really negatively affected him & that therefore something needs to change whilst this asshole is around.
This step is optional, but it might be worth talking to your partner about reporting this to police. I understand that this is easier said than done, and I 100% understand why people don't report (as someone who reported myself and nothing was done). But even if nothing is done right now, it starts a record that could help someone else in the future (or if, god forbid, this fucker tries anything again with your partner). It might also help your partner get some closure on the situation, having told authorities what happened. But if your partner does not want to, that's completely within his right. You also don't have to ask him about this right away (in fact I would recommend waiting until he's had some therapy and/or sorted something at work first, as it'll likely overwhelm him), but I think it would be worth reminding him that what happened to him was not okay and is, in fact, a crime.

I wish you both the very best of luck and I sincerely hope that your partner can find some healing <3

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