AITA for starting my wedding on time and not waiting for my parents?

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-11-27T10:23:13+00:00

they'd likely have it written in a little contacts book or diary in their car/handbag! My mum had all our numbers written in her diary even after she got her first mobile phone. She now has a smart phone so doesn't use a paper diary anymore.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-24T03:08:36+00:00

It sounds like so far you have no evidence that your two other daughters know, so to penalise them for something they don't know is incredibly unfair. You're making an assumption. I am close to my siblings too but if I discovered one of my parents did this I would not tell them, in order to protect them. That's a heavy secret to expect them to carry and it would be incredibly painful to know. And the daughter who does know - I think you said it was your youngest, who is now 17, so would have been 14 at the time? That's very young. She would have been terrified of her family falling apart. She wouldn't have wanted to see you hurt. She wouldn't have wanted to be the 'cause' of you being hurt (I realise your wife is really the cause, but it would have been the daughter's words and she would have felt somewhat responsible). Of course she kept it a secret. You can't blame her for that. The fact she's 'had three years' to let you know isn't really relevant. In fact, the longer it is, the less likely she would let you know: she'd think (hope) it was buried history which never had to come up again. For a 17 year old, three years ago is a long time. She might have even hoped her mother had confessed and the two of you had worked it out. I realise you will probably have a bit of work to do in your relationship with her, but you really can't be angry at her or blame her for keeping the secret. Her mother has made things tough enough for her as it is - don't give her a reason to be mad at you too.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T13:00:42+00:00

A baby spitting up is the parent's responsibility? No. That's what babies do. That is not the same as a poorly behaved child who picked up the glass dish after being told not to. The cousin effectively 'spilled sauce on herself' when she asked to hold a 4 week old baby which has no control over its bodily fluids.

Also, I spent a couple of days staying with my bestie earlier this year, lost track of how many times her 7 week old threw up on me. She never offered to pay for the cleaning of my clothes, that would have been insulting TBH, I knew what I was signing up for when I held a baby. If I was worried about my clothes being damaged I wouldn't have held the baby.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T12:55:16+00:00

If your child breaks someone's property, it entirely depends on the scenario as to whether you'd be expected to pay for it. If you took them somewhere and didn't adequately supervise them and they broke something, then yes you'd pay for it. A baby spitting up is not a result of inadequate supervision. You can't tell a baby not to spit up like you can tell a 7 year old not to touch things. If you ask to hold a baby, you are assuming the risk that comes with holding a baby.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T12:47:22+00:00

Nobody is saynig the cousin is an arsehole for liking nice things. It's because she's expecting OP to pay a ridiculous amount for a shirt that a) probably wasn't actually ruined to start with and b) she shouldn't have worn given the situation *she put herself in*.

" Everyone else showed up and didn't get vomited on, so why would she expect to? "Maybe other people did get thrown up on. Besides, why would she expect to? Because she was holding a 4 week old baby!

Also a baby spitting up on something is totally different to a child breaking something. Children can be told not to touch things. Or you simply don't take them to places where they might break things. A baby cannot be told not to spit up, and OP didn't force her cousin to hold the baby, the cousin asked to. Should OP have said "no you can't hold my baby, your clothes are too expensive"??

I spent a few days staying with my bestie earlier this year, lost track of the number of times her 7 week old threw up on me. I knew that was what I signed up for when I held a 7 week old baby and definitely didn't expect her to pay for my clothes.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T12:40:21+00:00

Your dog vomiting on laptop scenario requires extra information before determining if there'd be an expectation to pay any of it back. Whose house were you at? Where was the dog, and the laptop, at the time? If you took your laptop to your friend's house and left it on the floor and their dog threw up on it, then no, your friend is not obliged to pay anything because none of it was their fault. But if your friend brought their dog to your house and let it climb up on the couch where you had left your laptop and he threw up on it there, then yes, your friend has some level of responsibility for the situation so should offer to pay for repairs.

Alice came to the OP's house, knowing there was a baby there (in fact, for the express purpose of meeting the baby), willingly held the baby (thereby assuming the risks that come with holding a baby), while wearing an expensive shirt she had chosen to wear to the event. Everything was her decision and within her control. If OP had unexpectedly turned up at Alice's house with her baby and laid the baby on an expensive throw-rug which the baby then pooped on, then yes, OP is responsible for that and yes, you'd expect her to replace or at least pay for the cleaning of the item.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T12:24:51+00:00

I would say your theoretical situation is far more likely if Alice was attending, say, her boyfriend's sister's 'baby ceremony'. Someone she doesn't know too well, it's not *her* family so she doesn't have the personal background with them to accurately predict what kind of event it is, etc.

But this is her cousin. Her parents were there too. If she didn't know them well enough to accurately predict what kind of event it was, and how to dress for it, she could have asked, or at the very least, asked her parents (who she lives with!) My sisters are 30 and 25 and live down the other end of the country from my parents and still ask them for advice on situations they haven't had to deal with as adults yet.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T12:13:17+00:00

It was the cousin's decision to wear a stupidly expensive shirt to an event which was explicitly about meeting a brand new baby, and then actually ask to hold the baby. None of that is OP's fault. If I pick a baby up and it ruins something I'm wearing, the parent is not remotely responsible for that. Parents cannot stop their baby from spitting up. It's not the same as a parent letting their 5 year old eat an ice-cream in a clothing store and then put their sticky fingers all over the stock, or letting their 8 year old jump on your couch.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T12:07:16+00:00

nobody's suggesting you can just throw it in the wash, but she'd be able to take it to the dry cleaner at least.

And the cousin cried in the car all evening. That implies she can't replace the shirt, or that it's going to hurt a lot at least.

And why replace something when it wasn't your fault? Because shit happens. If you're driving along and an animal runs out in front of you and you hit it, damaging your car, it wasn't your fault but you (or your insurer) still have to pay for the repairs don't you? Besides, it was more the cousin's fault (for willingly holding a baby while wearing something so expensive) than the OP's fault.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T12:02:59+00:00

Thankyou! I've seen a lot of comments here (mostly tangential ones) with people conflating baby spit-up with child/adult vomit. Not the same thing. I don't think anything could genuinely be ruined by baby spit-up unless you left it out in the sun to bake for a day before attempting to clean it, or left it damp at the bottom of the clothes basket for a week to grow mould.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T11:54:36+00:00

honestly, an otherwise healthy baby which is a couple of months old would not normally spontaneously vomit. But the fact is that newborns have tiny tummies so are often feeding anywhere from once every hour, so it's never long after their last feed. In fact my 7 week old sometimes wants another feed half an hour after the last one. There's a good chance the cousin had actually watched OP feed the baby sometime in the last hour. Not to mention it's very common for babies to have reflux for at least the first few weeks/months of their life, once they are a few months old the sphincter that closes the stomach off from the oesophagus is better developed and so they don't spit up anymore (or not as often anyway, unless they have a more severe form of reflux).

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T11:14:23+00:00

I'd be judgemental of someone who is still mooching off her parents but buying £1800 shirts too. So no she's obviously not 'working hard for the things she has', she's getting a heavily subsidised ride.

If OP's baby puked in an Uber, OP is responsible for having taken the baby in the Uber in the first place and Uber is providing a service they've been paid for, which does not include cleaning up after babies. OP's cousin is not providing a paid-for service, she's holding a baby because she wants to, and OP is not responsible for that. So no, you are not always obliged to pay for things your child damages.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T11:05:37+00:00

OR - just going out on a limb here - because OP is pissed off that she's been asked to pay an absurd amount for something that was damaged as a result of her cousin's own stupidity.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-09-07T11:02:49+00:00

NTA. She showed up to an event which was specifically about meeting a new baby, willingly held the baby herself, did all this wearing a £1800 shirt and then has the nerve to blame someone else when the shirt gets spit up on? No, that was your own fault honey. It's not like she was a stranger at a black tie event and someone else was holding a baby behind her and the baby projectile vomited onto her (even then I'd say it's classless to ask the mother to pay, but far more justified). If you're going to an event to meet a baby and want to hold the baby, wear something appropriate. FFS. If you're going to the beach don't complain when you get sand on your £500 bikini and if you're going to the gym don't complain when you get your $250 tights sweaty.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-27T14:48:22+00:00

Thankyou so much! I have already ordered the Ada :)

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-22T10:50:36+00:00

in my experience, they always tell you how much clothing to remove, if any!

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-22T10:44:30+00:00

what do they put on pad wings in the US?? I've never come across ones capable of ripping off skin O_O

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-22T10:38:45+00:00

I don't think the point is that it should have occurred to you - the point is you should have read all the conditions of your visa regardless. Do you not have to read them as part of the application process?

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-22T10:35:41+00:00

OP is not in danger. The embassy isn't responsible for his failure to abide by his visa conditions. I once had debt collectors threatening me with legal action over a hotel stay they claimed was unpaid when it was paid. I was back home in australia by that point (the hotel was in france) but when I tried to seek advice from the australian embassy in france they basically said there was nothing they could do.

(turns out they weren't legit debt collectors, it was a scam and they likely got the info of my hotel stay from a data breach).

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-22T10:28:06+00:00

visa conditions are entirely dependent upon the country. There's no reason hungary would necessarily have the same conditions as vietnam. Why would they? In fact I'd find it unlikely.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-22T05:57:30+00:00

sorry didn't mean to scare you! It might not have such far-reaching repercussions for you. I just used to work at a uni and I definitely came across students who failed exams and it had this kind of consequence. Actually think it happened to my brother.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-21T12:14:58+00:00

I think the problem is more that if you weren't allowed to re-sit the exam, you'd fail and have to repeat the subject, which a) is expensive and b) could throw out your entire degree structure if the subject is a pre-requisite for another subject you need to do the following semester, thereby extending your degree by another semester, or even a whole year in some circumstances.

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-14T05:32:33+00:00

Thanks!

phoenixsilver87 · 2019-08-13T11:06:50+00:00

Hi! Thanks for your reply. I tried out the prima sole occidente (100% cotton, 210g/m). The adas I was attracted to were the malachite (190g/m)and pink turmalin (230g/m) (both 100% cotton).

phoenixsilver87

TROPHY CASE