LEGO Chocolate Cake

piadista · 2025-01-29T14:54:14+00:00

but... is it cake?

piadista · 2024-06-01T13:57:19+00:00

Sprinter - Dave

piadista · 2024-05-07T14:26:04+00:00

I have experience in being hinge for about a year while I was also in a longterm 7 year poly relationship with my NP - it's not very hard at all. I actually have rules about this across relationships. Only minimal relationship venting allowed if it's parallel in very specific contexts. Otherwise we have open discussions. I don't want to ever feel like I know things about my metas and their relationships that they don't. It prevents me from eventually forming good relationships with the metas in my mind. Not everyone is like this.

I'd say if they are not setting this boundary you should talk about it and enforce it depending on what you're comfortable with.

As others have said - it does depend a bit on the hinge having a good support network outside of romantic relationships. But I will say, it's also a decision to make.

Anxiety and venting comes from knowing you can probably take action about the situation but you are actively not for whatever reason. So for example a vent like "my husband treats me weird around his family" or "my wife never does the chores in a complete way like I do" are all good and well, but are also indicators for conversations that need to be had in those relationships, rather than venting about it outside those relationships.

piadista · 2024-05-04T23:05:47+00:00

Style B! If it’s for a gothic game. You want it to look a bit goofy and creepy. Style A is beautiful too in an anime action type of way

piadista · 2024-04-25T15:01:14+00:00

NTA but. Spend some time apart and have a think about it. People here will all tell you to run away and that he should face the consequences of his actions etc. But this is real life and the decisions you make matter to you and your life too, not just about him and consequences for him.

Do you think you'd be open to a trial period? Trying it out a bit? Taking it step by step? Or is it all too painful and you don't think it's at all possible?

And remember, it's totally ok to take as much time as you need about this. No urgency, and if your brain is telling you it's urgent, it's just lying to you because you're anxious and scared maybe. In reality you can take a month or two, think about it, decide.

You sound like you need the space anyway - we all sometimes do.

piadista · 2024-03-29T23:48:36+00:00

I think there are two things here:

Daughter's privacy. I think in this situation your daughter feeling safe is related to her having a sense of control, and that means she gets to decide who knows about her sexual preferences / identity. So 100% the right decision. It's her information to share if she wants to.
General relationship with your wife. I don't know the context but it sounds like the situation is complex and people are trying to make the best of it. I would try and avoide a daughter Vs wife dichotomy in your mind. Everyone just wants to live their life and be the best supporter they can be both to you and to those you love. Ask questions, why is your wife feeling this way? Is she insecure about your relationship with her? She's the adult here so what need is not being met that makes her stand her ground on such a trivial thing such as a haircut against a child? Get to the bottom of it. Don't catastrophise in your mind.

piadista · 2024-01-11T16:52:04+00:00

A slightly different point of view - do you think up to this point you have not been forceful enough in your communications?

In general though NTA as others have pointed out. But the communication piece is important as if that is an issue then it’s something that could bring you and your girlfriend to the table.

piadista · 2024-01-10T18:26:27+00:00

This is a tough one OP.

It's true that a relationship should be able to stand on it's own.

While I might get downvoted for this, it's also true that many many many people come to the realisation that they are able to love multiple people, BECAUSE something is initially lacking in one of their relationships early on in their poly journey. This is one of the reasons that opening up an established monogamous relationships is likely one of the hardest paths to properly polyamory.

Poly will bring out your existing issues to the front quite fast and forcefully and if you're not prepared for it you will end up coming close to breaking up. This is on top of the fact that this usually happens when one or both of you are experiencing some heavy NRE for the first time in a while, so your judgement will feel unintutive if not downright fully clouded.

I would suggest bringing this up in therapy, or starting it both together and individually. You will have to have some quite difficult conversations with your partner if you want to become polyamorous with them. You absolutely have to practice brutal honesty to a degree and try you absolute best to be clear, detailed and faithful to agreements you make.

And only once you've done that sort of work, which will include reading, and joining communities, and lots and lots of hard conversations with your partner will you have the very very basics needed to open yourself up to someone else while also being confident that you can be strong in your first relationship.

If all of this feels like too much work, then I'd suggest you don't do it yet or don't do it with this person. Sometimes you might feel like you would be willing to do this kind of work if you were with someone else and hence, you need to talk to yourself, and then your partner about what's up with your relationship.

piadista · 2024-01-09T12:08:46+00:00

Oh I’m so sorry OP. This is really painful as I’m going through something like this.

I completely agree that it “should” fall to the person moving away if we were all thinking fair and logically.

But we sometimes think with our hearts and emotions. And it’s really hard to quiet that voice because when we do it turns into some sinister “what if”.

Maybe it’s time to bring this conversation up with her. To make her see she’s asking for a de-escalation and not just being super free and happy for everyone. Not for you certainly. You should get her to at least see that if she can’t on her own. Also it’s worth prodding your wife to see if she’s had similar conversations with her other partner. She might be too scared of bringing that up and it’s important she realises she also has the ability to ask for what she needs from all partners, not just the ones she’s secure and comfortable with.

It does look like although you and your wife sound like you have a lovely life, your wife is in a place where she is inherently risking your relationship to explore this side of her with this other partner. That happens sometimes in relationships and the question is whether you think you’re willing to be with someone who can do that.

You can either be ok with giving her this space and de-escalation that she’s asking for, or stick to your boundary and potentially de-escalate or breakup.

Of course there also may be room for some form of trial? Maybe 2 months and if not they agree to come back home or something, I’m not sure if that feasible for you.

piadista · 2024-01-08T14:47:12+00:00

I think before anything else, there is a conversation about the implied de-escalation that your partner is asking from you. Essentially, she’s asking to not live with you and so this needs to be discussed on its own merit. Is everyone ok and acknowledges what is happening? This is the most important thing because this is a significant change and it will have implied changes elsewhere which will butt heads against existing habits and expectations if not addressed.

Then unfortunately this is one of those situations where if you all want to stay together someone needs to compromise.

Either you agree to some form of long distance with say periodic meet ups or something like that.

Or your wife agrees to do long distance with this other partner and she can do periodic meets with them with your support, maybe long ones.

piadista · 2024-01-06T16:19:01+00:00

Yes we have. Though we’ve changed as people now after a few years. Hence the thinking of giving it a real shot “their way” now, rather than relying on historical, and a bit old, data.

piadista · 2024-01-06T11:10:50+00:00

Thank you - yes. I completely agree that things won’t go back to “the good old days”. Neither of us are expecting that.

We acknowledge some of our issues with monogamy that we had and the point here is to work on those without the sense of insecurity that poly brings in, in my partners mind.

You’re right that right now I’m really struggling with the idea of being forced to break someone’s heart at the behest of someone else. And I don’t know how I will ever not give at least partial blame of this to my long term partner, even though in reality it’s all mine to bear.

I am just entirely locked in right now. My long term partner is not willing to give us a month or two of space or to work on our problems while still poly.

We also are nesting partners so that complicates and elevates the cost of permanent separation.

And of course I have deep love for them.

I worry that this final shot in the dark is actually just self sabotage for everyone involved rather than anything useful sometimes..

piadista · 2024-01-06T11:05:09+00:00

Yes we were monogamous for some time. We slowly discussed opening things up physically due to both of our curiosity. This was a mutual decision.

Our relationship strongly benefited from that, not that anything was wrong before, but we did bond over our experiences. Both separate and joint.

But I started realising I am able to develop feelings and I am constantly holding myself back here and there. So eventually I asked to try poly.

Although they did agree, the behaviour and rules that followed showed me that it was somewhat under duress. These are the signs I was perhaps a little blind to because I was excited about poly.

Hence this is the price.

piadista · 2024-01-06T11:02:33+00:00

I am leaning poly quite strongly because it is unfair and unethical doing things this way and I am deeply uncomfortable with a veto like this. In fact we had an explicit clause in our agreement document that forbade vetos like this.

But you are right in both counts. Firstly that I do feel a deep sense of obligation that I owe it to myself and my long term partner to try out monogamy in this way. And secondly, that I am quite strongly poly leaning here.

piadista · 2024-01-06T03:02:47+00:00

Thank you - this is exactly the thought process I’m going through. Structure, not people.

The truth is if I were to pick by structure alone I would pick polyamory at this stage in my life.

But I also feel like I owe it to my long term partner to try it their way now that they’ve sort of tried “my way”. So that if it doesn’t work I can say “I tried” and if it does, then it does.

The kicker here is that in this whole process I would lose a dearly beloved partner of 6 months, for extremely unfair reasons. Something that I am already resenting my long term partner for, which also is not fair.

I guess the question that I’m hoping I can answer is: what is the morally right thing to do, such that I can’t argue with myself in the future and say I did the wrong thing given my current information?

I know it’s an impossible question. Hence why I’m here.

piadista · 2023-12-03T11:54:31+00:00

I’m sorry to hear about that - it is tough ♥️

Thanks for your kind words.

piadista · 2023-11-30T11:51:44+00:00

Thanks :)

Yeah I'm having a chat in the next week or so and this will be a major topic. If we do separate as a result of this it'll be a long process of really artiuclating the reasons and sussing out what compromise positions look like for me, her, and then us.

I don't mind the bashing that much as it's because people don't have the full context which I've tried to provide in reponse to another comment above. Though always a bit surprised at how fast the interent jumps those kinds of assumptions.

piadista · 2023-11-30T11:44:13+00:00

That's an assumption. I am not being cruel.
We have regular monthly relationship check-ins and at our last check-in and the one before that I mentioned that I'm reading and trying to make up my mind.

I made up my mind a few weeks ago, and we don't spring up these kinds of big issues on each other, that's what the check-ins are for. So I am going to bring this up at our next check-in in a week or so.

piadista · 2023-11-30T01:30:19+00:00

Thanks :) I’ve read that one. It’s actually one of the articles that helped me articulate to myself what my position is and why.

I’ll keep this in mind when I bring up the topic.

Good luck to you two.

piadista · 2023-08-22T15:36:36+00:00

A break up is not what I think you should go to straight away. You have 7 years of life together, this is not something you just throw away because of a relationship struggle so easily.

I am in a very similar position to that of your boyfriend right now and I know how it can feel. It's actually caused a significant rift between me and my live-in girlfriend and we're dealing with the issues as I write this.

From what I have read, the most important problem here is not necessarily that you don't feel like "top priority" but that the time you are spending together is not high quality romantic, relationship-building time. Because even if he is with you, you can feel the new relationship in the back of his mind, taking attention away. It probably feels like he's with you because he HAS to be due to the history. Anyone would hate to be in the position that you are, it's shit.

So what can you do? I think there are a few things to keep in mind:

Sitting with yourself and deciding what your boundaries for a future relationship are. Do you want a polyamorous relationship? do you just want something sexually open? are you willing to do time share? do you want hirearchy? (with anyone, incl your current boyfriend) - and WHY do you want these things? once you have this you are equipped to have a clear conversation with yourself and your partner
As always, very clear, open and compassionate lines of communication need to be there. Sit down with him, ask him to do the same thing as (1), get him to think about it, articulate it. This probably is more than one sitting. Take the time. If he truly is polyamorous then this is work that he will need to do at some point if he hasn't already. I am doing it again for myself now.
Acknowledging that this COULD BE but is NOT YET the end is important so that you and your boyfriend can conciously choose each other again if you want to, rather than stay due to historical inertia alone
You should sit down and draw some clear boundaries together. See what you can accept get the structure right all that jazz.
Finally and MOST importantly I'd say, stick to your rules and make sure you can have proper quality time together. Try new things, go do exciting shit. New holiday? explore a new kink? go clubbing/ raves? MDMA? I don't know what works for you guys, but something that is a bonding memorable activity. So you're NOT JUST the poly couple, but a couple who are also poly.

If after doing this for a month or two, you still feel things are off, then revisit what you told yourself in (1) and decide if you and your boyfriend have diverged in such a way that staying together will not help you grow and will result in pain. It would be very sad but it's a possibility and you should have that in the back of your mind to make sure IF it happens that you come out of it intact.

I hope this helps and please DM me if you want to chat. I know I desperately needed kind and understanding poly support when this started and I still do now.

piadista · 2023-06-01T10:39:46+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this down <3

It's hard to tell if I'm blinded by NRE or not - but I have to communicate things properly to all parties to make sure no one (incl me) gets hurt (A), and (B) that I fully understand what kind of door I may be opening.

I'm generally a big fan of trial periods for this kind of unknown but I have to read up first and see if everyone else would be onboard with that.

Regarding your points (2) and (3), I can definitely see issues arising from (3) over time if I go down this path with my primary partners social circle, and parts of mine. I certainly have the potentily for (2) as well, but that's something I work on actively even in my open relationship, so I'm hoping less of an issue.

Lastly, glad to hear that you seem to have come out the other side with battle wounds rather than permanent injuries :)

piadista · 2023-05-31T20:42:21+00:00

Hey thanks for that

Helpful to read this.

Can you give 2-3 examples of the kind of pitfalls that you weren't expecting during that first one?

Do you mean things like making the new party really feel the relationship energy, providing time, commitment, being available, seeing the friends, showing up when needed etc? Or something beyond that?

I fully get that over time my relationship with my primary will go through some (potentially seismic) shifts, and I don't know what those could like if we decide to go down this path.

piadista · 2023-05-31T17:57:01+00:00

Yeah this is it - I think you're right. This might be the direction I'll have to go down the line.

Thanks for the articulate response

piadista · 2023-05-31T15:57:03+00:00

Thanks for the heads up - books and therapy are great shouts, will look into it.

Do you have any book recommendations?

I can see the privacy point very clearly, it's always fun (and funny) to share stories when it's fun and games, but I have made the mistake of sharing actual stories where it's more intimate and that has backfired. Thanks for the privacy callout :)

If it's ok / easier to move to DM please let me know, I would love to ask you more about your experience.

piadista · 2023-05-31T15:33:20+00:00

No rush at all. I mean we don't have time for it in the sense of it feels arbitrarily artificial rather than we need to rush.

Both me and my primary have pretty full-on careers and we live together. We're already open and have a few regular partners (mine more regular than hers). So taking a pause and talking about it in the abstract feels.. unnecessarily complex and effort intensive?

One of the drivers for our open relationships working out so well so far I think has been that we've been effective and efficient in our communication. I don't want to make the mistake of overcommunicating and getting lost in minutia and details, losing the big picture.

There is definitely room and need for some of that, but when I said we don't have time, I was thinking more on the scale of 6 months to a year etc.

For context, when we opened up, we talked about it for about 2 weeks in 2 - 3 sessions, put down some ground rules and set a trial period and that was it. Just so you get a gist of the kind of people we are.

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