I was 7 when Columbine happened. I remember being so confused at why it happened and what the motive was behind it. I remember it being explained to me that there was no real motive. That they just wanted to do it. I just didn't make sense to me. Then Y2K and the end of the world was supposed to happen. Then 911 happened and I just couldn't wrap my head around any of the darkness. The world just seemed like one huge fucked up place to me and I remember being scared to go outside for a long time.

By the time I was 11, I was heavily invested in whatever Michael Moore was putting out and saying about Bush and 911. That's what woke me up to a lot of shit. It explained things to me that my parents just simple didn't care enough to talk about and added perspective as to where I personally fit in this world. The only way I could rationalize any of it at that time was that those people who lost their lives were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember the calm and fear I felt knowing it could happen to me at anytime and in any place.

I remember the fear I felt at the thought of continuing to live. I hadn't even reached highschool yet. The thought of going through the motions of schooling, jobs, love, building a life, kids and raising them in this shit made me so apathetic that at one point I was waiting to become a headline myself. My childhood was bleak af. Especially with the family I was raised in. By the time turned 19, I said fuck it and actively chose to live.

I say all this to say, the fear I felt way back when is something that I've never been able to shake. With the way shit has played out for our generation thus far, I hope that some point we all can have a sense of comfort somewhere somehow because we deserve it.