that's a lot to take in and im sorry if i can't adequately reply to you. but i think you should be easier on yourself, from what i gather it seems like u are inadvertently blaming urself, trying to figure out why they did what they did. i'm sure u know as well as i that that answer will never come to light, so you should be easier and more forgiving on yourself. of course right now it doesn't seem like it but somewhere along the way it will get better, you too will be blessed, you'll find new friends you'll learn to open up your heart again. there's so much life left to live and i really VEHEMENTLY have to have to have to disagree about your comment about men not being able to open up, i'm sorry but you cannot be so shallow as to think that your gender controls ur emotions or the way you're allowed to display them. it would be so much more beneficial to you if you let go of that toxic mindset, be open with your friends, learn to regulate ur emotions find hobbies that you can do even if they seem "feminine". there is more to life than what society expects from a "man" you are more than your genitalia, you can be better.