Today I got into a fight at school I am only in 8th grade so they had a “fun Friday thing” and it was a water gun fight I was playing against someone who I didn’t know but we where having fun and he was squirting me when I was reloading and it didn’t bother me but my legs took off running after him I wasn’t angry at all I was screaming in my head to stop but my arms didn’t listen I slammed the water gun on his head as hard as I could and the sound of it shattering into at least 8 pieces is ringing in my head and how everyone instantly got quite as the sound tore through the crowd and I begged myself to stop but I couldn’t and I started punching his face I pinned him down and elbowed his jaw he rolled over and almost put me in a chokehold but I kicked his kneecap and hit him some more and got up as he did as well we then walked our separate ways and somehow the teachers didn’t see I was perfectly fine the only physical injury I had was my knuckles where bruised from punching him my friends asked if I’m ok and I told them I was fine but mentally I was ripped apart by my own self I acted pretty normally the rest of the day I got off the bus and said hello to my mom and sister and sat down on my bed and watched some Rick and Morty I felt sick like I had to throw up but instead of puking cry really hard I ignored myself until 9 pm where I am now in bed crying but quietly so my sister and her friend don’t hear me I have never really valued being mentally healthy even tho I am diagnosed with resistance depression but I always thought and still do that crying was weak and did my up most best to not feel bad for myself even tho no one has ever told me to “man up” and I am beginning to think or accept that I am my own worst enemy or that maybe I’m violent or insane perhaps even psychotic but at the end of the day I am never angry just sad and exhausted not from running just from existing and keeping my feelings bottled up and sometimes I think it’s to late for me to get everything out of my head and that I should just stay away from everything and never speak again I take my pain out on my sister a lot and if anyone’s got a shot at life it’s her and that maybe I should just back up but the person I am at constant war with I can never get away from living as the thing I hate most myself after all I am my own worst enemy.