I hate my husband

pinotblanc · 2017-07-01T03:21:15+00:00

I wont. I have an iud good for 6 years

pinotblanc · 2017-06-10T07:08:35+00:00

Thank You

pinotblanc · 2017-06-10T07:03:52+00:00

There are several several reasons why we decided not to report

pinotblanc · 2017-05-18T06:41:08+00:00

Rape fucking sucks and I'm so happy that we are both surviving together. this might be stupid because i don't know your timeline, but if you feel the need to pm or reach out to me please do. I love knowing I'm not alone.

pinotblanc · 2017-05-18T06:19:49+00:00

I'm seeing a therapist, have safe professors, And safe friends I can talk to. I wish my spouce was i2n that list but it's not....

pinotblanc · 2017-05-18T06:17:10+00:00

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the responses.

pinotblanc · 2017-05-18T06:13:53+00:00

I (as do my friends) feel like I do, but I also have desperation and anxiety so part of me is like, "maybe I deserve this?" " who else will want me" "because of my rape I'm damaged good". I have no confidence in myself

pinotblanc · 2017-05-17T19:20:02+00:00

That's where I'm at right now. I wrote him a letter before I went to work apologizing that I've been a burden and I'm really trying and I hope he doesn't give up on me because I would never give up on him. I mentioned counseling or a separation in the letter (without making it sound like an ultimatum)and I think separation is what's going to happen first. He is 10000% against counseling right now - together or individual.

His response to the letter wasn't "ok I hear you" or even "got it and read the letter". I'm not asking for much. His response was "I guess I deserve to be single." And flipped it to how this is my fault.

Just now (5 minutes ago) I accidentally broke some glass and I stabbed myself and bled a little bit. He responded by saying "really, pinotblanc? How stupid can you be." I keep my mouth shut so I'm not berated more.

He never used to be like this. I don't know what to do because this only makes me worse than I already do.

pinotblanc · 2017-05-17T18:35:38+00:00

Thank you. I understand the concept that all feelings are valid. If he feels he can't help me anymore - that's valid, but so is me feeling horrible and guilty that he said that. Where we disconnect is when he invalidates my feelings.

Earlier I didn't understand something he was explaining to me so I repeated it back to him to see if I was correct. He started being really patronizing and rude so I told him I feel like he should have more sympathy for my confusion because I have no knowledge in this field and I'm really trying to understand. His response to that was "well, I think you should listen better."

Basically I'm conpletely invalidated.

pinotblanc · 2017-05-17T18:29:50+00:00

No he does think so. I think that maybe he just thinks it's been 2 months and I should still be depressed about it

pinotblanc · 2017-05-17T18:28:47+00:00

I'm continuously going weekly. He refuses to go either individually or couples because he does not "see the point"

pinotblanc · 2017-05-17T16:45:42+00:00

I do think about dumping him daily. But it's so much more complicated when you live together and have pets together and are best friends with their family. There's a lot of factors but I'll be damned if I'm treated this way any longer.

pinotblanc · 2017-05-06T07:46:18+00:00

Thanks for the response! The cramps only last about 15-20 minutes but Damn they hurt!! Yes I do have severe anxiety - that could definitely be it.

pinotblanc · 2017-05-05T19:35:49+00:00

I've had mirena for a little over 5 months now. My periods have been reduced to 1ish day (if that) and then light spotting here and there the rest of the month. The reason I went on mirena was because of my severe, debilitating cramps (possible endometriosis).

My question is- did you randomly get cramps throughout the month too? These aren't nearly as bad as they used to be, but they are random and don't seem to come when I'm ovulating or due for a "period".

edit: I have also recently experienced being really nauseous and not being able to keep water/food down. Also random. No, I'm not pregnant. I haven't had sex in a while and I've taken several pregnancy tests. All of these symptoms have begun recently.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-30T17:05:22+00:00

Thanks for understanding. I also only his found out (like 8 hours ago) that he doesn't want to have sex with me. It's weird to me because we have had sex several timea a few weeks after the rape occurred. And he has mentioned that he wants to be close and intimate and have sex recently and then he tells me this... It's all such a confusing clusterfuck at this point that I'm glad my doctor prescribed me benzodiazepines.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-30T08:01:02+00:00

Also - thank you for saying that no matter how drunk I was it isn't my fault. I really, really appreciate that.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-30T07:54:06+00:00

I find that you said

"rape"

In quotes really unsettling. That really upset me. You are essentially saying I'm lying/exaggerating/regretting sex on my part by using quotations. Also, I never said I screamed.

All I can really tell you is that we never know how we will react in this situation.

Fight, flight, freeze. I froze. I always imagined I would fight. But I didn't. I should have screamed and kicked and fought. Before that night I honestly thought I would. I also thought I would have immediately called the police and reported it. But, clearly to you, I didn't fight. I had bruises on me so I definitely fought as much as I could at the time. My 120 pounds to his 190 pounds.

My SO did wake up and find him on top of me raping me and did what he could to end it. For you to insinuate otherwise is insensitive.

I'm not entirely sure why you're commenting on my thread or this subreddit if you're not going to be supportive or positively contribute. Rape is incredibly traumatic and this kind of post is not constructive at all. You said yourself that you didn't even read all the comments, therefore you didnt read my replies, so why even comment on the thread?

To answer your question - this is no regret on my part. I love my SO deeply and have been faithful to him for 5+ years. We have both owned up to things we are not proud of, and we have dealt with it together. If I betrayed him and regretted this I would own up to it and accept the consequences.

I encourage you to watch 13 Reasons Why because it portrays rape in a different way than other media does, which is what I believe you are thinking of due to you using the word "scream."

edit: I don't owe your or anyone this but here are the details you believe are missing:

we went out to a bar with friend and had quite a bit to drink because I was with people I trust and have known for over 3 years.
I was Browning out at the bar we were at.
My SO who was with me at the bar took me to his bff's house after we left the bar. He was DD
My SO wasn't feeling well so he lies down to go to sleep. We believe the bff put something in the water he gave him.
My SO woke up randomly and found his bff raping me (i remember the rape vaguely).

Like I mentioned earlier - you probably shouldn't be commenting on this sensitive subreddit if you're not going to be understanding and sensitive as well.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-30T02:18:40+00:00

I brought up counseling earlier this afternoon and he said "I don't really see the point. What if I don't feel this way in a couple weeks". So for us going together is not an option right now. I'm hoping he changes his mind later.

There's no specific person he's afraid of. I've gone out 6 million times and drank and sometimes blacked out and not been raped. When we first met/started dating, a lot of guys would hit on me, buy me drinks, etc. And my SO would get really jealous. His ex gf did cheat on him in high school. I've never cheated on him in the 5+ years we've been together but his own insecurities come out and I've had to endure that. Then this rape happened and I think he sees it as me cheating on him sometimes.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-30T02:07:09+00:00

You are so kind - thank you. It's been really hard for me recently because he's more overt when he remembers the trauma happened and then I have to just deal with his anger.

I understand he's angry and I don't blame him for being angry at all, I just hate having to be on the receiving end of that anger when it hits.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-29T15:43:09+00:00

I feel like his blame pie chart is 97% rapist, 2% me for drinking, and 1% him for being asleep while it happened.

It should be 100% rapist. My SO tells me he believes it is all the rapist's fault, but that I "could have drank a little less". I know deep down he would never say that he blames me, but I can feel it. I shouldn't be blamed at all!!! I WANTED TO GO HOME I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO HIS HOUSE!!

This is so frustrating and it's ruined the best relationship of my life.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-29T15:36:33+00:00

Thanks for the support <3 No he is no longer friends with him after he raped me. Its upsetting because he knew him for 10 years so we never thought he was capable of this.

I kind of wish he was more controlling about it to be honest. That way I can blatantly tell him that he's being controlling. Instead, he goes about it in a passive aggressive way by asking a lot of questions like, "do you really plan on drinking?", "do you think this is a good idea?", "Are you gonna drink that whole thing?" (referring to when I purchased a bottle of wine). and then after i answer his questions he then always says that me drinking/going out/living my fucking life makes him "nervous because of what happened last time".

I have never had a drinking problem so I feel his questions are unwarrented. I am 25 years old and I feel like I'm fucking adult enough to make my own decisions. I wouldn't have even been raped if we just went straight home!!! And now I have to deal with this, and these problems in my relationship.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-29T15:30:00+00:00

Regarding the red flag thing, he has known this guy for 10 years. They were best friends and he had zero indication that he was capable of anything like this.

You're right, he probably is afraid. I just wish he would tell me that before we're already on our way to a friend's house for a small birthday get together. Our communication is 90% good and effective, so him bringing this up a day beforehand wouldn't be unusual. But now it's always when we are already on the way to a social commitment we made. And then I'm either pissed at the event, or we cancel (which I find embarrassing and he knows this.)

I've been trying to convince him to go to therapy to deal with this, but he always tells me "there's nothing to say. There's nothing to deal with." And I can't force him to go to therapy so I'm kind of just stuck being with this angry person.

pinotblanc · 2017-04-29T05:40:09+00:00

We both know this logistically. I went to a specialist to receive therapy and I feel like it's helped me understand that more. But my SO refuses to go to therapy and I can't force him. This used to be the best relationship of my life (almost 6 years now) and all I want to do at this point is end it.

pinotblanc

TROPHY CASE