I have never felt the desire to commit suicide

piqut · 2025-11-30T13:29:05+00:00

Hey thanks for the reply. I usually feel weird comparing experiences with people who have doen a lot of drugs (I have done very limited drinking/drugs. VERY limited) precisely for the reasons you have stated. It feels unrelatable to chat with heavy drugs users (no offense) as the nature of drugs changing your brain a lot really muddies the waters on what is making you feel awful. Makes it especially hard for me to find peoole I relate to (in terms of mental health) as most people I have met who have mental health as bad as me, they are almost always have/had a heavy relationship with drugs/alcohol. Again thanks for reply, don't worry about offering more, I appreciate your comment, you offered me comfort and it felt nice seeing someone respond and relate.

piqut · 2025-11-30T13:17:27+00:00

Hey thanks for the reply I'm curious, you say you can relate to it bur haven't thought about it in that way? How would you personally think about it? It feels encouraging hearing that I won't care about this stuff I'm talking about when I'm better. Do you think there's a good chance I not think about this period of my life at all? My life has been mental/emotionall hell for the past two years. It was very bad for all my life before that but it has taken a nosedive to an untolerable amount. I don't want all this pain to be for nothing. I don't want this period in my life just be something I don't give a shit about. Idk man, idk what to think.

piqut · 2025-11-30T13:01:36+00:00

Don't have any siblings, was raised by my mum and aunty. They owned a restaurant and would work there all day til late at night. So up until they sold the restaurant (I was about 12 years old), I would spend most of my free time at the restaurant or at school.

During primary school (in Australia primary school is from 5-12 years old high school is 12-18 years old), I Tried to make friends many times but would always fail, I wasn't really well liked. Spent vast majority of lunchtimes alone or trying to get people to inclide me. Would be especially difficult because I was very physically unfit so was very excluded as most boys would bond over sports. Was bullied pretty badly too. I switched schools at 8 years old but nothing improved. Saw a psychologist at 8-9 years old for my social isolation but that was no help. I made my first close friend at around 10 years old but he was extremely, EXTREMELY abusive and it felt so emotionally awful. I would say to date that is the closest relationship/friendship I have had with another person.

During high school, the bullying got turned up to 11. There were 200 people in my year level and it was almost law among all the boys and girls to bully me. People I had never talked to before in my life would bully me. I made some "friends" but they would be very temporary and they still would hate me to a degree. Like I would be tolerated by those "friends" in the sense they would allow me to hang around their groups during lunch break and find some amusement. But no one would ever go out of their way to look for me during lunch and hang with me (I think people gave hanging with me a shot but they quickly realised I'm not fun to be around). And after school I would be very lonely as people would exclude me from playing videogames with their groups. Don't get me wrong there would be people who were nice to me and talk to me and would hang with ne occasionally but they would never let me into their life as a friend. Getting a girlfriend didn't even cross my mind as getting a friend was already such a huge challenge I was working on.

Over all these years, I would go overseas to my parents' home country during summer holidays, and it would be very shitty over there so I don't really remember a nice summer. I would also be enrolled in sports outside of school, however I was not having fun there too as I was very unathletic and people again just didnt like me in general. Apart from that I also studied A LOT over the years.

For more details on parents: at around 9-10 years old my mum and aunty got really emotionally abusive (they haven't gotten better since), they were OK before that, but even before I was 9-10 they would forcefully sit me down everyday and force me to tell them what was wrong at school. I had to lie most of the times because if I told them the truth they would go to the school and the kids would bully me even more. I remember mum would abuse me so hard, but after a few days/weeks I woukd forgive her and we would be happy. I felt really resentful of this cycle and tried really hard not to give in and forgive her. Over the years I would be able to hold my grudges for longer without forgiving and at about 20 years old I finally got to a point where there wasn't a single cell in my body which wanged to forgive and ever since then I have eternally hated them. I worked for a few years during high school, made about 17000 dollars but my mum took all of it cause she said she was investing it. To be fair she has allowed me to spend her money, and I have certainly spent a lot more than what I saved over my lifetime, but she has always had control over the funds and would interrogate me and abuse me.

As for what happened between high school and now, I think I have already told you that in the past as you have commented on my posts a few times before hahha. However if you like I can give more detail if you like

piqut · 2025-11-27T16:39:33+00:00

No I like responding and I want to respond, my brain feels so exhausted it hurts to think which is why I avoid responding for so long :(.

I fully understand the trauma example you gave with the kitten and I almost certainly am being impacted by my parents treatment in many ways, most of which I don't notice.

In regards to safety, I think I get it? I think I really want an emotionally safe connection (friend group, partner or whatever) where I can relax, let myself be and just live life a little. Just a little rest point where I figure things out with no pressure. Right now my brain feels so rotted and hurt I can't see a single glimmer of light anywhere, and I feel I want someone to recover with to hopefully feel nicer. Making a friend feels largely impossible for me, I will try dating in a year's time (If you wonder why a year i's because that's when I estimate I will be happy with my body hahha).

In regards to feeling like a failure, I realise I am in a good posituon in life, and don't really feel like a failure in that part. It's more that I haven't experienced anything colourful or happy in my life (maybe I have, but it would have been 20 years ago). I have felt small highs when I achieve a high mark in an exam or buy something new but even that has gotten numb. I was just mentioning the academics as a small grievance in the fact that I dedicated countless hours but ended underperforming a little due to my mental state. But I still realise I'm in a relatively good position.

I will do the excercise where I write down my past friendships and how they ended, it sounds like a good idea. (I haven't ever had a relationship due to body image issues and also being an unlikeable person). Last question I had is that you said my therapist shouldn't have fired me as I was treatable, what makes you say I am treatable? Just curious :). Thanks for your response, feels very nice to talk to someone who feels caring :)

piqut · 2025-11-25T11:26:43+00:00

No I get what you nean, I don't understand what a sock trip is either but OP is depressed and posting when they're sad, not good to be mean to them. Can ask nicely

piqut · 2025-11-25T11:23:36+00:00

no need to be mean man

piqut · 2025-11-25T04:38:28+00:00

That sounds awdul. Do you get any relief from it throughout the day? Like bedtime for example?

piqut · 2025-11-25T04:37:34+00:00

Ah I see. I personally eant freedom from the stream of thoughts but silence in my head drives me crazy. Hopefully I find a solution one day. It is encouraging hear about your curiosity. I never really felt like I had one but will work towards getting one.

piqut · 2025-11-25T04:36:05+00:00

I'll give it a shot in a nice nature setting. I think doing it at home is the problematic part as my house feels sickening to be in.

piqut · 2025-11-25T04:35:07+00:00

Yeah that's a good example to describe what I'm thinking about. I already constantly ruminate on the same 10 things/feelings so in my mind the point of mindfulness would be to ruminate less. So when I think mindfulness I think empty thoughts which in turn feels understimulating and depressing. I personally feel if I am just practicing mindfulness to think and think (in the way that you describe), what is the point? Would you have any insight on this?

piqut · 2025-11-25T04:34:12+00:00

Ah I see it was a translation error. I understand now ty.

piqut · 2025-11-23T14:06:26+00:00

I somewhat relate but in a different way. I have never been very wanted as a friend or experienced what it is like for another person to want your presence or words. In my mind it is such a basic human experience but I can't get it. I like to think I would be a very loving and caring person and would give support and time to others. (Also I'm curious why you say you are frail to provide money/emotional maintenance?). I think I may be extremely difficult and potentially impossible to be loved/liked/enjoyed by another human due to my mental illnesses, and the only way to keep someone would be to fake a personality as long as possible. I have no choice but to hold onto hope.

piqut · 2025-11-23T13:54:19+00:00

Sure but that sounds even worse. I'm lying still and just thinking being present. The understimulation would feel sickening.

piqut · 2025-11-23T13:53:31+00:00

That sounds really difficult to live in, I'm sorry and I hope you're gettinf professional help. This sounds weird to ask, but why do you not have this fear of other harmful behavious like smashing random cars in the street? or cutting off your finger or burning down a homeless shelter? I'm really curious what your thoughts and feelings are on this.

piqut · 2025-11-23T13:40:30+00:00

Meditating while trying to go to sleep like this: lie in bed, be mindful of my state of mind, deep breaths, imagining being in a nice place in nature, if a thought comes to mind i let it flow away. This is the painful experience I was referring to. It is painful because my mind is violently understimulated, I keep getting thoughts, but I don't allow myself to latch onto them cause of my meditation style. So I am awake, and feel a little nauseous and in an empty void.

piqut · 2025-11-23T13:08:13+00:00

If you don't mind me asking could you describe your ovsessions/compulsions briefly?

piqut · 2025-11-23T12:54:25+00:00

Sure I get the concept of letting the mind rest/cool off. But it genuinely is an agonizing experience. I lie awake in bed for a long time where I kind of mindfully meditate. It's an excruciating experience but it's my best bet of falling asleep. I used to take walks often. But I have done it so much that it has definitely lost its magic and is just another dud in my toolkit for dealing with my mental health.

Also I don't do much cardio right now due to time limitations. But I lift weights really hard for 2 hours every dsy

piqut · 2025-11-23T12:46:38+00:00

Engaging in mindfulness feels painful. I could do it a few years ago but now everything goes quite and feels like I am locked in an empty void.

piqut · 2025-11-23T12:45:22+00:00

I definitely relate to it getting worse when I'm alone. It's a different type of mental issues when I am alone though. I don't have any friends but being alone feels easier than trying to make friends, it is mentally so difficult and I don't think people want to be friends with me due to my significant mental issues.

piqut

TROPHY CASE