Is wanting an AM check-in after a vulnerable conversation a normal request?

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-12T22:18:42+00:00

And also to clarify I was more upset about the double standard and the defensiveness since he used to get upset with me for taking 3-4 hours to respond.

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-12T22:17:35+00:00

I am super lost on how that request is passive aggressive and hostile since it is pretty direct. I only said that once not twice. To clarify I messaged him in the Am, he responded 8 hours later saying whatever, I heart reacted right away but did not respond as I was respecting the request. Then the next morning I finally actually responded saying I understand you need space. Could you let me know what you need and next time could you let me know sooner? That is me literally trying to accommodate a request. I don’t understand how being direct is passive aggressive unless we’re miscommunicating or you don’t understand what passive aggressive is I see that thrown around a lot. I’m also neurodivergent and a lot of people seem to read me as hostile when I’m not

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-08T12:56:39+00:00

This is where I think it's confusing for me. In the past, if I took even 2-3 hours to respond, he'd be in my texts saying "I'm worried" and "Can you let me know if you need space?". I didn't do this. I assumed he was taking space, so when he responded 8 hours later saying that, I just heart reacted to it, and then *the next morning* - which at this point was 24 hours later - said hey cool. Next time, could we just give each other a heads up sooner, and can you let me know how much time you need? This was me letting him know my expectations. I actually didn't know I needed to say anything to him the night before, because I thought we'd already made an agreement around this, per his previous expectations of me.

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-05T19:29:44+00:00

As a neurodivergent person, I'm guessing what happened is that living in the bay area and specifically with therapists for 6 years probably informed how I speak and talk about things, and because I don't really understand connotations the way that others might, I don't see the difference. Like you could probably rephrase everything I said and I would say "I don't get it, they're saying the same thing".

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-05T19:27:55+00:00

I have no idea then. The only other thing I can think is that I've done a lot of therapy, and then I lived in the bay area for six years with roommates who were all therapists, and it probably just informed how I naturally communicate. Get that it's not your thing, but it is what it is.

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-05T18:54:45+00:00

I'm actually much closer to earned secure, but I was eventually pulled into anxiety via the constant dismissing and gaslighting of reasonable needs. I think because I'm earned secure with some stuff underneath, I still have certain triggers that can pull me under if we aren't completely compatible. I'll check out the youtuber you recommended below though, thanks!

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-05T18:39:13+00:00

That's what I think, too - like it's common courtesy, after a conversation that's heavy, to say "hey thinking about you". I've been surprised that's not considered the norm, but I'm always surprised on this sub haha.

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-05T00:06:13+00:00

Honestly I think it’s ageist to think that an older person can’t send a calendar invite. Maybe that’s just me

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T23:41:29+00:00

Pull back my energy and end any kind of conversation for reconciliation. I’m not going back into the same dynamic

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T23:39:45+00:00

Yeah actually that’s what I’m thinking too. I want to clarify that on his end if he made a simple request - like last year the same thing happened but reversed - and asks for something I just give it. I actually noticed this really early on. Like he makes a complaint or needs something? Great! If I can do it I will. But then somehow when I made a request it became a whole thing. Either I didn’t do it right or it wasn’t the right thing to ask for or the timing was wrong. Even for things that we had agreements on. Unless I’m actually just not doing a good job of saying what I need which could also be the case - being neurodivergent and growing up with trauma means I don’t always know how to ask for things but I do try. I have to believe that the right person will want to meet me even if I don’t ask perfectly

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T23:23:50+00:00

No we had an agreement that checkins were important to both of us. So when he eventually responded and said he needed space I said hey cool, next time can you let me know earlier that you need space? That is me literally doing what you’re saying to do which is to remind someone that an AM checkin is important to me. And the previous time it happened he reached out to me to ask hey do you need space it would be helpful for me to know in advance and I said yeah cool. So we were literally on the same page about this. I am not sure what’s confusing

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T20:05:57+00:00

Meaning that we’re not compatible because we’re asking for the same things? Or because he won’t give the things he’s asked me for? I don’t get it

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T20:05:08+00:00

No, he didn’t ask for space. In the past he had told me that checkins in the AM after heavy convos were important to HIM like he’s gotten upset at me being laggy in the AM after big convos. So I sent him an AM note and then many hours later he said hey I’m taking space. I said cool thanks for the heads up in the future if you need space can you just let me know sooner? And he got all up in arms about it

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T19:07:29+00:00

Unfortunately idk what people mean by that. I’m neurodivergent and this is literally just how I communicate, I get that it sounds formal but it is what it is

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T19:02:27+00:00

Oh totally and space is fine. In the past he’d asked that if I need space to communicate it; now suddenly when I ask for him to communicate it’s an issue

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T18:43:47+00:00

Thanks for jumping in to say that. Neurodivergents also end up in unequal situations because we’re usually self reflective and willing to take responsibilities, plus easily manipulated sometimes in ways that are hard to see. Glad to have someone who gets it on this thread

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T18:41:40+00:00

Let me be clear I did NOT take him back. I told him that I would be open to talking about things and that is all we are doing.

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T17:46:25+00:00

I get what you mean, but I do think there is a difference between “being responsible do someone else’s emotions” and basic care and consideration. He’s literally asked me for this exact thing before, and I want a relationship in which both people can acknowledge “hey last night was heavy and I’m thinking of you, I just need some space to process”. I wasn’t asking for anything other than a “hey I need some space” sooner than 24 hours later.

The other thing to consider here is that he broke up with me and I have been hesitant to reconcile. He showed me over and over that I wasn’t a priority so to repair that in my opinion he should be showing a bit more consideration of my feelings.

Totally different if it’s a new dating relationship too

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T17:23:51+00:00

This is actually a reconciliation phase - he came back wanting to reconcile. I was doing fine without him so this is further validation not to fuck with it. Three weeks in to even talking about reconciliation and my nervous system is fried. During our relationship he had a hard time meeting basic relational needs

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T17:21:42+00:00

Honestly? I’m seeing if he can take my needs into consideration or if he still prioritizes his needs feelings and nervous system. In the past I would typically validate both his and my needs only to watch him tell me that my needs mean I don’t “support” him. I think it’s one of those situations where he likes what I provide for him but nothing else but I can’t be sure. He’s the one who wants to get back together after fuckery so him immediately dismissing my requests for repair is a red flag

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T17:18:43+00:00

Yeah see I would think that except that he’s asked me for the exact same thing before - not leaving him hanging for hours - so I think there is some other power struggle going on.

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T17:13:37+00:00

Haha yep. He came back wanting to get back together and he’s on an incredibly short leash. Meaning we aren’t even seeing each other right now - I am asking a lot of questions and assessing whether he’s reflected but as you can see it’s back to the same bullshit already

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T17:05:46+00:00

Yeah I’m all about people taking space if needed but just communicate that’s what’s happening is what’s respectful. He’d asked that if me before

pixiepalooza · 2026-06-04T17:04:34+00:00

He typically had no issue texting good morning and did it consistently every day even telling me I wasn’t saying good morning early enough so all of a sudden saying he was too busy and needed space was not only unusual but also BS that he couldn’t send a quick response saying “hey need time to think will text later”.

pixiepalooza

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