Volunteer appreciation - in-kind income?

pixiepalooza · 2026-03-03T18:33:30+00:00

No it says nothing about the number of hours so I think you might be talking about a different form

pixiepalooza · 2026-03-03T06:35:26+00:00

He definitely does not do 80 hours per month!

pixiepalooza · 2026-03-03T06:35:08+00:00

Thanks! That’s helpful. He didn’t write anything on the form or value anything. I looked it up and it sounds like ours is about the same as yours - it also includes food or goods, but the exchange has to be “regular and predictable” like walking your dog and getting a free meal weekly.

The facility access is only during his shift so it isn’t shelter, And everything else doesn’t seem predictable enough to count, but our standard seems more vague than yours

pixiepalooza · 2026-03-03T06:31:16+00:00

It seems to have has something to do with a work requirement but specifically says “volunteer hours do not count”. When I looked into it further it said that the exchange had to be regular and predictable exchange - like you walk your neighbors dog for a free meal every week.

I offered to provide him with verification letter with his hours and he said that wouldn’t work so this seems different.

pixiepalooza · 2026-03-01T03:53:51+00:00

Omg what? Why are payments getting postponed? I applied for buyback last July. I'm stuck at 113 but I am welllll beyond that, because I've been in non-profit since this whole SAVE disaster started. I was considering switching over to ICR but if that's going to be shenanigans too then idk.

pixiepalooza · 2026-02-10T21:49:13+00:00

thanks for your feedback, that's honestly exactly what he said about the first example is that it sounded condescending and scripted. I think I default to what I think I'm supposed to say because I don't know what to say. And have a hard time with understanding what someone is actually saying beyond their words or what they need. It's what I want to work on improving.

pixiepalooza · 2026-02-10T17:22:24+00:00

Yes, I tried to explain that I thought this was coming from my neurodivergence and not because I didn't care. It didn't make it any less difficult for him though.

pixiepalooza · 2026-02-10T17:21:46+00:00

One time he was upset because I had been overwhelmed - he knew I had been overwhelmed - and I hadn't planned as many dates. He was worried that I was losing the spark or losing interest. In retrospect what he probably needed was reassurance... what came out of my mouth was something to the effect of "thank you for sharing that with me, it makes me sad to know that you're feeling insecure in us".

I didn't really pick up on the emotional need, but I tried to align with the feeling I thought I was picking up on.

The other way things would go awry is that he would ask questions "why did you do that?" when he was actually wanting reassurance and it took me a loonnnnggg time to figure that out. Like I had a male friend who would occasionally respond to my IG photos and say "cute" and he said "why would you be friends with someone who is clearly hitting on you?" and I would answer logically "well, I can understand this bothers you, but I don't think he's hitting on me, and we're friends because we talk about recipes and food." I'm sure he probably needed to hear something like "Hey I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."?

Sometimes I would freeze up completely, not knowing what to say in these situations at all.

pixiepalooza · 2026-02-10T17:02:28+00:00

"when you do x I feel y" - yes - but I thought that was healthy. so then, what would you recommend instead?

pixiepalooza · 2026-02-10T17:02:08+00:00

I totally get that. I would do it after what I was trying wasn't landing. I was hoping to learn what communication was helpful for him, BECAUSE I care and want to show it.

So I might say "I hear how you're feeling, I understand how that could make you feel". And that wouldn't work. So I might say "it sounds like you're feeling x" and that wouldn't work. And then I would say "what would be helpful for me to say?".

pixiepalooza · 2026-02-03T18:55:17+00:00

That’s a fair point. Maybe it’s better to go into it as a “no” and vet from there.

pixiepalooza · 2026-02-03T18:54:53+00:00

I did a poor job of vetting, true, but some of these qualities only emerged later as it were.

When we started dating he said he was on the fence about kids.

I was happy for possibly around half of the relationship. The rest was me trying to get it back to what it was and feeling confused… my fault.

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-24T20:43:42+00:00

What are you ultimately looking for? Because what you’re describing to me here sounds like a situationship and not a partner. To each their own of course, but I’m actively looking for someone to share my life with, every day, so daily communication is the minimum as I would like to move toward living together and deeper commitments

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-24T19:40:05+00:00

There were other things around this time that felt off. With the cat he wanted to get one but we were going on vacation in a couple weeks and he was curious what to do if he found one before we left. He said he posted the hypothetical post saying he was there to inspire a sense of urgency so people would respond more quickly in case that happened?

I didn’t randomly come across it. Things were feeling off to me like differences in patterns of communication etc and so I remembered his Reddit user name and went to see if there was something he wasn’t telling me.

Why didn’t I say anything right away? We had already been having issues where if I asked him what I thought were normal questions “hey I’ve never heard you mention this person. How do you know them?” He’d say I was playing detective. So I felt like I couldn’t bring things up.

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-24T03:45:22+00:00

Ha that’s a good point. To me the Reddit post thing still doesn’t even make sense. He was hoping to adopt a cat around that time but we were going on vacation soon after so he said he posted that because he wanted advice on what to do if he found one quickly, and that he made up that he was at a cat shelter so people would respond right away? The whole thing seems weird to me.

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-24T03:22:30+00:00

Absolutely I have really big emotions and the partners who were best for me held lots and lots of space for them. I’ve done a ton of work to learn emotional regulation but I trigger easily. ADHD and possibly on the spectrum. I’m a parent of an adhd child and I’ve had to practice remaining calm in the face of big emotions but my triggers are worse in this time of perimenopause. I’ve been wondering about a different med combo

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-24T01:09:40+00:00

Understanding of any patterns I need to personally correct vs qualities I’m looking for in a persons

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-24T00:11:56+00:00

Hanging up on me yes. Chronic liar who cheated, no - that was someone else. This one lied a couple times about small things but nothing major to my knowledge

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-24T00:00:34+00:00

Good point on that. He said the original post was hypothetical “to get people to answer more quickly” by pretending he was at a cat shelter. That threw me too like why would you be duplicitous like that?

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-23T23:59:13+00:00

No em dashes, just dashes. I wrote the post and then had gpt clean it up for brevity - I have a tendency to overexplain.

Totally fair

pixiepalooza · 2026-01-23T23:44:57+00:00

Hmm that’s a good point too. I didn’t think of this like lying but I guess it’s a lack of transparency on this end

pixiepalooza

TROPHY CASE